Friday, July 29, 2011


I'm busy, folks. Figuring out what to wear for the pageant. On account of I'm a judge, and I think we all know how significant the scrutinizing. Probably way more than the contestants. Especially under the dim glare of the partial spotlight that manages to pick up half your nose and an eye socket. Plus "the wave"—you know, when I lift my arm and let the excess flesh swing haphazardly to let the family and friends locate the person they'll either adore or abhor within the next three hours.

Also, I've been anxiously engaged writing up my bio. Course, if I were candid, it would say something like, “Lisa likes to chew and spit gum pyramids. She’s an incompetent secretary, often times forgetting to take roll. Her teeth seem to be rotting out of her head, and her fleshy abdomen is getting more spongy by the day. But still, here she is evaluating you, which should really make you question the sanctity of the Miss America institution.”

Instead I made up a bunch of stuff that would be difficult to disprove and used vague references that I can Bill Clinton my way out of. Mostly I’m just excited to wear pretty new heels that will charm them to the point of forgetting the Emperor has no clothes.

Anyway, I guess you can only hope that your daughter isn't up on that stage...for a multitude of reasons...but mostly because I'll steal the show.

Now I'm blowing you pageant kisses. Farewell, darlings! (elbow, elbow, wrist, wrist, wrist)


Julianna said...

Instead I made up a bunch of stuff that would be difficult to disprove and used vague references that I can Bill Clinton my way out of.

Lord, how you crack me up. :)

I must tell you, I found shoes for the wedding! (I went in search of the shoes you posted from TJMaxx but, alas, no luck) I will be posting some last minute details just as soon as I find the batteries for the camera...

*smooches* (elbow, elbow, wave, wave, jiggle, wave.)

Cherie said...

OK I must have really missed something because I am so lost - giggle!
But all I know is you need plenty of Vaseline with pageants - put is where you may!!

Jackie said...

Did you see the shoes Lady Gaga wore to judge on So You Think You Can Dance? Please wear those!

They are at the bottom of the page.

Kara Elmore said...

hahahahahahahahaha. stop. for the love of pee!

First of all - it's what we WOOD GIRLS do best ... write ourselves up to EXTREME happiness in the eyes (readers) of all those who surround us. And very vague. Because you CAN NOT PROVE that I don't REALLY travel the WORLD ... right? (idaho).

I say score the most modest girl highest. Because the others might be pregnant ............ remember that one story???? hmmm - you might need to delete this.

Mimi Sue said...

I can't think of a better person to judge others! Way to go Lisa. I have to give a lesson in RS about being judgmental. Would you like to come teach it for me? I'm sure your kind of judging does require vaseline, duct tape and a new pair of shoes! How can I work that into my lesson? Mimi

Fat, Female and Forty said...

I thought these pageants were all about the talent, which is why they get older peeps like us to judge, because our vision isn't as good as it used to be. So they better be knockin' us out with their talent. With your profession heel wearing experience, I'm sure you can tell if a gal is out of sync when she has to strut around in a bathing suit and gown.

Garden of Egan said...

So how did the judging go?
Is the wrist OK? Hopefully not sprained from all the waving.

imbeingheldhostage said...

Go get 'em girl, show them what Paula Abdul couldn't! Oh, not THAT judging?
Anyway, I'll back any of your bio if you need me too.

P/S I bet my spongy abs can out spongy yours!