Thursday, November 12, 2009


I'm eating a stale doughnut, because I didn't quite reach my puke level (it was hovering about mid-neck) with the tacos, burritos and mexi-fries that I picked up for dinner. (We obviously have very expensive taste in our home.) DOD~day old doughnut~was a little dry, but that was OK, since I washed it down with caramels. (Not only expensive taste, but a commitment to a healthy lifestyle.)

I know~I don't know how I do it all, either. I guess I'm kind of fantastic. (humble shoulder shrug)

I was required to eat DOD because it was the only blueberry one in the box, and I'm a doughnut hoarder...and miserly...and the exact opposite of a Hallmark Mom~

~that mother is the one who wears newspaper dresses and fabricates her own shoes out of cotton balls and duct tape~all so she can buy little Timmy his new school sweater. And then they make 'After School Specials' (think Lifetime movies but about 25 years ago~soooo before your time) about her and you watch and feel guilty for not loving your own family enough to deprive yourself as much as she does, and a baby tear dribbles down your cheek while you see her give up her entire life and every dream she's ever dreamed for the love of her unappreciative children/cheating husband and then she dies a horrible, cancerous death or is hit by the bus that was about to slam into little Timmy, but she pushes him out of the way in her newspaper dress just in time to save his life...and lose hers.

You know...that Hallmark Mom.

And to state the obvious, I'm not her~although I do love me a fancy newspaper dress.

But that's a good thing~that I'm not her~ because it builds character for a child (incredibly lazy and selfish teenage son who calls from the front yard on his cell phone for me to drive him a block away~HOLY COW...but I'm not going to be specific, here) to have to mow lawns to pay for his own (freakin' ridiculously expensive) school sweater.

And it's a good thing, because 41 year old moms want (need) PRETTY, EXPENSIVE, HIGH HEELED shoes (not cotton balls and duct tape) almost as much as they want (need) rabbit poop ice and the sound of a Dr. Pepper being cracked open at 8:30 in the AM.

And it's a good thing, because day old blueberry doughnuts and mexi-fries are necessary for certain moms to stand having man-sick husbands *(see Amanda's comment) hovering like coughing/sweating/tuna eating helicopters all day long, while they try to go about their business. (Love you, puddin' pie. Hope you're feeling better.)

Plus, Hallmark Mom is dead. She was hit by a bus.

And I am ALIVE AND WELL...and going shoe shopping as soon as I swig down another caramel.

(gulp, burp, and selfish mom smile)


kara elmore said...

Do you see my cackling pointed teeth bent backwards in their hysterical laughter? That was SO funny puddin' pie! And bless your hallmark heart, if you KNEW how to link, you could've put Amanda's comment in a LINK. But you don't know how. So I'll try and teach you.

Hallmark moms suck s. And aren't WE glad our mother was NOT a hallmark mother. She always looked lovely and we KNEW she'd look lovely. And it wasn't at the expense of us - it was BECAUSE of us. So we would be proud of her. And know who she was and know what we were to become.

SO - to all your stupid A and SSP hallmark mothers ... you're going to get hit by a bus. idiots.

kara elmore said...

btw - I tried to do a stats counter for you ... and Nate clicked out of the site BEFORE I had a chance to copy/paste the thingamabob html code (bla bla bla lisa... bla bla bla!). So ... there's a PRETTY little STATS COUNTER sign followed by ##########. And I don't know why. I'm helpful like that. Sheesh - why don't YOU do something nice for ME once in a while! MAN A LIVE!!!!