Tuesday, September 7, 2010

SALSA BEAT AND GYRATING HIPS

Never went to sleep last night, friends, on account of I had a Zumba class this morning.

I can hear you, you know.

Hush up...or you won't be able to hear this over your judgmental laughter.

Anyway, a few things were learned today. They are as follows...

1) If there were a "What Not To Wear" Zumba class version, Stacy and Clinton would have come busting in, and Lisa would be on TLC's season opener.

2) Candy corns are not Lisa's friend.

3) Neither is her sports bra...even if it IS pink.

4) Though they both start with the same first two letters, ZUPAS cannot be a tag team fill in for ZUMBA. I already tried. Last week. Five times.

5) Had Lisa been alone, she'd have done a crash and burn after the first 10 minutes. But since she likes to put on the appearance of robust health, she lumped and bumped her way through the entire routine, waiting until she got home to puke.

6) I'm almost not kidding about that last one.

7) Goats and camels have no business in a Zumba class. There should be some sort of sign with a big, black line through a zoo animal's crotch, stating that there stipulation.

8) A portly woman with enough determination can exert even more energy avoiding the mirror, than she does in hip-hop thrusts and shoulder shimmies...thus losing even more weight than the average size 6 Zumba attendee...SO THERE, YOU WRETCHED TEENY TINIES!


And there you have it. Now guess what? For maximum benefits, I have to go back there again. I KNOW! CURSE YOU LATINOS WITH YOUR SALSA BEAT AND GYRATING HIPS!

Anyway, I'm leaving now. I've got to fill my cheeks with harvest pumpkins, since the corns can't be trusted.

15 comments:

See Mom Smile said...

I have not tried a Zumba class yet. Thanks for checking it out for me. Everyday my kids leave for school they tell me "do the Wii fit today mom." Are they trying to tell me something? The pumpkins are better than the corns anyway.

T said...

hmmm... never been a harvest pumpkin fan myself - I'll eat them when the rest of the goodies are gone though.

and I'm still under doctor's orders to stay 50 feet away from all Zumba classes. true story. okay, well, minus the 50 feet part.

Kim said...

You did as good as the rest of us!! Yes I will see you again on Thursday and at the same horrible hour of the day! Don't these ladies think 10 AM is a good time to exercise? If you are going to eat candy corns then add roasted peanuts to the mix it is a treat!

Garden of Egan said...

I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall! No I am glad I was not in the class.
I would not have wanted to see the leopard wearing butt floss chic.

Ick.

Pezlady Jana said...

OH to have been a fly on the wall....that would've been awesome to witness!

Pezlady Jana said...

obviously I didn't read any of the previous comments or I would've seen that I was being a "repeat repeater". GEEZ!!

Cherie said...

I think your blog readers need a video!!
Candy corn ...YUM!

Lisa said...

Cherie~fat chance...literally and figuratively. :) I should have made it clear that what happens in Zumba STAYS in Zumba.

Linda, no, it's not a hint. Clearly, those children need a good thrashing.

Kim, you were waaaay too interested in YOU to be interested in ME...thank the good Lord above. And AMEN SISTER, about the time.

T, I want to know the story behind those Dr.'s orders.

And fortunately for us, there were no flies on the walls, as they were all nestled snug in their beds at that hour.

Holly said...

If it makes you feel any better, I'm going on 42 hours of no sleep... But I wasn't vibrant enough to go Tango with zebras! You ARE such an example. I could help you feel teeny tiny... oh... except the height thing, of course!! Yeah, I make up for it in width. LOL!! ;D

annie said...

I almost worried that you were talking about me in the Zumba class, since I know you live in my area - where do you go anyway?

Angie said...

What the heck were we thinking? My days now consist of "crap I have zumba class in 48 hours, dang 24 hours until I pull my lazy butt out of bed for Zumba". I can't really think of anything else, oh except "sure I can eat that I went to zumba......bring it on"! By the way I thought your outfit was fab. I hope those were not my camel's toes and goats you were forced to be distracted with!?! See you tomorrow!

reasonably chubby said...

I love how you've put the fear of God into everyone thinking you might be talking about them...lol! Way to lash out Zumba girl! I've never tried it, and now I know why. I'm big and tall and can't dance. Great, now I know why my mother always signed me up for little league. :)

A Modest Girl's Public Confessions said...

i love to gyrate my hips.

did it at Zumba while 8 months preggo and felt like a superhero

The Martos Fudge said...

Ok.. So ZUMBA is HARD.... I totally give you props. Though... Though.

Krista said...

I didn't get much past the salsa part. Were there chips, too?