Tuesday, May 24, 2011

IMPAIRED

Sunday fairies prepared this magical bowl of pretty for our Sabbath day feast.

"Just a Bed of Roses" perfection. I wipe a happy tear.

This is the kind of awesomeness that just drips from my sister, Kara's being. She made me these—jealous? And just like a new pair of shoes that make a 5 year old run faster, I am now the most efficient and organized Relief Society Secretary the world has ever seen. Just ask Maren. Wait. Don't ask Maren.

So Brenda, from Just a Bed of Roses, is all bent out of shape about me not blogging so much lately. In fact, she kind of threatened that she might just walk away from her awesome shop, leaving me stuff-less, if I didn't cow down to her pressure. Do you know that this woman ties up her bags with beautiful silk ribbon and an OLD 45 RECORD?! SERIOUSLY! So "MOOOOO," I say, "Moooo!" Because I need Bed of Roses like I need thickening products for my teaspoon of hair. And yes, it IS that crucial.

Anyway, whilst shopping there yesterday, a damnable DUI headache came crashing through her open shop doors and slammed into me, "head on." (Punny.) But I popped some ibu and kept on keepin' on with my shopping expedition, because I can do hard things, people.

Fast forward two more ibus and four hours later, and I'm driving to U of U for a workshop, wind and rain slashing at my car, headache from hell hammering at my skull, stoplights that sensed my oncoming vehicle, and a sense of direction that is about as accurate as Hollywood's moral compass. I was half an hour late to a seminar with seven students. Not like I could slink into the back row without detection, you know. I apologized to the class and spent the next 2 1/2 hours trying to talk myself out of puking.

The room was sweltering, the lights were BLINDING and my pain meter was hovering between 9 and 10. I made it through to the end and stumbled out to my car, only to plead and beg to the heavens, ending every sentence with an annoyingly high pitch, "Please, Heavenly Father, PLEASE make this pain go away! I don't want to vomit in my car on the way home. And I know there are other people who have it way worse, and I can't imagine you are even paying much attention to my whining, but really, REALLY, is there a lesson I'm supposed to be learning here? Because I'm not, Heavenly Father. No, really—I'm not. My head hurts too much to comprehend any kind of life lesson right now."

The one sided discourse went on to the very last moment, before I squealed into my garage and managed to make it to my bedroom, disrobe, brush my teeth and climb into bed, all with my eyes completely shut. Not even shizzing.

Anyway, I'm now at a 4, which is serious progress. And why do I regale you with this? Mostly to excuse the fact that I'm still in my pajamas with yesterday's makeup smeared down my cheeks after 1:00 in the afternoon. Also, to set up a possible lawsuit I'm considering filing against Brenda, because I got the headache at her place of business, and I hear she has deep pockets, as all small business owners are known to have.

And yes, Brenda, I'll consider settling out of court—for a vintage brooch and antique linen a day. I'm drawing up the papers now. Sign on the dotted line.


15 comments:

Lori Fifield said...

Is Kara selling?? Cuz I need, Need, NEED!!! Seriously.....

Erica Borrowman said...

I'm so sorry you've had a hurting head. That's a bunch of stinky nonsense, and I don't care who you are, it can seriously disable for days. I hope you're feeling back to you soon. You're not short of cleverness, however. I miss your blog - not because you haven't been writing, but because I haven't been reading. And there are no excuses. Just a life that isn't being all that lived and a messed up list of priorities (obviously). Anyway - I'll try to immerse myself more. Love you.

Natalie said...

Oh Lis...sounds like a day from H!!! Seriously, I am amazed you flippen' made it home. I thinking I am getting a headache now after reading this. Migraines suck...no lesson to learn, brain can't comprehend anything!

Just a bed of roses said...

ahhhh your making me laugh out loud again Lisa...I tell you, headaches make you even funnier, sorry. Sorry for your headache too.

Forget MY deep pockets, (that's why we own business' and won't work for others). We want our pants to hang with heavy money.

I DID OFFER YOU A DIET DR. PEPPER, IT WAS EVEN COLD...you said NO. Knock me off my feet Lisa! Just because I don't carry Rabbit poop ice...like sonic. shameful.

Here's the deal...you write frequently (like everyday or close to it) and I will keep Just a bed of roses doors wide opened!

And I always love what you buy, you know how to do it ALL BY YOURSELF and you dig and you search and then present it like a magician at the counter...like ta dah...look what Princess Lisa found today!

And crafty Kara, wow does she know how to create and find the Just right sayings for her princess sister.
I can't quit thinking about her sweetest baby girl. seriously there is something wonderful about her.

Cherie said...

Sounds like one heck of a day - I do not even know what to say because you said it all so well!

Natalie said...

p.s. I forgot....next time you go to Just a Bed of Roses- I insist you take me with you! And...Kara needs to make them for me too...just because. :)

Julianna said...

Can totally relate to the headache thing... but mine's usually soleved with some Gatorade and or mass amounts of water. :)

I have a stor like bed of roses near me. Almost Hubs has forbid me to go there any more.

Forbid it.

Yeah, like that will eve happen. :)

sandra said...

You are seriously the funniest person evah, you make a me laugh, and how you come up with the words you use are absolutely amazingly funny. Thanks for always putting a smile on my face and I am sure you put a smile on Heavenly Father's face every day as well!

Just a bed of roses said...

I didn't mean to call Kara Crafty...I too think it's awesomeness and clever, I mean, who has those kinds of things floating around Relief society room?
Only you...the most efficient secretary.

Garden of Egan said...

I love those cards!!!!!!!!
It makes my testimony grow for sure.

Sorry about the headache. I am such a mean person when I have a migraine.

Hope you are feeling better by now.
I have to agree though, I don't really care what's going on .... YOU NEED TO BLOG! Maybe a coupla times a day would be good.

Mimi Sue said...

Usually Brenda and her Just a Bed makes me feel better. It's all about retail therapy you know. Soooo sorry about your headache. Nothing worse. But it made you string these funny words together "a sense of direction that is about as accurate as Hollywood's moral compass." hahahahaha. You rock!! Hilarious. Mimi

Kara Elmore said...

#1 ... you BRUSHED your TEETH while mid-barf?????

#2 .. Brenda you DID miss me - I KNEW IT! I'll make crafy things for you. And I love that you called me that. And I LOVE YOU!

#3 ... you BRUSHED your TEETH???????? See ... I don't think your headache was THAT bad. bc when *I* have a headache, I take "dead coffin" pics and send them to you. Just to prove it. Where are YOUR dead coffin pics?? Huh? HUH? You were faking it.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

LOL! *sigh* I've missed reading you.

Sorry about your atrocious headache! Let me know if you need a witness statement for your lawsuit, I'm really good at lying.

I mean.... no I'm not! Eh hem....

Fleur de Bee said...

I am laughing SO HARD!!! Your post (sans pain empathy) is hysterical! I only wish I got a headache from sweet Brendas shop....because then I wouldn't spend so much lol!

Krista said...

Poor friend of mine! I'm with you on the headache. I've had mine for about 3 days now - but not to that level. I'm only at the "just chop my FREAKIN' head off" level, not to the "Please just kill me" level. Whoever invented headaches......