LENS OF LOVE

I'm totally disappointed in me, too. But just so you know, I check a lot of YOUR blogs, and find the same dam thing I found three months ago too. So now we're even.

Something noteworthy: I'm going to be famous on account of I've been cast to play the part of "hostess" for a Scentsy training video. Mm hmm. That's right. So basically, Princess Lisa who naturally smells of licorice and roses already, will be adding a touch of cinnamon buns to the mix. Try not to gnaw on my neck.

Of course, the obvious problem here is my disturbing UN-photogenic-ness, (new word) which is clearly illustrated by the eyeball swapping which occurred after our last family photo session. And far as I know, nobody has figured out a strong routine to spot-train faces and necks. Oh, sure. They've got all kinds of exercise DVDs for abs, thighs and fannies. But chins of steel? Nothing.

Now apparently, this bad picture taking is nothing new. I made a HUGE mistake the other day, and looked at our engagement photos. Three strikes against them—first, taken in the 80's. 'Nuff said. Second, hadn't discovered eyebrow pencil yet. And third, the photographer was my own father, and he shot me through the lens of love.

The lens of love is a really, really serious judgment warper. Teaspoon of permed, blond hair, wearing a white suit against a white background? Bad.
Not ethereal. Not romantic. Just bad.

Allowing daughter's misguided sense of fashion to take center stage, in that she wrapped a cheap chain belt around her wrist nine times and called it a bracelet? Bad.
Not edgy. Not stylish. Just bad.

Saying it's a good idea to have your daughter wear her fiance's enormous tortoise shell gradient shaded eyeglasses and hold him on her lap? Bad.
Not funny. Not ironic. Just bad.

Anyway, there wasn't a single shot in that whole steaming pile that could be called pleasing to the eye. But Dad didn't know it, because to him, I was absolutely beautiful. And this was shown time and time again, as later on he took pictures of me a week after giving birth, all puffy and lactating, looking down at my red faced baby. Another time, shot from below as I struggled with two toddlers on picture day, wearing an empire waist dress that just SCREAMED, "I don't know who I am anymore."And all of those times, he was so excited to show them to me.

"Oh, Lisa. I took the most beautiful pictures of you the other day when you weren't looking. Just wait until you see them!"

And when I did, it took my best efforts not to shriek with alarm and curse righteously at the top of my lungs. HOLY &%#!

Anyway, I can't blame him for loving me. But I can blame him for capturing it on Kodak. Now if you'll all kindly place the 3-D love lenses on while watching this training video, I'd sure appreciate it. Because that's what friends do. And then they lie about what they saw.