Tuesday, November 3, 2009


Had a dear friend, when I mentioned I was going to blog about something, snark that "it's only considered a blog if you have an audience." ALSO that I can't count myself as a hit on my own website. Then he hissed, swiped a claw at the air and turned away to continue grooming himself.

To which I now respond, "Isn't Halloween over? Black cats and a butcher knife to the back are usually just for horror movies, and I can't bring myself to watch those after October 31st."

And so, let us move on...TO THANKSGIVING!!!

I love this season~this harvest time of year. I love red maple leaves against October blue skies. Love glittery copper wreaths on front doors. Love pumpkin spice and gingerbread and homemade cinnamon-nutmeg whipped cream on EVERYTHING~including another giant heap of whipped cream~(let us not scrimp at this time of year, friends. It's all about the bounty. Aaaallll about the bounty.)

And some of what I love is actually more of an absence of what I hate. Like I hate freaky grim reaper clad teens trick-or-treating at my door~tatted and pierced and pretending the holiday belongs to them.

"Aw. Soooooooo sorry, fledgling gangstas." (I throw out a gang sign and grab my crotch, so they know I'm 'down widdat.')

"We're out of shasizzle candy." (Shoulder shrug, chest pound with a fist and insincere frown, followed by a door slam to their thug faces.) "LOCK ALL THE DOORS AND WINDOWS, QUICK!"

I also hate ENORMOUS tarantula spiders and their furry babies cascading from fake webs everywhere. Cuz you know dang well, people, that there are some real arachnids laughing their hairy spider fannies off while dangling a centimeter in front of your eyeballs, while we coo, "Oh, lookey at the darling fake spiders, honey. Sooooooo festive." (hysterical spider laughter in spidey pitch~which is too high for us to hear)

Anyway, the moment the clock hits midnight and we turn the calendar forward a month, all those ugly things disappear with the ghoulish mist and I am again at peace~Impending gluttony and an excuse for every last calorie peace. Aaaahhh.

So let us all raise our fists in the spirit of the Pilgrim and the Indian~~~knuckle bumps to one and all! Hip hip hooray!~

I can almost see them wiping a tear as they look down from the Heavens.

(Might be weeping from embarrassment rather than pride.)


kara elmore said...

It doesn't count when people are mean. Their mean thoughts get sucked out by the devil. So it doesn't count. They're actually not real people. I checked. So - that "dear friend" can suck eggs/rocks/burning hot lava.

And really - this is one of the best posts! OHHH MY!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fledging gangstas??????????? BRILLLLLIANCE!!!

Lisa said...

Yeah. What you said. And I especially appreciate the burning hot lava, but isn't there some reference to rotten eggs in the grinch song? THAT might be what should be sucked. I'll suggest it next time I see the "non-person." :)

kara elmore said...

Typing this out ... for the non person ... is like planning a lesson for a specific person because they NEED IT! Alas ... they didn't show up. They were at the mall. Or at home. Because their mother didn't care to MAKE them to things they're SUPPOSE to do!!! :)

kara elmore said...

typo ... I meant MAKE THEM DO THINGS

Anonymous said...

I am "THANKFUL" for you, my sweet rabbit poop ice friend!

And YES, you DO have an "audience". All 4 of us check your post at least 25 times a day to see if you have happened to post anything else that day (because you should post at least 7 times a day....with all of your wit and wisdom). So there, 'dear friend, nay sayer!

Now...I'm off to Walmarts :)

lexa Jean said...

Lisa! Hopefully you wont mind.. I'm not like secretly stalking you but I stumbled upon your blog by accident.. Well I tend to think it was more needed than an accident! It gave a good laugh that I needed! I love how funny your blog is! Hopefully you wont mind having another added to your audience....

Lisa said...

Lexa Jean~I didn't know you went by that name. Cute. Anyway, sooooo glad to have you as a reader~and commenter. You're darling!

Lisa said...

Anonymous, the plural "Walmarts" is enough to post as a blog all on it's own. Hysterical. Thank you for audiencing me. EVERYONE, I PROCLAIM TO ONE AND ALL THAT I LOVE ANONYMOUS.