LOVE AND REASON

Me~"Honey, you forgot to wash your hair last night. You need to go jump in the shower."

Jules~(digging out eye boogers)"MOOOOOOMMMMM! MY HAIR IS FINE LIKE THIS. I'LL JUST TAKE OUT THE BRAID AND IT WILL BE FLOWY. IT'S FINE!"

Me~"Okay, let me see it. (Medusa on crack) Nope, sorry. It's not fine. It's gross. Go shower. Hurry, quick!"

Jules~"UUUUGGGHHHHH!!!!! THAT MAKES ME SO MAD! WHY CAN'T I WEAR MY HAIR LIKE THIS! I HATE TO SHOWER IN THE MORNING!"

Me~"Dear, you KNEW you needed to shower. I'm sure you remembered last night, and still chose not to. Now get up there and shower."

Jules~(stomping up the stairs)"I DID NOT REMEMBER! I REMEMBER THAT I DIDN'T REMEMBER!"

And yes, friends. that is how we began our day. With a delightful, but more importantly, REASONABLE, conversation.

"There is Beauty all around, when there's love at home...."

SECRETARIAL SKILLS

Well howdy, folks!

Lisa here, snacking on Twizzlers, Blow Pops and such, on account of trick or treating being the season, and me being an active participant. Trying my best to keep the recession from interfering with candy productivity. Because SOME people have cut back, I am being FORCED to increase my own personal consumption, in order to keep candy maker profits from going down the toilet. Just doin' my part, friends. Being the giver that I am.

Anyway, what else? Oh, hey. Did I mention I have a new calling in my church? I'm the Relief Society Secretary. UH HUH! THAT'S RIGHT. I SAID SECRETARY! Something they CLEARLY do not understand about Princess Lisa, is her complete ineptitude when it comes to all things technical, template and calendar.

Not that she can't, but more because she won't.

Oh, sure. She can type. And even attach pictures, with consistent tutoring from her teenage sons and a reminder post-it attached to every flat surface in her home. However, when they say things to me like, "Hey, you'll want to blind CC that newsletter before you send it out"~well, let's just say it turns to Klingon mid sentence. And I never learned Klingon, on account of no real world application. Or so I thought.

Last Sunday, the Primary President came into our class looking for a substitute teacher. I arose, fully committed to teaching 8 year olds for the next couple of hours, and it wasn't until the RS President grabbed my attention with her incredulous two fingered eyeball point, that I remembered I already HAD a job...and should actually be in another room at that very moment taking role...which I fully INTENDED TO DO, ANONY...just hadn't gotten around to it yet. But I was going to. Later. After everyone had gone home. Geez.

Anyway, I'd best be off. I have to get to graphing next month's calendar with my ruler and Sharpie~making a quick trip to Hobby Lobby for some seasonal stickers to decorate my mimeographed copies.

Because I'm cutting edge, people, that's why.

Jealous? Get your own secretary skills. These are taken.

OREOS

"NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER, EVERRRRRR go shopping for Halloween candy when you're hungry," she said.

With Oreos in her teeth...

...And double fisting Twizzlers...

...Pouring a bowl of Franken Berry marshmallow cereal.

FINDERS KEEPERS

Sorry~can't talk right now~juggling.

Balls.

Lots of them.

Kind of hard, on account of intermixed between the ping pongs are bowling balls named roadshow.

Wish they were gum balls.

Then I could catch them in my mouth, chew, and spit 'em out.

Then you'd step in them, and they would be your problem.

Ever stepped in a wad of bowling ball before?

Nope.

Me neither.

Anyway, if you see one of these babies come rolling by, pick it up for me, will ya?

HAHAHAHAHA!!! YOU FOOL! FINDERS, KEEPERS! SO LONG SUCKAH!!!

IT'S AUTUMN TIME...

Welcome to Fall...

A view from our Sunset Maple. Heavenly Father was SO on his game when he created trees.

My witch collection. Izoldi is in the middle with the 'substantial' chin. 'Member how I told you about her? She lived under our bed when we were little.

My latest addition. And I'm pretty confident those are extensions...nobody's eyelashes are THAT long, people.

Another new witchy-pooh. The kids find her frightening, but I think they just realize she can see through their soul.

Stairwell garland.

View into the library. Jesus watches what you pull up on the Internet in there, so, you know...

Autumn sunshine on a festive wreath. God Bless America.

A farewell bloom just for me. Simply because they love me...and I give them candy when you're not looking.

BLESS YOE HAWTS

Beautiful sister who lost 22 pounds before I came out. She's very selfish like that.

