Tuesday, November 17, 2009

BABY BLOOMERS

Well, I finally did it. I finally got thin~in fact, wasting away, people!

"How did she do it?" the crowds demand.

It's a wonderful thing, friends. Wonderful, I tell you. And anyone can do it. Even YOU!

I will probably write a book about it and make millions, but since I love my blog best friends forever~BBFF~I will share the secret and you won't even have to buy my new bestselling book when it comes out. And since it'll have to be printed over and over again, because of its and MY popularity, and will be on the New York Times best-sellers list, you won't even be able to get yourself a copy anyway.

I'll probably be on Oprah, too, so I'll already be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, because as soon as Oprah hosts me, it's the highest peeks, you know. So I can spare the money I'd make off of you, because the world will be my oyster. (wet slurping sound)

Anyway, the secret. Here it is. Shhhhhhhhh....buy bigger underwear.


I know. Brilliant! Or, if you don't want to go all the way, you can always go back to your maternity underwear, as I did.

See, I was rummaging through some drawers that haven't been rummaged for years (ten, in fact), when what to my wondering eyes should appear? But MATERNITY UNDER-GARMENTS!

Oh, they looked so happy to see me! But lonely, you know, because they'd been my best friend for months and months~four different times, in fact. And then, they were just tossed aside, as if they were a worn out pair of undies...which they were. But the point is, it wasn't very fair of me to discard them into a heap. And that was a faux pas that needed to be un-fauxed .

So I washed them and folded them and showered and donned them. And oh my holy cow~TOTALLY THIN NOW!

You have no idea! They drape and droop across my waif-like frame~my mini, bitty, elf-like bod, and they sag and bag beautifully and I just look teeny in them. No tugging, no yanking, no "goats," up a fleshy fanny (better known as wedgies, but those are shoes to me, because I'm old~just like thongs are flip-flops, not disgusting "goat-giving-fanny-floss"~which we all know is the truth, so don't go lying about 'no panty-lines.' Sha! Whatever. (eyeroll) )

All that is left is loose fitting unmentionables that assure you and everyone around you that you've finally conquered your snarling sugar and lard filled demons. (SHUT UP, YOU HISSING FIENDS!)

Oh, I just feel so joyous and free, you have no idea! But if you did, you yourself would jump on the maternity skivvies band-wagon/train.

ALL ABOARD...(oh my gosh, you're wasting away in front of me...bless those baby bloomers!)




7 comments:

Amberlee said...

Oh Lisa how I adore thee... let me count the ways, but first I have to pee because whenever I read your posts I laugh hysterically. You are so wise and wonderful. The simple truth is I was packing the other week to go visit our favorite AZ girl and I pulled out a pair of capris I hadn't worn in a while and thought Oooo I better try these on.... what do you know, I lost a bunch of weight! They were way too big and I thought I was in HEAVEN, until I realized that there were indeed my maternity capris.... and to my dismay the HUGE panel sadly drooped too low to be covered by my shirt and thus I could not wear them in public, however I am taking a lesson from Joey on Friends and I'm going to wear them to Thanksgiving dinner, appropo or not because then I will be comfy, and after all isn't that what the Holidays are really about? and caramels of course....

Lisa said...

Ha! Amberlee, you slay me! I've done that, too. What a shame they have to make those panels so...strikingly apparent! Now if they'd just tried to blend it in to the fabric, we could get away with murder AND feasting.

I'm totally wearing an empire dress for Thanksgiving. Nobody needs to know how far distended I am under that forgiving tent.

Anonymous said...

I will really start to worry when you get out the nursing bra!

Thanks for another good laugh today! Love ya :)

Anonymous said...

P.S. just opened my mail yesterday and found an Enfamil baby formula coupon mailed TO ME! Would you like me to forward that to you?

And WHY am I suddenly getting formula coupons? I haven't had any of those mailed to me since I had my first baby....16 YEARS AGO!!!

Lisa said...

I don't need a formula coupon if I'm going to be using a nursing bra, silly! And that IS funny. I remember getting diaper coupons for years and then one day, it was over. They must have seen me and realized I was well beyond baby bearing years and it was time to start sending out "incontinence" coupons.

Aaron and Ali said...

(Hi Lisa, I am a cousin of Katie Larsen - and friends with Kara. I just want to say that although I was just introduced to your blog last weekend, it is a must read for me daily! And I'm writing this in parenthesize because I think that is where you are the most brilliant in your writing! Keep on writing - You help me laugh 'til I cry or pee a little - which is PERFECTLY NORMAL)hehe! :D

Lisa said...

Ali, so glad to have you as a BBFF! And a fellow "pee-er." And why would that even be a question as to whether or not that was normal? Plus, who decides what 'normal' is? I'll tell you who. WE DO, that's who. So I'm announcing loudly that PEEING IS NORMAL WHEN YOU READ LISA'S BLOG...OR WHEN YOU COUGH...OR WHEN YOU SNEEZE WITHOUT WARNING.

There. That should shut 'em up.