Tuesday, April 12, 2011


So Jules has been BEGGING AND HARASSING to get braces. For like two years. No, I'm not kidding. And yes, she is weird. Anyway, I've repeatedly told her that they can't attach brackets and wires to imaginary denticles, as she has, at best, scattered teeth in a random pattern throughout her mouth.

So things suddenly became crucial this past Sunday, in that she found out her twin cousins have THEIR braces date set for this coming August! Which meant to her that they must be booked solid, and it is IMPERATIVE that she get herself on the schedule. Clearly this is a competitive industry, and those teeth will not straighten themselves, Mother.

She actually pulled out the phone book (a relic from the past you may or may not be familiar with) and pushed the numbers for me, before handing off the phone and telling me to speak into the receiver. The appointment was for today.

So we're sitting there with the X-rays in front of us, as they explain the procedure, etc. With the end of the pencil, they point to a section of her mouth and say,

"As you can see, she's missing this incisor here."

I laugh, and then say, "Wait, what?"

"Yes, well, it just didn't grow. You can see that it's not showing up in the X-ray."


My eyes told her to shut up.

But sure enough, there was no tooth. In fact, on the other side where that same incisor should be, there is this protrusion that she has lovingly referred to as her "vampire fang." We thought it was just turned sideways. Nope. Seems it's a pointy little nub. A stupid, ugly, pointy little nub that FOR SOME REASON MUST BE HER MOTHER'S FAULT!

But listen, I am not taking responsibility for this mutation. Nosirree. I think we can all agree that it is her FATHER'S FAMILY who did something...and I'm not sure what, but SOMETHING...to bring us to this point of crazy a$$ tooth germination.

And when I said something to that effect—I think it was, "It's the Bingham side. Her father. They did this," they just smiled patronizingly and mumbled, "That's what they all say."

The good news is, it can be fixed. The bad news is, they look at me weird now. Like maybe while I was pregnant with her, I hoarded for myself some of the building blocks needed to make her mouth. Like maybe that incisor is in MY jaw, and I just didn't want to give it to her. In fact, I smiled a lot, so they could see I only had the two I was supposed to, but they didn't seem to notice.

Anyway, it is what it is.

And it is...just another notch in my guilt belt. No wonder I keep gaining weight~I never have to cinch it tight—it just keeps getting bigger and bigger and bigger...


Jackie said...

HA! I LOVE that she found the number, dialed, and forced you into it. That girl is going places...as soon as she has all her teeth!

Natalie said...

Don't you love what our girls do to each other??? Seriously, I can't imagine our lives without them!! And just FYI, the girls go back in August just to see if they are ready yet...no date set for braces. :) We still have some baby teeth to work on. Totally hysterical she got the number and made that call for you!!

Oh...I can't wait to hear what the Bingham family thinks of this small flaw that is totally their fault. :)

Garden of Egan said...

Well, I guess now that your entire family is going to be so flawless ya'll won't want to hang out anymore.

At least you have an excuse for your expanding waistline.

Jo-Anne said...

Two of my children had extra teeth.

Which clearly proves I am a better mother than one with a child who has missing teeth. ;)

(Ragan needs braces too. But we are waiting to get them so she can have them in her senior pics.)

Stef said...

Eh, what do dentists know anyway. They come home smelling like dentist's office, for pete's sake. Ugh!
Hope they eventually find that tooth. Someday.

Cherie said...

I cannot imagine any child actually wanting braces! My kids were all grateful later but didn't look forward too it. My son gets his off next month. He also was missing a molar, caused a few problems because apparently, as you probably found out, ummm you're not supposed to be missing teeth - messes up the fixing. Ha Ha
You'll have to post pictures of your excited kid with her braces!!

Sunshine said...

My daughter is missing her fang teeth too. Nice! The only teeth I was missing were the ones you have to have removed. That's right, I was missing two of my wisdom teeth thankyouverymuch! (and no smart comments about wisdom or lack of).

In my situation it really is the husbands families fault. They have HORRIBLE teeth, especially my husband. (mumble, stupid missing teeth that's only gunna cost me a fortune, why couldn't he miss his wisdom teeth too?)

Good luck!

T said...

both of the parents in this household have passed on their worst traits to the kids - ensuring that I will have a well notched guilt belt as well... luckily that means I can also eat all the frozen twinkies I want.

Kara Elmore said...

The only thing that would've made you LESS of a mother is to say "you are FINE" to the child whose arm broke. QUIT whining ... you are FINE! It's fine! Stop it. ADVIL you up! Look - it's not bruising yet! You can move it, can't you?"

Ohh wait - what's that you said? You DID do this? Ohhhh ya - ok no. I'm taking the award back for best mother.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Missing incisors ARE inherited from the father's side. I'm sure that's what I read when I was studying Henry VIII.

Mimi Sue said...

Don't feel guilty about the teeth thing. By the time you have your 4th child you're not going to be held responsible for anything they're missing that you don't notice. Just wait til the cousins get a convertible. It's a never ending battle. I'm on my way to Ben Franklin for some polka dot goodness. Mimi

Holly said...

Out of 10, only 1 didn't need braces.! That ONE is always reminding us that we OWE him what we would have spent on his teeth... NOT!!! The BRAT!! LOL! The end results are so worth it! ;D

Mimi Sue said...

Do you think you should write shotgun and plane in the same sentence on the internet? Just wondering...Mimi:D

Kristina P. said...

I will barely go into the dentist now, as an adult, kicking and screaming!

Krista said...

As soon as my little one sprouts some more grown up teeth we will be off to the orthodontist, too. Then they can be twin divas.