Jake, aka 'gentleman kitty', after feasting on a wild pig in butter sauce. This is actually a very flattering picture, believe it or not.

The Biltmore estate. Nothing more to say.

Nick and Brad riding a Spyder. Who knew those words went together?

Oh, people. People, people, people. Where to begin? Do I start with the farting passengers in the rows just in front of us as we rode a radio controlled model airplane into Columbia? Or how HEAD CHEERLEADER AND FOOTBALL CAPTAIN POPULAR we were on the roads of North Carolina, riding our Can-Am Spyders? Or the story of how the child in charge while we were gone, left his 10 year old sister home alone until 2:30 AM, while he and his younger brother ("I was just following Chris!") enjoyed a festive Lord of the Rings marathon? So much to tell, so little time to blog. And so we begin...eenie, meenie, miny...

Let's go with that whole Lord of the Rings marathon, shall we? Okay, so I get a call from my narc, who informs me that the fresh milk delivery from the previous morning is 18 hours warmed by the noonday sun, and the boys are just now rousing, all zit faced and greasy hair, from the previous night's activities. Seems they tucked Jules in nice ... and tight ... and safe as a 10 year old has any right to be, by CALLING and telling HER to make sure the doors are locked and garage closed, as they'll likely be late getting home.

And why not in person? Oh, that would be because they hadn't actually BEEN home, per se, the entire day preceding this tucking in, as any Lord of the Rings fan knows, the shows are as long winded as a February freeze. And it was a marathon, remember? With break time only for the necessities~ie., Mountain Dew replenishment, sword fighting and urinating out the window wells. No time for house calls or welfare checks. Duh.

Now, lest ye cast full blame upon them, it was really our fault. First, we bred a younger sister. Second, we went to South Carolina. And last, we told them all, "No friends over while we're gone." Which translates through their I-pod filter into, "Leave home immediately and only come back to sleep it off." So see? The finger goes this way, too.

Thus, in the end, we gave them a good phone screaming, mentioning things like: shut the hell up with your lame excuses, X-box grounding for the calendar year, DCFS and the foster care system and warm milk on cereal for eternity. One or all of them seemed to do the trick, as we returned home to a clean kitchen and a partial vacuuming job. They managed to suck up everything but a dried out carrot in the middle of the floor. (shoulder shrug)

Now for the sake of time, all the rest gets the Readers Digest version~a three day headache~and don't tell me it had anything to do with excessive caffeinated beverages every time we passed by a restaurant/convenience store/the fridge~because I won't believe you. I think it's just a curse God has chosen to give me, in order to keep me low.

Next, Jake, the fattest southern kitty in the world, who only hunts and eats pigs feet and deep fried mice, gets high centered while walking and has rubbed all the fur off his underbelly.

A couple of new favorite southern expressions, compliments of Brad and Carly~"Makes yer butt pucker," in referring to something that makes you cringe and recoil. And, "No, seriously, he's a tick," in regards to a lazy, rotund man who is a suck and drain on society. Now really, who tells it better than the SOUTH? Nobody, that's who!

In the end, I'm back home, better for having been with my beautiful southern belle sister and niece, hospitable brother-in-law and oo-ing and ah-ing over The Biltmore estate, fall leaves on country roads and just how close one can come to hurling on an airplane full of farty passengers, without actually filling the bag.

Plus, now I'm even more charming than ever, so WATCH OUT, PEOPLE! I CAN ANNIHILATE YOUR CHARACTER WITHOUT YOU EVEN KNOWING I WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU!

Cuz that's the southern way.

Bless yoe hawts.

IT'S A LAWJ!

Hey there, muh peeps! Or, should I say, "HEY Y'ALL!"

Okay, so here is today's Ashville, Noeth Cerlawna conversation overheard in the department store.

Darling little grandmama southern belle tugging a snug sweater over her ample bosom~

"Oh, wheel you lookey theyah. Ah managed to squeeeeeze into this heyah sweatah, even though it's only a saz...WHUT IN THE...it's a LAWJ? Heeyah I thowt this whole tam, ah was wearin' a smawal! Oh! That is jus' terribahl. Ah thowt it was a smawl. But it's a LAWJ!"

And her sweet little friend just smiled at both their reflections in the mirror, without saying a word.

HOW DELIGHTFUL! When I passed by the same rack a few minutes later, she was still there, primping and preening, and pulling at that same lawj sweatah. So I blessed her heart, gave her some sugah, and took another bite of my pecan log.

Wish you were hear, darlin's.

But you're not.

So I'm eating for both of us.