Thursday, August 2, 2012


I'm traumatized. I have braces. Well, Invisaligns, actually, but it's all a lie. Braces are braces are braces, people. The sooner you realize that, the less likely you'll be to make my same mistake. I have snaps on my teeth, have to pry the trays off with a crochet hook and can't drink Diet Coke, or the trays will fill up with brown liquid. Also, the trays take on a certain "odor" that cats and dogs find attractive. Guess what else cats and dogs find attractive? Their own poop. One guess as to what that certain odor resembles? Hand in hand with THAT news, is the realization that I can't chew gum because it sticks to the trays. So thank your lucky stars that you're only reading this and not standing next to me while I breathe the words.

It all started with what we like to call, "crowding". The teeth in the back were sick to death of wondering what was going on up front, and finally just started shoving their way forward like patrons on a bus trying to get off at their stop. But see, that doesn't work with teeth, because it seems nobody has enough room to scoot out of the way for the back seat teeth, and so they stand their ground, which ends with all hell breaking loose and nobody standing in an orderly line anymore.

Now the symptoms of this "crowding" are that one of your previously straight teeth starts to look gray in every picture (pre-photoshop, of course) and you begin to wonder what the heck is going on? And then you look down at the apple you just bit into, and sure enough, half your teeth have gone rogue.

But contrary to my normal vanity, I'd have been okay with this, if it wasn't for those dang back seat dwellers that started messing with my bite. Remember, I have about 40 something years left on this earth and there are steaks to be masticated. Something that can only be done if the bus drivers come back there yelling and threatening.

So that's what we did yesterday. Told the rear to sit down, shut up and look pretty. And if they don't, they'll be thrown out on their ear and replaced with a titanium post and implants. That shut 'em up pretty good.

It's going to take about a year to get them settled back down. In the meantime, if you see me with a crochet hook and notice my teeth are brown and I have a lisp, just be kind and look the other way.

And in return, I'll do my best not to breathe on you.



Kara Elmore said...

So .... I say we QUICKLY take NEW family pictures! Because HEYYYYYYYY - WHO wants to FORGET this moment in time??????????????

Nick said...

I have Invisalign, too. That rotten odor? Kill me now. But, I've found that letting them soak in mouthwash with denture tablets then brushing them makes all the difference. I'm only slightly embarrassed that I find great joy in being able to share this little Emily Post-esque tidbit with you, and only slightly more embarrassed that I've chosen to do so in a public forum. Enjoy!

Stef said...

Ha! Good luck! I hated braces as a teenager. I can't imagine what it would be like to get them now...

Garden of Egan said...

Well, no one can call you braceface.
Well, I might.

You need to take a picture of your invisalign self. I wanna see it!

Lisa said...

Nick, my instructions said not to let them soak in either, because it will turn them cloudy, so how long do you let them sit? And Kara, by all means, let's take some new family pictures. Or better yet, RECORD me talking and lisping while I try to wrap my sore lips around my plastic teeth. Tauna, no way in H I'm letting this out into cyber space for the world to mock. Not until I have an "after" picture to counter the "before". ;)

Mimi Sue said...

I'm sooo glad all this happened to me when I was in the 5th grade! Only it was in the olden days and they were definitely not invisa anything. I really looked hot in my headgear! No wonder no boys from elementary school dated me in high school! No diet coke?? I'll pray for you. Mimi

Juli said...

As you may remember I had the metal braces put back on (because I didn't wear my retainer like I should have) about a year ago for six months... I HATE the invisaline retainer I have to wear at night now. The smell is horrendous! I would love to have the bottoms done, but the retainer is different, so I think I may be okay... except for the lisp.

There's no escaping that.

Krista said...

Didn't you know? The rebels always sit at the back of the bus.