Monday, August 15, 2011

TODDLERS AND TIARAS AND BLOODSUCKER WORMS

I just finished looking through some blogs that have the uncanny power to not only enlighten and entertain, but also leave me feeling completely.......less. Less than them. Which is dumb, because I don't want to be them, or live them's lives or even experience most of what them experience. Nonetheless, I feel......less.

Which is why I like to watch Toddlers and Tiaras.

On account of you could cuff your children's wrists and lock them inside a feces strewn bird cage, and STILL feel you're an exceptional parent, compared to the WHAT THE HELL! going on with that show.

Speaking of mothers and mullets, came upon an old classmate from elementary school on social media. Long ago, on rainy days, the boys used to chase terrified, screaming girls with bloodsuckers (worms, really, but it looked like they were filled up with blood, thus the graphic nickname that lent horror to the experience.) We'd flee into the girls' bathroom to take refuge.

Enter the "mostly a boy" girl, who would grab a handful of bait and come busting through the doors, bringing with her all that is vile and unholy! She'd stand there in her Tuff Skin jeans and untucked plaid shirt and laugh like a freakin' maniac while the girls huddled in a, "TELL MY MOTHER I LOVE HER!" pile of weep and sob.

I can't remember what happened next. Maybe the bell. Maybe a teacher's intervention. Maybe I passed out and she stomped on my face. Hard to say. But what I do know is this—she was a force to be reckoned with. And I'm grateful the worms were the only thing she ever wielded against me. I'm sure she's a lovely person now—likely just reacting to trials and traumas in her own young life. Or maybe she just liked the feel of a bloodsucker in her fist. Either way, it's all good.

Which reminds me for no good reason of my poor son who is experiencing his own ordeal in taking the acne medicine Accutane. Looks like his face has been hammered with a meat tenderizer, and it's not going to be over anytime soon. But it's one of those "greater good" experiences, friends. Hideously disfigured now, chick magnet arm candy later.

Well, enough of my train of thought. The conductor is heading to bed...

Choo choooooooooooooo



8 comments:

Julianna said...

CAreful with teh Accutane. It can work wonders but really hurt the insides.

Go with your gut. If anything's not "normal" call the doctor.

On another note... so glad you still have a train that's running. Lately, mine seems to have lost it's Kaboose. :)

Natalie said...

Stop reading my blog!!! It was never my intention of making anyone feel less...I like to miss spell and use the wrong words from time to time to make others feel better. :) I know I am great, but so are you!! ;)

BTW... laughing my guts out at the fabulously descriptive story!!! Thanks for making me smile today...I SO needed it!!!

Natalie said...

Dang! I meant to say miss pell and use the wrong words with filling.:) Even I misspell my misspellings.:) haha

Melissa said...

Accutane rocks! I work for a dermatologist and we have sooo many kids on that stuff. It works! Kids are HAPPY! LOVE IT.

Kara Elmore said...

MOSTLY A BOY .. girl!!!! hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!

I knew one of those - but she chased me in my car. And brought me roses. And tried to pick out clothes for me and wanted me to try them on.

ew.

Lilian said...

My son did accutane. Worked wonders. Even though he was severely dried up during the process.... (he hated smiling because the dryness caused him cuts and sores on his mouth and he bled much). But glad he did it.

Then there's that one poor little boy that his mother claims HE wants to be in those little miss whatever competitions.... riiiiiiggghhhhhtttt!

Mimi Sue said...

I've been wondering if that's a show I should be watching. Thanks for the recommendation! Accutane worked wonders for my son. Became a chick magnet. AND arm candy. So much to look forward to. Mimi

Holly said...

I haven't seen that show, but I sure have heard plenty about it. I saw some of it first hand... I'll have to post on that someday... you know... if I POST!! *sigh*

Ben did the acne meds and it changed his LIFE... according to him. Now check out the BABE... HAHA... that is SO WRONG coming from me... You know what I mean!! (((HUGS)))