Friday, October 1, 2010

LIES PEOPLE TELL

We'll call this, "LIES PEOPLE TELL." Let us begin...

Lie~"Allergy/cold/flu medicine leaves you feeling drowsy, therefore, go ahead and expect a decent night sleep."

Truth~Except for you, Lisa. You get to experience the amusing side effect of having your face fall asleep and tingle with pins and needles, leading you to claw and slap at your nose every few minutes. All. Night. Long.

Lie~"A bag of sugar snap peas is good for you. It's roughage. Helps digestion."

Truth~Except for you, over 40 woman. Your bag of peas will pass the evening hours by inflating fat cells with their gassy pea emissions, making balloon animals and tucking them into cracks and crevices throughout your guts. They think it's funny.

Lie~(not an announcement) "Pregnancy is a joy. It lasts but nine months, you're only sick in the morning, and that ends in the first three months. After that, you're livin' the dream."

Truth~Except for you, darling Kate and Erica...and every other woman in the world, except the chick they interviewed for the study. Ever hear of "the spits?" That's when you have an aversion to your own pregnancy spittle, and can't swallow it without puking, thereby leading you to carry around a box of Kleenex everywhere you go, in which to discard your excess saliva, which also results in enormous, chapped monkey lips.

Ever hear of "color sick?" That's when you can't stand to look at certain colors~the more vibrant=the more nauseous. So like, you can't look at/walk past/sit on your jewel tone couch. Or wear your new pink Avon lipstick. Or shove that purple and red shirt in the back of your closet fast enough.

And finally, ever hear of "crouching down on all fours in the gravel of a country road, and vomiting so hard that your nose starts to bleed, and the only thing your husband can find to help you mop up your face is an oil rag from his tool box?"

So yeah, I totally lived that dream. The TEN-NOT NINE-MONTH DREAM, people.

BUT...for a parting gift, you get this really fun baby. And it smells like love. And when you kiss it's neck, a memory sweep is performed, (kissy sniff) leaving you doubting (sniff, love) whether it was really (sniff) as bad (kissy kiss) as you made it sound, (kiss, sniff, kiss) all those symptoms you complained of earlier. (sniff, sniff, kissy squeeze) Let's do it again!


Anyway, those are just the lies that were told today. And since I have a very discerning spirit, I was able to see them for what they were, roll my eyes and write a blog about them, once again, for you. Because I'm a giver.

13 comments:

Mimi Sue said...

You do know that all people would be only children if we remembered all the crap that goes with pregnancy and childbirth. Really, who would do any of it twice? For me it was smells. Especially fries frying. I made quite a spectacle barfing in the McDonalds trash can. Probably spoiled a few lunchs that day. Simply could not make it to the potty to heave. Ahhh, good times. Mimi

annie said...

I would like to know the idiot that can't do math and thinks 9 months is 40 weeks!

Another lie - acne only lasts through your teen years - really, tell that to the 34 still getting it!

Stef said...

Oh, I loved this post. Rolling from start to finish. Who knew peas would and could cause gas. I mean seriously!
I totally smell and love. That's one of my favs about newborns.

T said...

it's a proven fact that the more healthfully you eat the gassier you are. all the healthful foods have the same stinkin' sense of humor I guess. (haha, pun not intended, but I'm leaving it because it's a little funny... get it? "stinkin'... okay, maybe it's just REALLY late)

I should go find some cookies.

Holly said...

Pregnancy was when I got a total aversion to second hand smoke. Don't get me wrong, I never LIKED the smell. But when I was pregnant the first time, I would get the slightest whiff of it and start violently spewing forth the contents of my stomach, including the acids. BLEH! My father-in-law and firefighter coworkers of then hubby just thought I was being a rude goody two shoes. I should have aimed it in their direction. HAH!

Oh, My first was 43 weeks and 2nd was 42 (Ben)... I didn't give the other 2 a choice. I scheduled those babies just before the due date!! ;D

Lisa, there are 2 more lies people tell... Mind you they aren't always lies... But at times, I think everyone is probably guilty of them and they are the question of one and response of the other almost daily...
"How are you?" (Sometimes they really don't give a darn... it's just something to say.)
"Fine" or "GOOD!" (Sometimes they figure, "I'm not close enough to tell you the truth... We're not going there...." or "if I say anything else I'll fall to pieces, so we'll just leave it at that... *FAKE SMILE*)

Every one of yours is right on the nose! Literally for some... LOL!! A good reason to not eat healthy. Hahahaha!!! Actually, it doesn't get me too bad, probably because I munch on raw veges a lot. Maybe my system is used to it, I don't know. Now SPICY food... Yeah, that's a different story, and none of it pretty... or funny... ;p

One Cluttered Brain said...

so true about the "how are you" comment. I'm guilty of it myself.

Lima beans give you gas?
Ugh. I'm sorry.
Also Never EVER, ask a woman if she is pregnant because if she isn't you are in trouble.....

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

And who are these "green" people saying to use CLOTH DIAPERS?
Come on people...I did it through 4 children...(only because they were just barely being invented with child 4) it's not THAT COOL...really NOT cool AT ALL.

My husband declared this morning it really wasnt that bad. Well, I am buying HIM CLOTH DIAPERS when our two new grandchildren are born and we are being the loving grandparents that we are and HE can do the honors.
And guess what else...when he becomes "OF AGE" he will wear them too...because he has FORGOT, IT WASNT THAT BAD.

cindy-stitches-n-stuff.blogspot.com said...

I just love your blog, I laugh all the way through it. I can only emagine those pregnancy blues. I quess I was one of the chosen few, he he. My pregnancies have all been great. It's every thing inbetween that makes me upchuck.

hugs
cindy@stitches

Kristina P. said...

Lucky for me, my Nyquil side effect is having very vivid dreams. That would be nice if they were filled with the hotness of The Hoff, but no, instead, they are filled with the horrible teenagers I work with, and Mario Lopez.

Brandi said...

Did you visit Kara the day you wrote this? So you were reminded of the kissy sniffin' love?

Jackie said...

This makes me sick just thinking about having another baby.

I threw up when Lincoln came within three feet of me. And my house always smelled dusty=more puking.

Salt H2O said...

Dead on in the pregnancy lie- to be accompanied by the lie called 'morning sickness' which should be renamed- 'all day hell'.

Krista said...

And cheesecake doesn't have any calories. Oh, I said that one. I loved the oil rag - so tender. And making animal balloons in your intestines? HILARIOUS!!!