Thursday, February 2, 2012


I found a "trollop in training" dress for Jules at the local Ross. Now, I don't know if you are aware of this or not, but Ross industries are only allowed a limited amount of fabric on their production lines—about half the average dress. Some sort of rationing on account of depleting resources in the polyester-worm industry.  What? You thought only silk was made by worms? Anyway, because of this impediment, they're often unable to give the needed resources to cover the hooter region, and/or bring the hem lower than upper thigh. It's a plight.

Anyway, this wench-wear was redeemed by the fact that it was made of red and white polka dot tulle. I KNOW, RIGHT?!  Had to buy it. Which was kind of embarrassing, because the cashier thought first, that I thought I was a size XS, as she made sure to mention LOUD AND CLEAR THAT IF I GOT IT HOME AND FOUND IT DIDN'T FIT, THAT I HAD A LIMITED TIME TO BRING IT BACK WITH THE RECEIPT, OKAY?!


And second, she probably had the notion that I believed I had any business displaying my bidniz, as she didn't know I planned on altering the dress. Good thing I didn't mention I was buying it for my niece's baptism.

Speaking of my niece, I don't know if any of you have seen feminine perfection, but I think we all concur that the above picture is just that.

Here's another one~

Of course, you can't tell, but the dress is layers and layers of sparkly white tulle, with pearl accents and satin roses which cover the bodice. The matching cape has clusters of seed pearls in every rose bloom and the brooch once belonged to Great Grandma Wood, all created by my INCREDIBLY TALENTED MOTHER, owner of MaeBelle Bridal. Her latest hand sewn creation~

But I know what you're really wondering—Who made her pink flower? Um, he-lloooo? You're reading her? And it's not because her own mother can't, it's just that her own mother can't. But it's okay, because Boo and I have a really great arrangement—she makes me look good and I return the favor.

So like, when I have to make 70 plus shower invitations, and my idea is to go to All-A-Dollar and get the 20 for a buck cards, and type paper printed faintly with running-out-of-ink jets, cut with kitchen scissors and pasted with drying elmer's glue? When I think things like that? She slaps me good and hard upside the head, shoves me over with her, "Are you shitting me" eyeballs, fingers fly over her keyboard, she pushes enter, and it comes out as SPECTACULAR, DIVINE, SEVERAL FONTS PRINTED ON MULTICOLORED SCALLOPED PAPER AND TIED WITH PINK RIBBONS AND BOWS! And all my neighbors bow down as I walk the hallways at church, and I lift their humble chins with my cracked and bleeding fingers, giving them permission to look me in the eye, which they're reticent to do, because I might have had a recent rash of migraines, leaving one eye drooping of it's own accord, and they're not sure if they can stifle the snort.

Anyway, where were we? Ah, yes. Jules and her hooker wear and Kara's feminine perfection daughter on her baptism day.

Does anyone else notice the glaring discrepancies?

Me neither.


Natalie said...

GORGEOUS!!!! All of it!! So...where is my big giant fabulous flower?? Huh?? Huh??? Well, maybe for a birthday or two. ;) I can't wait to see the hooker dress... anything with red and white polka dot on tulle has got perfection written all over it!!

Cherie said...

That dress is so beautiful!
And those pictures are your niece? Is she a model - she is so pretty!!
You people have some skillz - Yeah!

Garden of Egan said...

I bow to your greatness.

Those are some pretty cute ideas. In fact they are gorgeous.
I love the wedding dress, I am wondering what hairstyle would go with that though.

Lisa said...

Tauna, I'm thinking a giant frizzed out afro? Something along those lines. :)

Julianna said...

So much talent on one blog. I simply can not stand it. :)

That girl is BEAUTIFUL. Clearly she gets her good looks from your side of the family, yes?

Anonymous said...

Oh, she is so adorable! I love her! :) So beautiful.


Mimi Sue said...

ADORABLE! That's what I love about your blog. I always learn the most interesting things like polyester worm problems and Ross production limitations. Verrry informative. And it's always wonderful to have an aunt that can come up with beautiful things that your mother can not. Love your comment about the bridal shower and the Stewart's Christus. Wish I could take even a little teeny bit of credit for that little miracle. Hope your friend has a lovely wedding day and a happy eternity with her honey. Mimi