Monday, February 14, 2011

PEED MYSELF

I'm writing whilst slobbering and sucking on an enormous Mickey Mouse Disney World jaw breaker on a stick. I can feel myself getting lock jaw, but it's worth it. Something magical about Disney.

We're back! And once again, I'm full up with stories...from fevers and flu and strep throat, to HOLY JUNK THAT PLACE IS EXPENSIVE. But because we both know the kind of tales I'm capable of, and the kind of humor (potty) you seem to enjoy, I'll just go with the one where I peed myself on the plane.

That's right, folks.
Peed myself.
On account of a sneeze.


It all began with a caught cold the eve before departure.

Which turned into a migraine the following morning.

Which turned into nausea and extreme sensitivity to light, sound, and MOST ESPECIALLY A FOUR AND A HALF HOUR PLANE RIDE HOME.

Which turned into eyes closed, in through the nose~out through the mouth, one finger in the air silent shushing of anyone who might tap my arm or think to distract me from clutching at the vomit bag.

Which turned into the slightest movement=waterfall of puke.

Which turned into a full bladder and a sleeping daughter draped across my lap.

Which turned into a complete inability to respond with the requisite knee jerk leg clamp in case of rogue sneeze.

Which turned into "ACHOO!"

Which turned into, "Aw, hell."...and two and a half hours still remaining on the flight.


It was good times, friends. Good urine soaked times. Fortunately, the cushion was pleather and my pants were absorbent. And with all the stench going on in an airplane, the smell of tinkle could hardly raise an eyebrow.

Anyway, I don't know why I thought it wise to share this humiliation. Except for the fact that I'm a giver and figured it outranked a box of chocolates and stuffed animal on this Valentines day of burnin' love.

What? You got ME something, too? Oh, you're so sweet...you shouldn't have! (rip, shred, tearing at the wrapping)

A book? How nice! Wait, what are Kegels?




(angry slit eyes)




You're dead to me.

15 comments:

Jo-Anne said...

I am feeling your pee pants pain, Lisa.
It got a little better for me, after all my baby making parts were removed. However, there is still some leg crossing involved whenever I sneeze or cough.

I'd try Depends, but until they invent some that makes my butt look like J-lo's,I'll just keep peeing myself.

Meredith said...

You crack my up! You have a funny way of making pants peeing seem hilarious! Sorry about that though, especially on a plane! ugh.

I hope you're feeling better!

Natalie said...

You know...only I, of all peeps, will truely understand this moment in your life!! After all, you were there with me during my moment...so we get each other. :) Only, mine of course was a thousand times worse.

I have to say my gut twisted in knots hearing about your migraine/vomit/light/noise/long plane ride...Holy Junk!!!! I just got a migraine for thinking about what you went through...pure H-E-double hockey sticks. So glad you are back, I missed you!!!

T said...

keep writing hilarious things and I'm going to be joining you with damp pants... getting too old for this... and I thought they were joking about the kegels when I was pregnant... oops.

Julianna said...

I wouuld like your seat number and airline name please, to ensure that I don't book myself a flight any time soon.

I do feel your pain though, I was pregnant with my son (didn't know it yet though) and had to fly from CA to Miami, then an hour later from Miami to Rome... Got sick (yes, I rocked the barf bag) on the first flight... the next flight of 14 hours wasn't much better. :)

Garden of Egan said...

Oh my heck! You are the ONLY person on the planet that would blog about it!
I hope the pleather seat has aired out and you got rid of your migraine....in that order.

Sounds like good times baby good times.

Just a bed of roses said...

And YOU ARE THE REASON everytime I go on airplane rides I come home with what you just described...which by the way just lasted 3 weeks and finally ended this past weekend.

I'm very sorry you were so sick, really.
Did you get to enjoy a Mickey Mouse chocolate dipped ice cream though? And did you get to get soaked on Popeye ride? Did you see Harry?

On my flight home of 3 1/2 hrs. there was TURBULANCE the ENTIRE time and no one could get up to PEE, so can you imagine how many urine soaked seats were left that day? sniff sniff.

Nothing cheap about Disneyworld... Was it cold?

Mimi Sue said...

I just have 2 words I'd like to share with you...Panty Shields. Only to be used on long airplane flights when you have a cold. The smell of tinkle sounds so much better than urine odor. As usual you've made the world a better place. So thank you! Mimi
PS Hope you're feeling much better.

Accidental Photographer said...

TMI... or Just plain (pun intended) entertainment... a little of both I think but I wouldn't miss another episode... I'd tune in again and miss Church (all 3 hours) to read your next entry!!! Thanks for the Valentines Day gift... sorry I didn't get you anything (after all I AM of the typical male species) I will try harder to remember next year that all the Red Hearts and Candy at every Walmart in town means I need to get YOU a gift for Valentines!! :)~

Kim Lovell said...

Awwhh! It's good to have you home.

Stef said...

Oh no. That's hilarious. Did your daughter sit up after that. Hee hee. I hate sneakup sneezes. So unfair. The friendly skies just got friendlier. Thanks for sharing....it all.

The Martos Fudge said...

Isn't it great to have kids who destroy your ability of squeezing? My life has turned into bending and crossing my legs, when I cough, sneeze or laugh. ridiculous if I may say. I could really live without that side effect.

Kara Elmore said...

YOU.ARE.WEIRD. I would NEVER..... NEVER!!!!!!! ... EVER pee. In public. EVER!!! I am HUMILIATED for you. Because **I*** would neeeeeeeeeeeeeever do that. EVER. SERIOUSLY - GROSS!!! EWWWWWW!!!

Except for that time after seminary graduation when we were at dinner w/ mom and dad and we couldn't find the car and we started to laugh and laugh and LAUGH and people were looking at us while we LAUGHED SO HARD and then I finally sat down on the curb because we couldn't find our car (remember I said that above??) and laughed so hard (why were we laughing??) that ACCIDENTALLY ..... I went pee. ON THE CURB.

ya - I guess you're not so weird after all. It must be in the genes. Let's ask mom if she does this!?!? :)

Hahahahah - my word verification is: quephishit

Jackie said...

Haven't we had a conversation about this? About how this is why I avoid trampolines.

KyAnn says get the bladder repair surgery.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I totally cracked up at your ending! Such a way with words.

I recall a time my mom stepped off the plane and promptly told me and my sisters to flank her on all sides.

She had just had a rather large gush of... eh hem, blood.

That was a little tricky to hide, but we did out best.