Monday, May 30, 2011



I welcome the holiday in it's entirety—lilacs on headstones, flags on porches, potato salad picnic lunches where we reunite with second and third generations, making up word games in our head to help us remember..."StEEve is married to AnEEta..." Seems to do the trick, until you realize that they're aging right along with you, faces and hairlines morphing and melding, and then it's really all just a crap shoot...

Anyway, apparently the heavens are suffering some sort of postpartum depression and can't seem to shake themselves out of it. I don't really know how to help, but clearly slapping the clouds over and over and over again while screaming, "GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, YOU BIG FAT BAWL-TIT!" hasn't done the job. She continues to sob and wallow, slurching around in stained sweats permeated with the heavy scent of pancake syrup and too much Downey. She sits amidst a dozen loads of unfolded laundry, oblivious to her rising waters midsection threatening homes and property throughout the state of Utah.

She didn't used to be like that. Heavens used to keep herself up. She wore sky blue eyeshadow...painted her lips in sunset hues...her perfectly proportioned figure was kept locked and loaded within four seasons and river banks. Gracefully, she'd sop up her springtime tears with a linen handkerchief made of temperate breezes and moderate sunshine. But now...well, I think we can all see she's let herself go, and not even an afternoon of Oprah and ice cream can bring her out of it.

Hopefully she'll pull herself together before it's too late and the floods and mudslides are imminent. Until then, is there a Dr. in the house who can prescribe heavens some sort of upper, or downer, or whatevertheheller she needs to expedite the process?

I'll wait while you call it in. ;)



Your memorial day sounds like our ANZAC day,only we have "2 up"(an old betting game using pennies) as well

I don't know whats with the goddess, she needs a bitch slapping for sure!!

Vanessa said...

I love reading you posts, you always make me laugh. I wish I can learn how to write like you when I grow up. Hope it gets better though.

Just a bed of roses said...

I must be sopping wet cause your making me do the HYSTERICAL laugh and raindrops are pushing out my eyes and rolling down my cheeks.

Think I'll read this 3 or 4 more times cause it's so stinkin' funny and rain is still pounding at my window...It's not coming in cause it's ugly and gray.

"sunny weather just around the corner" the weather man just says...think I'll just slap him!
does that count?

YOU are the only one who can make us laugh about this, do you know that.

Bless you! You out did yourself on this one, bet you didn't even have a migrain.

did you?

Just a bed of roses said...

Oh but I 'got even' with this obnoxious rain...I rebelled at Dillard's first thing this morning, serious damage, it felt so good.

Just a bed of roses said...

It just gets better every time I read this!
Just read it to carl...he laughed and laughed, says you have to be so talented to do that.

Lisa said...

Brenda, I am so PROUD of you, rebelling at Dillards. GOOOOO BRENDA! I feel a vicarious thrill knowing you spent your way through the day. And you're always too kind with your praise. One day you're going to write what you're really thinking, and it will be, "Eh. Mildly entertaining." But until then, I revel in it. :)

Vanessa, you rock, new mother. You probably know a little something about postpartum depression, too, about now. I hope not, but if so, Brenda seems to know how to take care of it~go shopping at the mall. You learned it here! Let us know if it helps. :)

McClendon said...

I would like this all resolved in the next two days - before I head north and find it needful to pass through. Please take care of it as I have lost my will to go anywhere in bad weather.

Krista said...

I think it is up to us to just deal with the crap given to us. I know. I'm always such an optimist. Diet Coke, Zupas, Cheesecake, shopping, Prozac..... if it is to be, it's up to me. Happiness in a synthetic form. I gave up and went to a tanning joint.

Cherie said...

You really make me laugh!!

Maybe heavens needs some Immodium or an anti-depressive?

You guys really have had the crappiest weather ever this year!

Here's to some sunshine sooon!

Garden of Egan said...

I gotta agree.
Such a frump.

She better step it up a notch or someone is gonna be havin' an affair or Krista did. (fake bake)

I am hoping for some warmer stuff soon. At least I didn't see snow this weekend. Sorry you guys did.
Shocking.....being the Mormon Corridor and all.

Mimi Sue said...

Well, I think maybe she had a day at the spa today since her spirits were lifted a little. Hopefully she'll pull it together enough so we can have at least a few days of spring. This was one of my favorite posts you've ever written. You've definitely got a way with words girl. Mimi

Vern said...

Utah has not been kind this winter. Sucks to be you, I don't live there!

Jackie said...

Send her to Texas. IT's dry dry way too dry here!

imbeingheldhostage said...

wow-- what a beautiful way to look at cr@p weather! You have an awesome spin on things :-)

Holly said...

I think she's been a bad influence on me. ;p I'll send her a chill pill in hopes that it helps us ALL out of her gloom and doom ways!! (((HUGS)))