Saturday, June 4, 2011

TWINKIE ARMS

I just groomed myself into a bloody nose. (Not picking—blowing, people. Geez.) And FYI, that's something that will never, ever, EVER happen to my children...or even my dear husband, for that matter. Mostly they just wait for me to point, pull and pick out the things that shouldn't be sprouting from their faces. I have to admit, I'm happy to oblige.

Anyway, I just returned from my daughter's softball game which was apparently really crowded, because demons from Hell couldn't find an empty spot, so took the lawn chair next to me, making their thoughts my own the entire game. So like, for some reason, I became really annoyed with the woman sitting in front of me, violently rolling my eyeballs at her excessively large upper arms. I may have even named them TWINKIE ARMS, where instead of a bone, it was filled with FATTY LARD INNARDS. Yeah, that's right. That's the kind of mean and ugly I'm talking about. We won't go into my OWN Ding Dong abdominals— Geez, pot calling kettle black...

And then there was the less-than-stellar ball playing that I surely couldn't have done better, but for some reason, had NBL expectations of these 11-12 year old girls. Cussing and bemoaning under my breath, you'd have thought I had money riding on the outcome. Or, at the very least, that we were a highly competitive, recreationally vigorous family.

But such is not the case, friends. In fact, I had picked Julia up from swimming mere moments before arriving for the game—her hair in a dripping wet braid, makeup smeared under eyes and lo and behold, sauntering along in flip flops. Had to have Ster bring her tennis shoes before they yelled, "Play ball!" So you can see, it's not like I had much vested in the match—just decided to go all bat-shiz crazy about their perceived shortcomings.

Anyway, I was crawling out of my skin with irritation the entire time. And yes, they lost.

BEE AE DEE!

Probably because of old Twinkie Arms Mom up front—distracting the players with her Hostess aroma. But my point is this—I kept my thoughts to myself, people. No shouting matches with the Dump (dumb+ump=dump.) No "WE WANNA PITCHER, NOT A BELLY ITCHER" chanting from the sidelines. Not even spitting sunflower shells into the WAY TOO CURLY HAIR of the other woman sitting in front of me, who probably deserved to find some wayward nuts and debris when she returned home, simply because she had the misfortune of sitting in front of me.

None of that.

Because I have you—my BBFF's. I was able to keep it from the masses, because I knew I could come home and SPEW THIS TRIPE ALL OVER MY BLOG.

For which I apologize.
And thank you.
And lastly, say...

YOU'RE WELCOME.

NOW LET'S PLAY BALL!

11 comments:

Jackie said...

That's what blogs are for, right?

She must have a sister whose kid plays soccer in Houston. For crying out loud...

Krista said...

That has just added another point of why sports are a bad idea. Unless they're pretty. Like cheerleading and dancing. Do you ever see people yelling mean things to them? Do they get in fist fights afterwards? I think they should perform for 2 hours and have football during half-time. Just an idea.

Garden of Egan said...

I have a hard time believing for one damn second that you did NOT spit sunflower seeds in curly hair and made some rude comment about lardo twinkie woman.

I just know you did.
I wish I would have been sitting next to you.

Just a bed of roses said...

Did she need a razor for the pits too?
I try to keep my twinkie arms in the wrappers. Hard in the summer.

Endure to the end Lisa and keep a supply of sunflower seeds on hand!

Holly said...

So glad I stay away from sporting events as much as possible! ;p I think I would have a hard time keeping my opinion to myself at times. I hate how some people behave like 2 yr olds having tantrums at these things. *sigh* At any rate, I'll keep my "Twinkie arms" away for good measure. LOL!!

I agree with Krista's comments. My girls' dance events were so much more enjoyable. Even the big competitions, you couldn't help but applaud for the other teams/individuals that were doing an amazing performance. Of course ours WINNING was nice... but you could usually see why and not argue when it didn't work out that way. (((HUGS)))

Ster said...

mmmmember, I told you to just flippem the big one! Especially the minni man.

Mimi Sue said...

My kid's sporting events were always extremely entertaining. Mostly watching the idiot parents who thought there idiot child was gonna play for the NBA someday. I also had a ballerina child. Those bunhead's parents can get really nasty. Don't miss any of that. Now the grand kids are starting. I only have to go if I want to with them. Soooo great. Mimi

Lisa said...

You guys always got my back~even when it's rolling over my own bra. Mimi, I went in to Stewarts yesterday, hoping you'd be there, but you weren't and I was forced to spend $400 without any intervention. I blame you.

.E. said...

I spend a good chunk of my summer at b. ball games.. I so know your pain sista..

Natalie said...

HOLY JUNK!!! Laughing so hard right now because as of this very moment I in one of those onery, pissy kinda moods...darn hormones!!! LOVE IT!!

imbeingheldhostage said...

Yes, it's official. I love you. Is it a full moon because there's a lot of us feeling cantankerous lately...