Thursday, December 1, 2011

SILENT TREATMENT

Well, the demon piggie wind is screaming so ferociously outside, that I have no choice but to stay inside, in front of the fire, drinking something poured over rabbit poop ice and blogging in my pajamas. I'm afraid if I try to get dressed, the wind will tear the size 2 jeans right off my shapely legs, and we can't have that, now can we? Shut up.

Anyway, I'm done giving you the silent treatment—and don't act like you don't know what you did. (two fingered eyeball point) But I think you've been punished long enough. Let us begin:

Happenings lately~

*I hosted a lovely Thanksgiving spread for 38 this past week, and just now noticed the dead flies in the window ledge of the bathroom everybody used.

*Since my son is still in Brazil, it's up to me to register him for his University classes, and I'm too stoopid to do it. Near as I can figure, it's some sort of filtering process—if you're smart enough to maneuver through the maze and find the cheese, well, you're rewarded with four years of tuition, books, fees and loans. But it's okay, because you trade that in for a piece of paper. That probably, and I'm just thinking out loud here, but probably you could find online, and print on your own, for way less money. But whatever. We say it's the journey that matters, folks. But in all my middle aged years, I've never applied for a job where they asked anything about my journey. The paper was all they cared about. Clearly they're not as enlightened as "we" are.

*I went to Just a Bed of Roses. Spent a lot...and I mean A LOT...of money on items that were just a little bit too special to give to you, so I kept them. See, Brenda goes out of her way to buy things especially because she knows I'll like them, and it would really hurt her feelings if I gave them away to others, all willy nilly and such. So in order to keep her heart intact, I'm biting this bullet called materialism and greed and keeping the universe in alignment.

*My son just called and because of power outages, etc, caused by the demon pig winds, wants me to call the school and give him permission to come home. Yeah, right. Like I want him home. Suck it up, son.

*He just texted me, "There's nobody in class!" And I replied, "Except you." He'll thank me one day.

*And lastly, MY MISSIONARY SON WILL BE HOME IN 15 DAYS! I KNOW! I CAN'T STOP SCREAMING EITHER! IT'S JUST SUCH AN ENORMOUS THING TO FATHOM AND IF I'D SHARED WITH YOU HIS LETTERS OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS, YOU'D BE BEATING DOWN MY DOOR TO CATCH A GLIMPSE OF THIS GODLIKE CREATURE, WHO STARTED OUT AS A SPOILED LITTLE HOP TOAD, AND NOW STANDS ERECT AND SHIMMERING, JUST LIKE EDWARD'S CHEST IN THE SUNLIGHT, EXCEPT HIS IS FROM RIGHTEOUSNESS, NOT SUCKING HUMAN BLOOD.

And THAT is what has been happening around here lately. Oh, plus I need to figure out a way to lose 20 pounds in 15 days, in order that there not be an awkward moment at the airport, wherein my boy searches for his adoring mother amidst the frenzied fans, only to find she's been swallowed by two years worth of Dr. Pepper, divinity and chocolate cream pies. I might need to wear a name tag.

Anyway, hope you've been well and happy and had enough time to think about what you did to deserve no blogs from me for three weeks.

Love forever,
Princess Lisa

8 comments:

Just a bed of roses said...

#1 at least you have rabbit poop ice.
What is size 2 anyway?

Wear your princess crown proudly...38 for Thanksgiving, understand dead flies around.

I saw neclace on your receipt...was wondering when those stunning crystals would catch your eyes, was it that neclace? I dared not mention as Sterling could be watching. Anyway thank you, I can continue on with all your faithfullness.

Yes, your son will thank you ONE DAY...surely it won't be this windy one. More rath to come if you don't go pick him up, but I understand that the words in your head were building up and a blog was priority.
I'm wondering how pretty your name tag will be...surely it will match your vintage outfit.
Happy for your family...15 days and you'll all have to be on your best behavior...ha ha! Nothing like a "sensitive to all things wordly" return missionary in the home.

Vern said...

THIRTY-EIGHT PEOPLE? You deserve a medal. Maybe you could construct a combination medal/nametag. Two birds, one stone.

Kay said...

Well, that was just a delightful read!

Julianna said...

I know what I did.

(hangs head in shame)

So glad we're on speaking terms now. Come over and read how I punished myself for my bad deeds via bicycle.

(The post is called Bicycle, Bicycle if you can't find it)

:)

Garden of Egan said...

Ok..... I am done being mad at you for giving the silent treatment. It was me causing the demon pig winds, just so ya know. I had to think of some way to get your attention.

Sorry I couldn't make it for Thanksgiving dinner. I have an aversion to windowsill flies. I'll only eat in places that have light cover flies.

So excited that your son will be home for Christmas....you can count on him......oh, wait wrong song.
I'll be watching the late breaking news for a disturbance of sparkly chested missionary returns home and crazy mom in a heap on the floor on accounta the missionary not recognizing his mega mamma.

You crack me up ya know!

Cherie said...

Man I thought the Demon Pig Winds (crap I need to figure out a way to use that in more sentences - Loving it!) anywho, The DEMON PIG WINDS done blew you away Princess.

OK sooooo happy for you that Mr. Elder is coming home so soon AND before Christmas - that is a Christmas dream come true if I do say so!!

Mimi Sue said...

Sooo glad you're back. I receive much inspiration from Princess Lisa's words. Having missionary children come home is a good thing and a bad thing. You'll see what I mean very soon! Keep us informed on all the festivities! Mimi

Mimi Sue said...

PS Did you leave me anything good at Just A Bed Of Roses??