Tuesday, November 30, 2010

CHRISTMAS COMMERCIAL

Criminy, people! Have you seen my house? Have you seen the boxes and boxes of crapola just lying around like a lazy, farting cat in front of a roaring fire? Have you seen the bags and bags of "What the junk is this?" decorations, that had nothing to do for the last 11 months in storage, therefore, spent the time fornicating in the dark, plastic buckets with other worn and weary decor, resulting in a whole gaggle of illegitimate tinsel wads and cheap, tangled lights? Have you seen me outside, barefoot, trying to tie a crunchy, left over velvet bow on my iron railing, and then limping back indoors, as my non tempered glass feet immediately shattered and bled from the impact of extreme temperatures?

No. No, you haven't. Because you're too busy acting all competent and smug, having your lights, stockings and ornaments hung with care, and pretending you're in a Christmas commercial, wearing a form fitting cashmere sweater, smiling demurely and looking out your frosted window pane, while you blow on a mug of steaming hot chocolate. With marshmallows.

And I kind of hate you right now. And it's likely to continue until you remember how much you owe me, and prance on over here like a good reindeer does, to help out Princess Lisa, so she can start sucking down a few mugs of that Christmas cheer, herself. With marshmallows.

If I don't hear my doorbell ringing by midnight, you're dead to me.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

Are you inviting me to come ring your doorbell at midnight? Don't tempt me..cuz I will!!!

And I'm PRETTY DARN SURE you don't need my help in the decorating department so I will sit back and watch you with my cashmere sweater on and my cup of Christmas cheer in hand....minus the marshmellows and the hot chocolate...add in rabbit poop ice and a Dr. P. BUT I will be there for you friend doing the moral support thing...at midnight! Love ya...Anony :)

Garden of Egan said...

Uh, Princess Lisa......trust me. YOU don't WANT my help decorating.
I was fired from the "Vomit Christmas Decorations Class" back in the last decade.
NO.ONE.GETS.FIRED.FROM.THERE!
'xcept me.

You just stick some bandaids on those bleeding pinkies and get back to work!

Cherie said...

Be there in a minute with star-bucks peppermint hot cocoa and some homemade fudge!

:D

Cherie said...

P.S. I know, I really really KNOW that your house is going to be looking like a million bucks when you are done! Can't wait!

Sunshine said...

Dingdong, dingdong, dingdong dingdong--

It's only 10:36, why aren't you answering your door?

Lisa said...

First of all, NOT YOU ANONY! Cuz you will. Sunshine, I've been bra-less and in my pajamas since 7:17, so 10:36 is like four in the morning. Something to do with pitch black by 5 PM. Cherie, I'm waiting. I'll leave the light on. And Tawnya, yes I do, especially with your decoration vomiting skills. That sounds really intriguing. :)

One Cluttered Brain said...

Lol...Ahh but princess lisa I just decorate simple. Some lights around the window wreath on door, artifical tree up..thats it.
I don't get all foofy like.

I have tons of Christmas cheer for you tho. WITH marshmellows. AND chocolate.

Come to MEsquite NV.
We'll have a good time yet dear!

The Martos Fudge said...

Oh my goodness, Decorating for Christmas this year has been a night mere, Lets just say I have no tree decorations for the bottom half of my tree. No... not because I didn't have enough. But because my 2 joyous bundle of happiness either broke them or moved it from where I had put it. Half of my crap still upstairs in the attic. And that poor 150 dollars village is not even going to make an appearance this s year. Just because I don't have supper glue to fix it after my son decided that a tornado must come through it last year. But anyways not about me. When can we come over and help?

Jackie said...

Lisa. Everything you touch is golden. Love this post.

McClendon said...

I consign myself to being dead to you because I'm not driving 750 miles by midnight. BYW - I've finished my Christmas decorating. Stood the nutcracker on the table. There, all done.

Julianna said...

Ummm, I will not be coming by. Unless of course you have one of those cannons that shoots the lights like on "The grinch that stole christmas". Then I'll be over with a pie. ;)

And, until I get said cannon, there will be no lights up at my house either.

Just a bed of roses said...

mmmmmmmmmm....This hot chocolate is soooooo good as I look out the frosted windows!

Stef said...

Oh, Christmas Crap Don't you think that would make a good holiday tune? Nothing would be truer. And yet, we keep it...in a box....for 11 months out of the year. Crazy.

reasonably chubby said...

Hahahaha!! I see the Christmas spirit has slapped you upside the head and left you with a migraine. Psst...here's a little secret. Add a little something SPECIAL to the mug of hot chocolate and you too can experience the joys of the season. Some rum cake would also be a nice addition...

Matt and Kierstyn said...

Well Ms. Princess Lisa I have witnessed your beautiful home at Christmas and I believe it is the other way around :) Your house as I remember it, was a winter christmas wonderland. Simply gorgeous darling. I don't know what you're talking about lol...

Holly said...

Haven't found all our stuff and boxes ARE everywhere here... except some are from cyber shopping... which will HAVE to be a post in itself.... *SIGH* ...In other words, I think you will see the situation with me as a role reversal and you will look down upon me with pity... BUT... now we DO have some ornaments ON the tree and stockings/Christmas village houses ON the WALL... There another box SOMEWHERE... WHERE COULD IT BE??? *sigh* I KNOW when you post your darling decorations, I will covet your mad skillz!! (((HUGS)))