Monday, May 7, 2012

LENS OF LOVE

I'm totally disappointed in me, too. But just so you know, I check a lot of YOUR blogs, and find the same dam thing I found three months ago too. So now we're even.

Something noteworthy: I'm going to be famous on account of I've been cast to play the part of "hostess" for a Scentsy training video. Mm hmm. That's right. So basically, Princess Lisa who naturally smells of licorice and roses already, will be adding a touch of cinnamon buns to the mix. Try not to gnaw on my neck.

Of course, the obvious problem here is my disturbing UN-photogenic-ness, (new word) which is clearly illustrated by the eyeball swapping which occurred after our last family photo session. And far as I know, nobody has figured out a strong routine to spot-train faces and necks. Oh, sure. They've got all kinds of exercise DVDs for abs, thighs and fannies. But chins of steel? Nothing.

Now apparently, this bad picture taking is nothing new. I made a HUGE mistake the other day, and looked at our engagement photos. Three strikes against them—first, taken in the 80's. 'Nuff said. Second, hadn't discovered eyebrow pencil yet. And third, the photographer was my own father, and he shot me through the lens of love.

The lens of love is a really, really serious judgment warper. Teaspoon of permed, blond hair, wearing a white suit against a white background? Bad.
Not ethereal. Not romantic. Just bad.

Allowing daughter's misguided sense of fashion to take center stage, in that she wrapped a cheap chain belt around her wrist nine times and called it a bracelet? Bad.
Not edgy. Not stylish. Just bad.

Saying it's a good idea to have your daughter wear her fiance's enormous tortoise shell gradient shaded eyeglasses and hold him on her lap? Bad.
Not funny. Not ironic. Just bad.

Anyway, there wasn't a single shot in that whole steaming pile that could be called pleasing to the eye. But Dad didn't know it, because to him, I was absolutely beautiful. And this was shown time and time again, as later on he took pictures of me a week after giving birth, all puffy and lactating, looking down at my red faced baby. Another time, shot from below as I struggled with two toddlers on picture day, wearing an empire waist dress that just SCREAMED, "I don't know who I am anymore."And all of those times, he was so excited to show them to me.

"Oh, Lisa. I took the most beautiful pictures of you the other day when you weren't looking. Just wait until you see them!"

And when I did, it took my best efforts not to shriek with alarm and curse righteously at the top of my lungs. HOLY &%#!

Anyway, I can't blame him for loving me. But I can blame him for capturing it on Kodak. Now if you'll all kindly place the 3-D love lenses on while watching this training video, I'd sure appreciate it. Because that's what friends do. And then they lie about what they saw.



9 comments:

Garden of Egan said...

Well, I want to see some of those pictures.
The lens of love is often blurry, but I doubt it in this case.

And you're gonna be famous again. Please remember the little people.

Kara Elmore said...

First of all - I noticed you didn't say ONE WORD about when your sister photographs you. And SECONDLYISH ...... I too had the lens of love when I smiled BIGGER - nooooo - BIGGGGGGGER with my fake teeth! YES - let that GIANT MOLE shine!!!!!!!!!! So - we're sisters. Through and through. THIRDLY ...... if you don't mention MY name in the scentsy training video ... you're dead to me. Because I chose NOT to swap your eyes - because you are beautiful to me!!!!

:)

Brittney said...

this post is seriously lacking on those pictures you mention.

Juli said...

I will say that I do have new content, I just think you haven't stopped by. (she sticks tongue out at you and makes a face)

Anyhoo... over here we do not have the lens of love. we have what is known as the Juli factor. As in, I am the most amazing, beautiful woman they have ever laid eyes on because I have completely sucked them in with the Juli factor. It's similar to the Jedi force but way more cool.

Jennifer Griffith said...

I notice you haven't commented on my site lately. Hmmm. Maybe you're too busy being famous on Scentscy videos to remember us little folk, and if that's the case, I can TOTALLY understand.

In SPITE of that, I'd like to leave a LOT of comments here:

I need perfume that smells like red licorice.

I remember the engagement pics, and I probably thought you looked ethereal. And edgy and stylish. That's because I'm your YOUNGER cousin, so you seem amazing and cool no matter what.

If you find out chin-spot-reduction-exercises, let me know. Neck firming. Yeah.

A while back I was in the big WalMart and walking past the video cam display where the results were shown on little TVs beside the cameras. Except the cameras were placed at waist-height and pointing up, so... you know. The double-chin angle. It about made me fall down or want to go running home without even buying my industrial size bag of Tostitos. THEN I realized that's the angle my kids see me from ALL the time.

Sigh.

xoxox

Holly said...

Guilty as charged... I think I'll do better, then I don't.

As for YOU...
1. AWESOME you will be in the training video as the Hostess with the Mostes-t. ;D
2. You ARE beautiful and I'm not related!
3. You have CHEATED US by not posting the pics to demonstrate. NO! The visual picture you paint is not good enough. We need the source so we can prepare our rebuttal to prove you wrong...
4. (((HUGS)))

Meredith said...

Well 1st of all when I was about 12? I think? I thought you were super beautiful! So, I happen to know that at the time of you being a young Mother you looked amazing. 2nd of all you still look amazing! It's not that I don't love ya, but I have no lens of love over my eyes. Just truth. Not only are you beautiful but your fun! And those two traits are hard to find hand in hand like that! You're a rare girl and your Daddy is no dummy he knows beauty when he sees it.

Mimi Sue said...

After your starring role in the Scentsy production why don't you do a face/neck/chin workout video. You'd make a mint!! I'll be first in line to buy it. I'd like to see some of your engagement pictures too. I think we all look back and wonder why? Mimi

Just a bed of roses said...

I only have a tiny wedding photo...BUT I was 120 lbs...think I'll blow it up really big.

Love that your father caught those special times in your life.

good luck with Scentsy!