Saturday, November 7, 2009


My son went to visit his university of choice this week, which just so happened to be MY old university of choice, which of course, meant that HE (6'2, blond haired, blue eyed, buff and unfettered chick magnet) would surely want ME (clingy, saggy abdomined, 41 year old mother) with HIM (refer to previous description) as his escort. Goes without saying, right? Right? I know.

Which is why I offered to be his campus companion~and...silly boy...he tried to refuse~(thoughtful little quick on his feet)~But I wouldn't hear of him going alone. (I'm thoughtful like that, too~do NOT underestimate my thoughtfulness.)

Ash~(with wild, desperate eyes)~"OH, NO! NO, NO NO, A THOUSAND TIMES NO, MOM! REALLY! Aaaaggghhh! (he reached toward my neck with both his hands~not sure why. Weird.) I would just HATE (for you to come) to put you out like that! You stay home (where you belong) where you're not with me...on campus..."

Me~(with a soft, motherly smile) "Oh, son. Dear, dear son. It's no trouble. (you can't stop me) No trouble at all. (seriously, I'm going) I want to experience this with you. You know, to walk hand in hand~arm in arm~with their son as they explore this new world for the first time~it's what mothers live for. (Vicarious youth)

And so, we set out to (return to my glory days) USU, walking arm in arm, (I held on really tight, even ripped his sleeve a little bit) while I pointed out things I knew he'd (never) be interested in.

He loved it. I could tell. Really good times.

And don't worry~I did take extra precautions to fit in, so as not to humiliate the boy beyond what he could bear. First, I held a candle in front of me throughout the day~in order to cast a soft, ethereal light on my features. Nobody noticed the candle, just my "soft focus" face. My face was baby rump smooth. (I learned that magic trick from Hollywood~Hey, if they can turn a horse's fanny into a baby's rump, there must be some magic to it.)

Also, I bought dark brown nail polish and painted my nubs. And we all know that dark brown nubs on the end of wrinkly, crinkly age spotted hands practically SCREAMS youthful essence.

Soooooo, to reiterate...Lisa+brown nail nubs+soft focus candlelight+19 year old eye candy on her arm while she walks around her college campus from 23 years ago = a return to PYT (Pretty Young Thing, for all you Michael Jackson fans~and by the way, I just saw his movie and it WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME and I did the Cabbage Patch and The Snake in my seat, which ALSO made me look exactly like I did the first time I learned and performed those dances at high school stomps...and heard his even MORE youngness glowed all around me.)

And I sit and hum and move my a crowd pleasing favorite...

She's still preoccupied...with 19..19...1985.

Wonder who "she" is and why "she" hasn't moved on.

It's almost 2010.



kara elmore said...

HOW ... HOW DO YOU DO IT?? How do you write such amazing details - so much so that I LAUGH SOOOOOOOOOO HARD and nearly (lots) pee in my pants!?!?!?!

Oh 1985 ... please live on forever so Lisa can continue writing all her glory days. If only to entertain me. Because for SOME REASON, I find a way to make it ALLLLL ABOUT ME! Hmmm - maybe we BOTH do. Weird wood girls!

Anonymous said...

BRILLIANT!!! However, you did forget to mention 'flat bum' in your 41 year old mother description. (you're welcome, Kara...I know you were thinking 'she left that out' as well).

And sorry about your nubs...still guilt ridden about that...but not so much so that I loose sleep over it :)

Anonymous said...

ooops....spell check....LOSE

Lisa said...

Anonymous, I'm telling everyone that you don't know the difference between lose and loose, unless you do my nubs. I know you're worried about that. So much so that you'll start up again right away.

BB, it IS all about you. It always will be. And one day, you'll be humming to a new song called, "1995."