Monday, January 31, 2011

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

So, 'member how I mentioned some sort of intolerance issue, the other day? Something about Cadburys and fart storms and such? Well, over the weekend, things have gone from bad to worse, friends. And let's be honest~with my eclectic diet, sometimes it's hard to pinpoint exactly where the witches brew has it's inception. Like, okay, I had some clementine cuties. And a Dr. Pepper. And nuts. And gum drops. And a cupcake. And Cadbury mini-eggs. Aaaaand half a gallon of ice cream. And I really can't say which one caused the intestinal disturbance, but most likely, it was the citrus.

Which brings me to our family's new staple product. Citrus scented Febreze. I'm going out now to buy a two year supply, because chances are, just like all of God's creations, my body chemistry will likely go from matter organized to flagrant anarchy over the next few years.

Which means it's just as likely that our chair cushions are going to rot from the inside out, as we tend to bury things deeply and in secret within these walls. Then later, as we kneel in front of the couches and chairs for family prayer, head bowed low, we detect these...hidden treasures of bum bouquets...leading to what we like to call "The Blame Game." Or, "He who smelt it, dealt it."

Anyway, I only share this with you, so that if you see a really attractive and seemingly untainted set of family room furniture out on the curb with a "free for the taking" sign, you'll know to just drive on by, people.

Nothing to see here.

Just gobs to smell.



You've been warned.

15 comments:

Garden of Egan said...

Oh my helllllooo! That is about the most hilarious post ever!
Seriously?
You're blaming it on the citrus?
I'm totally sure that's what it was.

Ya, about the family prayer thing....you may want to take it outside.

I'd never heard of the smelt/dealt thing.
Amazingly enough, it doesn't seem to matter how old the children/husband gets, it's still a source of entertainment.

Mimi Sue said...

I've had the same problem with most fruits and vegetables. That's what you get for eating healthy. I say do NOT upset the delicate intestinal balance of your innards. Thanks for the warning about the furniture. I have been known to pick up a chair or two by the side of the road. You are toooo hilarious. Which is not good for my delicate bladder balance. Mimi

The Martos Fudge said...

Oh my heck... I lived out of cuties, for the first 4 months of this pregnancy. I LOVE THEM. I Also LOVED the little girl outfit. You are so thoughtful and kind. How did you know I love PINK and I LOVE BOWS.... they are my weakness. THANK YOU SOOO MUCH. Annabelle will love them too. and when she wears it I'll be sure to post it for you to see.

Anonymous said...

"hidden treasures of bum bouquets"....bahhaahhahahhahahaha!!

I needed a good laugh today! Anony :)

Cherie said...

Laughing my behind off!! (Yes I'm polite like that sometimes :-D)
You are such a crack up. I love how you tell it how it is.
I've got a house full of teenage boys and 10 year old boys at all times so I have to have at least 3 Scentsy pots on or I would be blown away by smell!!
I'll be passing on that furniture!

T said...

about choked on my chewing gum over the hidden treasures of bum bouquets... and now you know why we always kneel facing the center of the rug... our noses far away from the couch cushions.

Holly said...

Oh MY Holy JUNK!! Just imagine my mother-in-law in her 90s saying "Skunk smells his own hole first!" BAHAHAHA!!! Gotta' miss that old bird!! ;D

So would this be where I could give the advice to "don't INHALE" Hehehe!!

oh!! and be careful of that vicious citrus. ;p (((HUGS)))

Julianna said...

Now that I've stopped laughing...

I NEED to know where you're finding the Cadbury eggs already. I'm already on the hunt and coming up empty 'round here.

Lisa said...

Julianna, Smiths grocery store. Not sure if it's only in Utah, but fingers crossed for you. They're almost out. Not that I know that because I'm the reason for it or anything...just...you know. Anyway, I'll keep you posted if I find them anywhere else.

T, smart move. I'll try to aim the other way.

Holly, that's the first time I've heard that one, and holy junk is right! Hysterical!

Cherrie, I've heard Salt City candles are more potent. Plus Febreze. Plus Scentsy. Can't be too careful.

Anony, I would imagine you'll want to request one of those for Valentines?

Mimi, thank you for permission not to destroy my fragile constitution with fresh fruit and veggies.

Vanessa, so glad you liked it. I wish I could see it on her when she's born. :)

And Garden, how have you NOT heard that wonderful phrase? It goes with child rearing like april shower and may flowers!

Love you all, ladies! You're awesome!

Stef said...

Hahaha!. That is awesome...the whole burying your head in someone's aromatic bed. Too funny.

Just a bed of roses said...

It's a good thing your family doesn't live close to Francisco's Mexican grill...you'd be replacing furniture on a regular basis.

Your too fun!
Enjoy your family entertainment.

Brittney said...

hahaha, You are so hilarious. I love reading your blog!!! I need a hilarious friend like you in my real life.

Meredith said...

hahahaha.... That's hilarious! I have to say I haven't tried Citrus fabreze yet. I'll have to give it a try!

How sad but true the face in the couch cushions is, during family prayer! I often think of that.... putting my face where someone has scented recently! LOL

Jackie said...

Can we be best friends. I'll tell husband to look for a job close to you.

IWASNTBLOGGEDYESTERDAY said...

hilarious!!!!

I can't seem to find febreeze over here anymore....I burn incense !!!


citris...yeah yeas sure it was lol