"How did she do it?" the crowds demand.
It's a wonderful thing, friends. Wonderful, I tell you. And anyone can do it. Even YOU!
I will probably write a book about it and make millions, but since I love my blog best friends forever~BBFF~I will share the secret and you won't even have to buy my new bestselling book when it comes out. And since it'll have to be printed over and over again, because of its and MY popularity, and will be on the New York Times best-sellers list, you won't even be able to get yourself a copy anyway.
I'll probably be on Oprah, too, so I'll already be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams, because as soon as Oprah hosts me, it's the highest peeks, you know. So I can spare the money I'd make off of you, because the world will be my oyster. (wet slurping sound)
Anyway, the secret. Here it is. Shhhhhhhhh....buy bigger underwear.
I know. Brilliant! Or, if you don't want to go all the way, you can always go back to your maternity underwear, as I did.
See, I was rummaging through some drawers that haven't been rummaged for years (ten, in fact), when what to my wondering eyes should appear? But MATERNITY UNDER-GARMENTS!
Oh, they looked so happy to see me! But lonely, you know, because they'd been my best friend for months and months~four different times, in fact. And then, they were just tossed aside, as if they were a worn out pair of undies...which they were. But the point is, it wasn't very fair of me to discard them into a heap. And that was a faux pas that needed to be un-fauxed .
So I washed them and folded them and showered and donned them. And oh my holy cow~TOTALLY THIN NOW!
You have no idea! They drape and droop across my waif-like frame~my mini, bitty, elf-like bod, and they sag and bag beautifully and I just look teeny in them. No tugging, no yanking, no "goats," up a fleshy fanny (better known as wedgies, but those are shoes to me, because I'm old~just like thongs are flip-flops, not disgusting "goat-giving-fanny-floss"~which we all know is the truth, so don't go lying about 'no panty-lines.' Sha! Whatever. (eyeroll) )
All that is left is loose fitting unmentionables that assure you and everyone around you that you've finally conquered your snarling sugar and lard filled demons. (SHUT UP, YOU HISSING FIENDS!)
Oh, I just feel so joyous and free, you have no idea! But if you did, you yourself would jump on the maternity skivvies band-wagon/train.
ALL ABOARD...(oh my gosh, you're wasting away in front of me...bless those baby bloomers!)