Saturday, January 1, 2011

BUSTING MIRRORS

Well hells bells. Can I just say that is NOT how I wanted to start my new year? Here I've spent all this time sprinkling glitter, high heels and polka dots across every surface I own, including this blog, just so that I might draw attention away from the issue at hand. But then, when I'm at my most vulnerable, it hits me right between the eyes. It's almost too painful to relive, but for you...my blessed blog peeps...I will. Only because I know you won't pass unrighteous judgement on me, on account of I have all kinds of surveillance footage of you, so, you know...anyway, here goes. (eyes closed, deep breath and pursing lips)

There I was, daintily flopping out of my festive, New Years Day shower, when what to my wandering eyes should appear, but a REFLECTION OF MY NEKKED, THREE TIERED MIDSECTION GLORY~POST HOLIDAY SEASON GLUT AND HOARK! Seems some INSANE LUNATIC positioned my vanity mirror in just such a way, as to capture the essence of shame and regret that IS Princess Lisa at this time of year.

Holy Shiz is right!

There aren't enough forks in the world to stab in my eyes after that offense. Plus, it was horrifying enough to burn right through the denial portion of my brain, and lodge itself in 'long term damage'.

Anyway, I don't know who it was, but there's no way that was an accident. I think we can all agree that it's highly likely I've angered some gods here and there. Or, quite possibly, Satan himself...especially after that whole "Las Vegas" post last Spring.

But whatever. It is what it is, and I take none of it back. However, I have learned my lesson, folks~No more mirrors. That's right. Not even compact. I kind of think that's why Vampires are eternal~clearly, they understand the connection between reflected fanny fat and death. See, mirrors=unflattering images=stress=shortened life span=corpse in a coffin. So remove the mirrors, bring on eternal life.

Glad I could help guide you through the nuances of my logic. Feel free to ask me some other stuff, but not right now. I'm busy busting mirrors.

Gosh, I feel prettier already.

And surprisingly thin.

No way to prove otherwise, so it must be true. ;)




13 comments:

Matt and Kierstyn said...

The only thing that beats mirrors for me is cameras. Cameras take pictures and capture them FOREVER (or until someone deletes the horrible picture). Not only is it there for what could possibly be FOREVER it is there long enough that you can sit there and examine each hair out of place, extra pound put on, and flaw you could ever find about yourself. On top of it if they are printed pictures you can compare them to the "glory days picture" as I like to refer to it. Then the questions come, "What happened? When did this happen? Why wasn't I informed?" Dangerous whirl wind I tell ya.

Garden of Egan said...

Well I musta got the same damn mirror. I know that was a swear word and all, but well I think I feel your pain.
I'm sure you were only gluttonous for a coupla weeks though. I am sure you will be at Pier One replacing all those mirrors and asking the ever famous question.....mirror mirror on the wall.......

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

I forgot to look in the mirror for so long,that i dont' even recognise myself...get startled by the strange old lady if I do happen to glance in somthing reflective.....
want a hand with the smashing?

Just a bed of roses said...

Holy shiz is right on Lisa!
Not you...ME!
As I am busting all the mirrors in house...husband looking on with horror!
It all came from pretty little bags.
Love the comment that I don't even recognize THAT person in them anyway!
4 year old granddaughter drew a big magic marker HEART right on my carpet yesterday...I just showed her grandpa...we both laughed. would of killed our children had THEY done that.
husband said "see arent you glad we didnt get new carpet?" grrrrr!

empty glass mirrors and new carpet
Happy New years to us!
super post by the way!

Julianna said...

Bust away my friend... mirrors leave no evidence though... my enemy is cameras, but I suppose that's what photo shop is for ;)

Mimi Sue said...

The older I get the smaller my mirrors. Now I can only see the top of my head when I brush my hair. I never thought of smashing them. That's why we all come to you for your great ideas and words of wisdom. Have a happy and hilarious 2011. Mimi

Kay said...

Well, you could always do that bungee-jumping thing in Canada in February ha.

The Martos Fudge said...

The Stupid reflecting thing in my bathroom is about 4 feet tall and 12 feet wide. There is no way not to get the full BLOWN darn view every stinking time I go in there. I feel your pain. Now how do I convince husband to be a vampire?

T said...

I'm on board with this one... bring on the immortal reflection-less life!

Holly said...

My mirror must be from a fun house at the carnival and it's possessed with evil images it throws back in my direction... LOL!

So WHY when I read this do I envision you going through smashing mirrors like the PHANTOM at the end of Phantom of the Opera? LOL! And to the music, of course!

And you're beautiful!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

"reflected fanny fat and death" LOLOL!!!

Now, I realize that I'm pregnant and all, but let me tell you, that is NO consolation to me after seeing how big my saddle bags have become. I don't see why I have to suffer such things for trying to follow the prophet's counsel and maintain a year supply of chocolate food storage!

Meredith said...

If only my 3 tiered belly could be sucked away.... far far away into a black hole! sigh...

Kara Elmore said...

I find that if I put a (thick) layer of saran wrap over each and every mirror, I feel blessed to look at myself. It's all sorts of distortion ... which means that what is REALLY underneath MUST be perfect .... right??