Friday, February 25, 2011


Two words, friends~Maturation. Presentation. Otherwise known as The Scream Heard Round the World.

I remember working up the courage to show my mother the permission slip~and I call her mother because she was the enemy that day. I folded it 18 times, whispered to Diana that I was "going in," set the receiver down and crept, sweating and trembling, into the living room. After a few panicky attempts, I finally hucked the paper square onto the newspaper she was reading and fled. I assume she read it, because she was there for the "Very Personally Yours" lecture and video.

Aqua booklet, black script, written in the 50's, but clearly meant to stand the test of time, because this was the 80's. Timeless advice like, "Not too hot!" regarding the temperature of your shower. Who KNEW what might happen should steam cover the mirror of a menstruating girl! And "Smile, sister, Smile!" when you check your reflection in your compact mirror, touching up your ruby red lipstick, but then are suddenly overcome by the poor fit of your girdle. Harsh realities, ladies. And yes, I've taken these things to heart over the years, smiling through my tears while I fix my bleeding red lipstick in the compact, shivering in my tepid bath. It really is the simple joys.

Anyway, my sister in law tried to prepare her twin daughters for the presentation. Appearing nonchalant, she told them the kinds of things they'd be discussing.

"You know, puberty and bras and periods and stuff. You know about periods, right?"

"Oh, sure. Yeah. Totally. Like, you know, the period of life we're in right now. Yeah, we know all about periods." heads nodding in self assured unison.

When she actually said the words, they ran screaming from the room~one even hid under the table, plugging shut her ear canals in the fetal position. "NOOOOOOO! AAAGGHHHH!! OOOOOO, THAT'S SO GROSS! DON'T TELL US! DON'T SAY IT ANYMORE! AAAGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Best part of that, my sister in law is pregnant. I suggested if she really wanted to have some fun, that she wait until the video was over, then pointing at her belly say, "So, now you know how I got this way, right? Me and Daddy...?" (eyebrow lift and head nod)

Long term damage.

As I said before, it really is the simple joys.


Garden of Egan said...

OK, that was funny.
I remember being scared to death about the whole video thing. Not when they showed it to me, but when I had to go with each of my girls.

Scariest day of my life.

I wanted to run screaming and saying "oh gross, don't tell me anymore."

You really shouldn't delight in such torture of your pregnant sister.

I never heard about the hot bath thing.
Maybe that's what happened.

Pezlady Jana said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! So funny!! I love that you wrote about Nat and skipped telling about you and Julia! :)

aubrey said...

HAHAHHA! That is awesome... Another reason I'm glad I only had one girl. Hubby will be attending three times... me? Once. Haha.

Kara Elmore said...

Here's the difference between you and me dear sister (besides the fact that my heels are noticeably less dangerous than yours. Your skin is prettier. Your wedding ring is 45 x my size. Your house is not a teaspoon) ... I LOVED that maturation video. SO much. Like SO much I thought of it OFT in my life. With thoughts of love. And reflection. And anticipation. For the day that I TOO can take my girls to the MATURATION (say it LOUD - it makes it better and less maniacle ... hahahah - how do you spell that???) video. I will point out to them the JOY I felt when they said "When you get OLDER, you'll enjoy taking showers more. And you'll be MORE helpful (showing the girl vacuuming." Then I got CONFUSED as a youth. Because I DID get my PERIOD (much later than MIssy who got it WAAAAY sooner than I did. And she said you toot more when you get your period. I didn't want it after I heard that). And even though GOT that period ... I STILL didn't enjoy taking showers - OR helping out. WHAT was wrong with me??? The girl in the movie SAID I would enjoy it more. WHAT WAS GOING ON ... was this even a REAL period??? It must NOT be. Because I wasn't just like the movie girl!

Poor Natty ..... I think your idea of pointing to her belly w/ raised eyebrows was PERF.

Natalie said...

HAHAHAHA!!!!!! Lisa, you said it beautifully! I tried to facebook my little story of my girls, but it wouldn't let was too long for a status update. I am still laughing about it!!!! I really need to write it down in my journal for them one day...glad you did it in the meantime.

Poor girls. I was thinking back on my experience and I think my mom was there but I was so embarrassed by the whole thing that I refused to even sit by her. :( I am glad my girls let me put my arms around them and they could ask me questions about the "period" parts that they didn't understand...even though they were so embarrassed. When the nurse started talking about periods and why its there for a baby, Emma just stared at my stomach. :) TOO FUNNY!!!

Lilian said...

I only have boys. I have never gone to a maturation lecture at the school. My youngest went last year. Apparently as the years have gone by, they have elaborated more and more with what actually happens to the GIRLS too! Last year my poor 11 yr old son was traumatized for weeks at the thought of it. At least now when my teenagesrs complain of the sometimes irrational behavior of the girls they know.... I am the one with the raised eyebrow and the nod of they head... and they get it.

The Martos Fudge said...

Oh... I am not looking forward to that time... Especially because I never had that talk with my mother and never saw any movies, it simply happened in the middle of 4th grade year when I was barely 10, I was the only girl in my class with the curse. And my mom came running in the bathroom with a pad after a panicked scream followed by a MOOOOOOMMMMMM.... I think I am dying. Yeah nope not looking forward... Thank goodness I got some time to prepare. Maybe take a course on how too.... But I would love to see the look on the girls faces after she tells them how she got that way. CUTE

Julianna said...

Too funny!

I had the "talk" with oldest around Christmas... he's so grossed out he's going to adopt. :)

Stef said...

Hahaha!! We have already had that whole talk with most of my kids. Yes, they aren't even 11 yet.
I start early.
Although, I am not quite sure how to talk about the whole boy's issue/body.... I have never had to deal with them....

Mimi Sue said...

hahahaha! I'm so glad this is all behind me now! My kids are all married and producing children of their own so somehow they figured it out. With or without the maturation movie. Did you see the polka dot cookies post on my blog? It was dedicated to you! Mimi

Cherie said...

That is funny! I am actually blogging about this in a couple days. My son just saw "The Movie" last week.
It is always a fun and joyful time :-D giggle

Brittney said...

ohhhhhhhhhh I had the worst experience with the 6th grade maturation presentation. Someone at the school decided it would be a good idea to surprise me with praise and recognition for winning the district spelling bee... and they decided to do it RIGHT AFTER the maturation presentation. Yeah, while all the kids were still stuck petrified to their chairs next to their parents.. I had to walk to the front of the room in front of everyone to be "praised." I wanted to DIE..

THEN they had the whole school line up outside the door, and I "got" to slap hands with everyone. Worst idea ever. Well, worst timing ever.

Just a bed of roses said...

It must be springtime, the birds & bees, cabbage plants & maturation classes!

( I was always told I came from a cabbage plant)

Nicki said...

Dear Lisa, my hilarious sister!
Love this! You are so creative...thank heaven for those embarrassing, horrific life events that make us laugh when our own kids are traumatized by these same moments!
And Nat...Mom was pregnant w/ Chris, your husband, when I had the "talk"..and she choose to tell me alone, at night, laying in bed next to her...just the two of us...I died that night!! :)))

Anonymous said...

The "scream that's heard around the world" will be the day she starts!!! Yep....even the dad will know what that scream means! Good times, good times. ~Anony :)

Holly said...

SO FUNNY... I remember that movie... came a little LATE for me... *sigh* Imagine me wondering WTH???

My kids had much the reaction you describe here,,, LOL!!

The visual of the belly point, eyebrow lift, "Me and Daddy, NOD... PRICELESS!!! AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!