Monday, September 20, 2010

SPIDER MONKEY HEADACHE

Is it gone? Shhhhhh......don't look. You're being too obvious. Keep reading this blog, and pretend we're not talking. Now just act casual while I look over your shoulder. Okay. Alright. I think it's safe. Oh what a relief! HOLY COW, PEOPLE! I thought it would NEVER leave! Nothin' worse than an uninvited and unwelcome guest. Freakin' headache CANNOT take a hint! I thought it would figure it out when I kept throwin' back fistfuls of pills. I mean, isn't that migraine talk for grabbing an elbow and ushering it to the door? I thought so, too. But every time, it just stood there, talking and snapping it's gum, while letting all the cold air out, until the medicine had lost it's window of opportunity. Then I'd turn to go back inside and WHOMP~the little spider monkey would wrap itself around my head again and came back in with me.

Anyway, last night, if you'd been passing by my kitchen window around 3:00 A.M., you might have seen a woman (not me) in drooping undergarments, one eye glued shut with leftover mascara, teetering on a stool and rummaging through her medicine cache, praying there was a miracle cure she'd overlooked.

Turns out there wasn't. But her sympathetic drug lord husband insisted she take just one. extra. pill...to see what might come of it. Which she did. And as she lay there, waiting to drift...off.....in.....to.......A WIDE EYED CAFFEINE BUZZ CAUSED BY THAT ONE. EXTRA. PILL, WHY, SHE HAD GOBS OF TIME TO ENTERTAIN THOUGHTS!

So putting on her fancy party dress, she became a nocturnal hostess, turning up the music loud~the irritating, vacuous, filthy lyric tunes she'd had stuck in her brain all week~and proceeded to perform an interpretive dance for the masses. There was something for everyone...lists to be made, "What I meant to say" dialogue to be hashed out, lousy parenting to feel guilty for. It went on for hours. As the last guest fled by the light of the breaking dawn, she was left with a litter strewn floor and a garbage bag full of empty pizza boxes. But do you know what made it all worth it? THE THOUGHTS, PEOPLE! The fantastic, brilliant, genius ideas that sloshed around in her brain and ended up dripping out of her ears.

Course, since she was laying on her side, they soaked quickly into her feather pillow, meaning most of them couldn't be retrieved. But she grabbed a few before they disappeared. Here they are......

Sheets. Ear wax. And something about potato bugs. If only she could remember the connection.

Anyway, laughing softly to herself, she managed to scribble those down on her bedside tablet, before sleep overtook her and headache finally tripped out the door, drunken and slobbering on Excedrin tablets at 6:45 in the A.M.

Too bad her son came in to pray 7 minutes later. But as of right now...this very second...spider monkey headache has taken up residence at the Zoo. Please, if you see him, throw him some bananas, so as to keep him happy and content and away from my face.

I'll keep working on that whole potato bug idea. It's sure to be dazzling in the light of day.

13 comments:

Anonymous said...

So sorry....I think I may have given the spider-monkey headache to you! I woke up with one EARLY Sunday morning, took some medicine and HAD to have some "medicinal" (sp?) Dr. Pepper--all by 7:20am!!! Went back to bed with an ice pack over my eyes and then woke to go to Stake Conference! I still can't figure out why the lights need to be on in church and why there aren't lazy boys instead of pews! I mean really, am I asking to much?!?

So I'm thinking that somewhere in the middle of the night the spider monkey crawled out of my bed and into yours! We really should get an exterminator! Hope you're feeling better!! Anony :)

ps....was the song that was stuck in your head "Love in an elevator" too?...hhmmm...weird...we really should be sisters!

Kara Elmore said...

waiting to drift ... off ... in...to A WIDE EYE CAFFEINE BUZZ!!!!!

Those are my favorite!!!

And I understand those thoughts. Which is why you get phone calls from me at 8:42 (MY Kids are gone ... and I am awake .. WHERE ARE YOU LISA???) asking you if "this" idea or "that" thought really stands the light of day. Because we ALL know that thoughts flopping around at 2:42 a.m. were MEANT to come out ... and said outloud .. to our sister... to tell us they are crap.

Cherie said...

Ooohhhhh SO NOT GOOD! Dang stinkin' little spider monkey.
I hope your head feels better soon - sounds like you might need something VERY strong!
If it makes you feel any better I wake up and think all those crazy thoughts with no headache prompt - is it age? is it crazy? Is it kids? is it mid-life madness?

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Wow Lisa, you write awesome with a migraine...hate to say this but spider monkey headache may be good for your career!

I do have sympathy...

Stef said...

I am totally with you when it comes to Exederi....oh I mean the phantom headache medicine. When I take that stuff, I feel a little loopy in the head for at least two days. And I am not kidding. Good thing I don't drink coffee...can you even imagine?

So glad that you headache was out shined and left! Whew!

Holly said...

So I noticed you sent it to me. Well, WHAT are friends FOR??? Too bad you didn't call me! I could have brought you over Extra Strength Pain Reliever PM... NOTICE those last 2 letters... PM... meaning NO caffeine to keep you awake. Hey, we could have played SCRABBLE, or something... HAH!! I finally was able to sleep at noon. ;p BLEH!

ANYWAY, my head is splitting as I type, but I am feeling like I should be able to sleep soon. I'm starting to get drowsy. YAY!! It's not even time to get Braden up for school. ;p

As for Thursday night, I think I'll be able to get away and would LOVE to go with! ;D Can you PM (OH... those 2 letters again... but this time for Personal Message.. LOL!) me the details on fb?

(((HUGS))) and I hope your headache went away in better time than I was to find your post. I'm GOING to find my sewing machine pedal!! I WILL! I WILL!! I got some adorable fabric to make these headache corn bags. I'm going to make one for Krista, so I'll make you one, too. ;D

Garden of Egan said...

OH MY HECK!!!!
You have seen me rummaging through the meds in the kitchen?????
You decribed me perfectly.

Spider monkey? No that isn't a vile enough name.
Maybe Satan-headache-from-hell is more fitting.

I hope the headache monkey chokes on your earwax!

Anonymous said...

YAY FOR ME!!! I'm the 33,000th visitor to your BLUE AND SHOE BLOG!
Ok, maybe I logged in a couple of times to make it but YAY FOR ME! Anony :)

reasonably chubby said...

Oh, yes, I love the brilliant thoughts that come to me in the middle of the night. Especially when the thoughts are drug enhanced. I'm surprised you didn't wake with your cape still on after flying through the city and saving people...:) Or maybe that only happens when you wash down the Excedrin with Nyquil? I HATE HEADACHES! And CRAMPS! Just thought I'd throw that one in there too...

Anonymous said...

Do you drink diet drinks? You might be allergic (heaven forbid) to nutrasweet.....whenever I drink it, I get a migraine - - - try Relpax or Imitrex instead of excedrin. Also MSG can bring them on....(that counts out Nacho Doritos or other colors not found in nature)

T said...

I think we've been having the same headache!!! it's driving me crazy!!! Currently I am down to three pills left in the entire house... not even a full strength dose so it had better not return!!! Of course, it's given me the excuse to sleep through Monday night whatever my family did while I was wishing for death to take me quickly.

Jackie said...

I am thanking the spider monkey god for giving me this. HEHE.

Krista said...

Oooh. So sorry about the headache. You know I've been the queen of headaches. Mine have been "controlled" and I finally have a "tolerable" one today. If you could imagine me throwing up my arms (in the air - not puking them up) and saying "Thank you, Jesus!" with my best Southern accent. Word verification: tingl as in "tingle." Gives me chills.