Friday, August 6, 2010

WISH SHE WAS DYSLEXIC

I DID EVERYTHING RIGHT, PEOPLE! I did death bed repentance exercise~for FOUR (4) DAYS. I peed in the cup and had her draw blood first, so as to rid myself of every last ounce I could. I weighed my shirts~one in each hand~to see which was the skinniest before I put it on. I sucked in and blew out at the exact same time when I stepped on the scales. EVERYTHING RIGHT... and still...STILL...WAAAAY WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!!!!

She told me I didn't have to look, but then she made me JOHN HENRY where she'd WRITTEN DOWN IN BLUE PEN the actual numbers...AAALLLL PUT TOGETHER IN THE WRONG ORDER! I think she might be dyslexic. Either that or I have very sinewy arms...and legs...and boobs...and ankles...and lower jaw...and LET'S LEAVE MADBROOK AND KRISPY KREME OUT OF THIS, OKAY FRIENDS?

She asked for my Driver's License~insisted it was necessary. Sha! RIGHT! Necessary for her to have my proclamation weight to compare with the reality. No wonder her abs were so tight...all that hearty laughter when they're placed side by side.

But...and here's some good news...my blood pressure was fine! FINE, PEOPLE! And that right there is reason to celebrate~with MORNING CAKE! And no more exercise...both of which I deserve. Because as I've always been taught, "By their fruits ye shall know them." And since all that brisk walking with jazz hands and hip thrusts (Michael Jackson on the Ipod~couldn't be helped) reaped no reward, well, I guess we know it's from a bad tree.

A fruitless tree.

A tree that would be better off heavy laden with pastries.

Now THAT is something I'd plant.


13 comments:

Mimi Sue said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mimi Sue said...

I'm sure her scale was waaaay off. Hauling it around with her like she does. Makes the inside workings jiggle and become disconnected even broken. So go get yourself another Krispy Kreme for your reward. You're welcome. Mimi

Mimi Sue said...

That first deleted comment was me. Pushed publish twice. Duh...

T said...

maybe if I bury a bear claw it'll grow a pastry tree

Pearl said...

I would totally take MadBrooks, but Krispy creme? EEEWWWW! Especially when compared to the deliciousness of Mad Brooks!

How the heck are ya, by the way? I'm glad I finally logged back on to read your hilarious posts! I need some hilariousness in my life right now besides my own crazy laughter!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Help me out here...what is Mad brooks? Pleeeeease, I must go!

In the next life there will Pastry trees...I know it, I can feel it and maybe even learned it in church.

Why didn't we get the seeds for them down here?
I would have an orchard of every kind of pastry there is.

Its that way because we fly...we dont have to walk it off.

Glad you found those grand central Barettes at the shop...aren't they a riot!
I swear Santa bought all our christmas' at Grand central and lets not forget Bakers shoes.

The Martos Fudge said...

You know! sometimes the actual air around us is heavy... So I am sure the air was laying on heavily when you were o the scale... Yeah. That's right! I know this stuff, cause the air always throws my numbers way off too. Darn AIR!!! Congrats on the blood pressure, mine is always way down low... The other day after measuring mine at my reliable walmart machine, I wonder how one could be walking around with a 98/64 blood pressure! No wonder all I wanna do is SLEEP!!!

Lisa said...

Heavy air...now THAT'S a good one. I'll remember that~keep it in my excuse journal. Mimi, I'm sure the guts of her scale were a jumble of disconnected parts. No wonder it was so far off. The rest of you, let's collect pastry tree seeds and build our own Utopia.

Holly said...

Good thing she did the blood pressure BEFORE the scale! LOL!! You know, with all the humidity we've been having, I DO believe the AIR was HEAVY!! ;D

Garden of Egan said...

Hilarious!
I am having visions of you dancing with Michael Jackson and it isn't pretty. (sorry I didn't love him)
Glad you are able to enjoy the Krispy Kremes again.......until you have to renew the license and LIE about your weight.
I totally LUV yer guts.

Krista said...

Something is seriously wrong with medical assistants these days. I think they just hire anyone. Let them take our IQ instead - we know THAT number would be accurate!

Jackie said...

MMM. I need a donut.

Congrats on the blood pressure!

Garden of Egan said...

You need to give me a description of the potential idiots that I'll see in the ER. I work the next two days and then the weekend.

The sand dunes are always good for great blogfodder.
I wish they would let me hang a sign in the ER that says:
"Studpidity is NOT a crime, you're free to go."

If I'd have known you were that close I would have hunted you down....unless we were still camping.