Monday, March 8, 2010

PRUNES

Soooooo......picture painting time. This picture IS worth a thousand words, and all of them offensive and poopy, therefore, consider this your parental advisory. Get the faint of heart out of the blog. Also, a quick disclaimer~when I refer to 'Las Vegas,' I am referring to the few blocks that Satan has cordoned off as his own ranch. Not YOUR neighborhood, kay? Good. OK, let the story begin...

Imagine if you will, that SATAN gorges himself on rancid prunes, prunes and more prunes, along with BUSHELS of rotting fruit. (I refill my palette with a yellowish-green color) He fills his bowels to BURSTING with brown broccoli and cauliflower that someone forgot about in the fridge. THEN he grabs his THREE FOOT LONG BEER BONG AND SUCKS IT DOWN to dregs, waits till the blend starts to gurgle and seethe, then finally, when he can feel the witches brew is steaming with sulfur, he drops his pants, squats down and aaaaaallllll of the people in Las Vegas notice the sky darkens. They look up and see a GINORMOUS FARTING RUMP HOVERING OVER THE CITY, WHICH ERUPTS AND SPEWS ONTO THE PEOPLE BELOW!

But they don't notice, because it's been done before. They're wallowing in it already. The streets are filled with it...diarrhea courses down The Strip in the form of pornography, scream and thud music and gray faced gamblers staggering out into the light of day, shielding their red eyes while they light up another cigarette and proceed to urinate against the nearest building. And everybody just sludges through...covered in runny feces, because as one well bread woman belched out, "WHAT'D YA EXPECT? YOU'RE ON THE STRIP!" And she scratched at a portion of the enormous gut hanging out of her tube top, causing a mole to bleed. Priddy.


And we WERE, people. We were on the strip. And can I just say...oh. my. word. I can't ped-egg scrape at my eyes long enough to remove the filth and debris that is called Las Vegas. No amount of Bon Jovi or Phantom of the Opera can fix what ails that town. There is not enough Barry Manilow or Donny and Marie to camouflage the state of being. And the slogan? The only thing that stays in Vegas is your soul. And your cash. The disease is yours for the taking home and keeping, honey. ALL YOURS! Re-infect to your hearts content! BTW, I thought of a new slogan..."Bob! Geez! Look what you stepped in! The Strip!"

Something else we noticed is the aroma. We kept thinking we'd find a pocket of fresh air somewhere~twas not the case. We did, however, get to choose between two fragrant choices~Smoke or Fart. And sometimes you would get two in one with smoky-fart. We just walked through the entire city with our shirts pulled halfway up over our faces. And yes, we could have been more discreet if we'd just breathed through our mouths, but can I just say that farty smoke is NOTHING you want stuck to your tongue.

So blinded by the flashing lights and gross was I, that I had a hard time keeping my footing. I mostly just pin-balled my way through every casino, bouncing off the throngs as I tried to grope my way out. But out was not a relief, as it meant you were back on the diarrhea Strip and Satan had probably just finished up his lunchtime meal, which consisted of sushi, corn and crab cakes. And another beer bong.....and no, the darkening sky is NOT refreshing rain.....

Thus, you can see, that I had a temporary lapse in sanity. For which I apologize, friends. I know I threw you under the bus as I bid you farewell the other day. And telling you to build me a snowman while I got a suntan? Well, that was just freakin' arrogant! And I shake and lower my head in shame.

Let me just leave you with the words of our Savior, which seems a little bit blasphemous, considering the tone of this blog. But truth is truth, no matter where it's sandwiched...

"WICKEDNESS NEVER WAS HAPPINESS."


'Nuff said.

Amen.

(Oh, yeah, Bon Jovi was good.)





10 comments:

kara elmore said...

I am EXHAUSTED by this entry - and trying to ping pong MYSELF out of the filth of the descriptions! You nailed it on the head. And this is why, while on my freakin' HONEYMOON, I wanted to GO HOME from vegas. :)

Krista said...

Wow! That woman could say all that in one belch? I'm impressed! I could never get past five syllables! Yeah, it's been awhile since I have been to Vegas - like five years. I hear they have a good outlet mall, but then Phoenix is closer. I'm sure that's just where Satan tosses his toilet paper.

Lisa said...

Does Satan USE toilet paper? If so, yeah, maybe he tosses it there. I think he uses his hand, though. Boo, so so so glad you don't live there. I could never come visit.

Ster said...

EW!

Fat, Female and Forty said...

Yeah, devils and prunes can be wicked stuff. Amazing that one of our most beautiful temples is there, so after you go gambling you can go do endowments or something. Actually, I hear the church is great there, so there must be a small patch of clean air there somewhere. Just trying to find the positive.

Lisa said...

That's why I put that "disclaimer" at the top. I KNOW there are beautiful areas just around the corner, but sadly I was STUCK ON THE STRIP. We've been to see the temple and it's gorgeous and peaceful and all manner of delightful. But Bon Jovi doesn't get invited to perform there much. :)

Neen said...

Once again I AM SOOOO SORRY FOR PUTTING YOU THROUGH ALL THAT! You should totally know by now that I can't be trusted NOT to help bring you speedily down to Hell. I try so hard not to but the flesh is weak. When you dangle Bon Jovi and Phantom in front of my face I go weak in the knees. I must work on that. But I'm so thankful you were there to share in the STENCH with me. Let's make a pack right now, to NEVER hit the strip again. Even if Bon Jovi totally ROCKED and Phantom was MAGNIFICENT! =0)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Neen...Sounds and smells like you took Lisa to hell and back!

Mimi Sue said...

Well, I hope you're glad to be back in paradise~ I think everyone needs to go there every now and then. You don't take Davis County for granted anymore. We drive back and forth to San Diego where one of our daughters lives. We either stay in Mesquite or State Line. They're only marginally better but we stay out of Las Vegas if we can. Glad you made it out alive! Mimi

Lisa said...

Brenda, she TOTALLY DID! The finger of blame is shooting right at Janine! Of course, she held a gun to my head...goes without saying. But then she threw it in the sewage of The Strip, so nobody would dare go looking for it.

Mimi~you're right. It is paradise here and I'm more than thankful to have seen the contrast between the two worlds. I'll never breath a snoutful of clean, smokeless air again, without considering what it could have been.