Wednesday, December 2, 2009

MEAN SLIT-EYES

My appointment is tomorrow...weird how I even remembered. So I thought it would be prudent to make up a last Will and Testament, just to make sure the right people (and by "right" I mean colorful, red and blue, sparkly diamond, perfect mother, righteous, teeny waisted, shapely calved, white toothed, full lipped, flower lovin', beautiful, brilliant and clever, *imaginary*) get my stuff...should something happen to me, which it won't, right? RIGHT?

I have always found it works out to my advantage to be OVERLY worried about things in general, and then whatever the end result, it can't be quite as horrid as I imagined. Like when I was a teenager, the nights that I blew my curfew and didn't give it a second thought, were always the nights that my mom had locked me out of the house and then answered my (sissy-timid) knock on the door with mean slit-eyes and hostility. But the nights I stewed and fretted that I was sooooo in trouble were the nights she yawned, smiled and slurred, "Nite, hon."

So as a quick observer, the lesson was learned, "Worry the cuss out of life, and everybody's happy...and has stomach aches and ulcers...but that's what Tums are for, people." Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes. Will and Testament and worried as junk.

Actually, my biggest concern is that my ipod battery will run out and the dentist will speak to me and I'll actually hear him...and the drill...which will yank me out of my zone~ which means I'll have to respond to put him at ease, because I want to make sure he likes me since it's all about him, right? And if he likes me, he won't think it's my fault that my teeth bust into pieces~probably some genetic flaw that can't possibly be my failing~and he'll make sure the procedure is painless and quick and almost delightful~and he'll tell me I'm a model patient and to "keep eatin' that ice, honey. It's obviously done wonders for your nubs, I mean teeth." And he'll smile and pat my hand and tell me he doesn't need to see me again for fifty seven years. Not even for cleanings. And he'll give me a bag of gumballs that are extra soft, and a special magical potion that tastes like licorice and coats your teeth and makes them impervious to cavity creeps~as well as gleaming white for eternity~ without ZINGING THE CRAP OUT OF YOUR TOOTH NERVES like stupid Crest Whitestrips. And now that I write it, it doesn't sound so bad after all. In fact, what have I been so worried about?

I'm only a few minutes late for curfew...my mom will totally understand. Sheesh. What's the big deal...? (sissy-timid knock on the locked door)

(ominous music in the background as she answers the door with mean slit eyes and hostility...)

To be continued...






8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for dedicating that first paragraph about the "right person" to me. I didn't know that's how you saw me! Geeez, what a marvelous compliment!

Now I'm off to serve others.....at the Food Bank.....remember, our R.S. gig? Hope to see you there! ;)

AND....good luck tomorrow! Love ya...Anony

kara elmore said...

Did you pack your angry eyes??? (said Mrs. Potato head to Mr. Potato head).
OH my gosh - LISA - this is one of your BEST blogs YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And first of all ... that first paragraph was about ME anony! DON"T YOU EVEEEEEEEEEN TRY!!!!!!!!!!! See MY mean eyes!!!!!!!??????????????

And speaking of trying to make the DENTIST feel good and make him like you - I will ONE UP YOU (because again - it's about ME!) ... while freaking GIVING birth to WESLEY without medication (I'm better than you obviously. Don't try.) .... I was pushing my guts out and trying to be SO cool because EVERYONE in the hospital knew about ME and my PLANS and wanted me to fail. jerks. anyway ........ the nurse to my right was SO nice. And helpful. So - I decided (mid push and breath) that I would look at her DURING the contraction, so as to let her know I've singled HER out from ALL the rest. Even my husband. So she will know I like her. And then she will in turn like me. And I will be her favorite. The natural one. The one who SHE helped.

And sadly .. that's the truth. That's WHY I did it. I win. You don't. Dentist person.

Lisa said...

Good times at the food bank, Anony. :) I figure that's points in Heaven for me, that I can cash in for a pleasant dental experience tomorrow morn.

Jen in AZ said...

Good luck, Lees. And yes. Worry is productive. I worried for a month about driving 1000 miles alone with my five kids this summer, and then NOTHING happened. All that worrying worked! Seriously, I bet it will work for you, too, and tomorrow will be a breeze. Seriously, the turn of events of today will make any other day look good, right?

kara elmore said...

Umm did you notice that one of the side bar ads is for CROOKED TEETH. HAHAHAHA!

KyAnn said...

So I just came to your blog after my friend Kim Larsen told me you were freaking funny and to check you out. She's right. You are. I'm staying. I'd like to introduce myslef as your new blog stalker.

Lisa said...

KyAnn, is that like pepper? And I KNOW you've never heard THAT ONE before. :)

So glad you're staying...and stalking. I feel kind of desirable knowing I have someone peeping at me. I might just show a little leg now and then...just for you. :)

Lisa said...

By the way, Anony and Bitty, I was speaking of BOTH of you...like the two very best gene pools ever created and they merged into one to create the "right" person. Well call her "Banony."

Boo, that story is hysterical...and answers just so many questions, doesn't it?

Jen, I thank you for supporting my worry theory. Obviously, it's proven itself worthwhile and not just imaginary.