Wednesday, July 14, 2010


You know, I'd forgotten how warm and cozy a summertime walk can be. I'm still sweating, even after eating a cup of ice and laying partially naked while making carpet angels on the floor. But alas, I had no choice, people. On account of I lied on the pre-life insurance policy interview.

There is a profound story of an Indian boy who goes off by himself for several days to become a man. He climbs a mountain, reaches the top and is terrified to hear the rattle of a snake nearby. The snake asks the youth to put him under his shirt and take him down to the bottom of the mountain, as it's freezing to death. The youth says, "No! I know what you are! You will poison and kill me." The snake says, "No. I won't bite YOU. YOU are special."

Ultimately, the youth gives in and picks up the coiled snake, tucking him under his shirt and takes him to the bottom. When he releases the snake, the snake suddenly STRIKES and BITES the boy.

"BUT YOU PROMISED!" the boy cries as he lays, dying. The snake hisses these powerful words...


Now I didn't WANT to bear false witness, folks. But when you look a woman in the eye and ask how much she weighs, she has no choice BUT to look away and fabricate. That's what we do. That's how we roll. Ask any Drivers License bureau.

And I did keep it within a ten pound parameter of my current weight, soothing myself with the promise that THIS will be the catalyst to actually BE that weight when the nurse shows up at my door with BP cuff and scales. Kind of like when you (me) buy a pair of pants in a size too small, vowing you'll (me'll) fit into them by the end of the month. Only to find them again years later and give them to the D.I...not because they never fit (tags still attached) but because you're (me's) a giver, people. Generous to a fault.

But if, for some nutty reason, I don't quite attain that distorted number that tripped off my tongue so easily~even WITH sweaty summertime walking~I can not be held accountable, folks. I mean, really (hisssss)...Really, they knew what I was (hisssss) when they picked me up.

Or tried to, at least.


Garden of Egan said...

Naked on the carpet making snow angels?
I can't even wrap my brain around that one.
Thanks for the visual.

Now what was your post about?

T said...

I can't count how many times that story has been told over the pulpit... or how many times ManOfTheHouse has rolled his eyes at it... or how many times I've quoted that last line to him when he questions who this lady is that he's been married to all these years.

I did this a few years back - ended up doing a 3 day fruit cleanse to reach that goal weight, and ended up UNDER what I'd said by 4 pounds. I didn't even wait for the doorknob to cool from the nurses' departure before downing some chips and salsa.

Lisa said...

Sterling and I quote this line to each other EVERY SINGLE TIME there is a waft of stinky pooh air, or another bag of fabric is brought in from the car. We love it. It's our marriage mantra.

Tell me more about the fruit cleanse. I'm going to need it!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Ah yes, church movies. Love em!

If I told you I've gained five pounds and have to squeeze into the jeans I wore to the CBC, would that make you feel better?

It should, because I'm depressed about it.

Now where did I put that candy bar....

JAMAL said...

Hahahaha. Or tried to.
Love it.

Krista said...

It's the nature of the beast. We can't help ourselves. I wish I could tell the truth about that one thing, but I will only spew out kilograms. "Oh, sorry. I lived in Oz for seven years and England a year and a half and I speak metric now."

Jackie said...

HAHA. This is funny. I need to start using that line.

Also. Naked sweating snow angles. Speechless.

Although not exactly speechless, apparently.

One Cluttered Brain said...

Carpet angels?
I'm going to buy you some ice-cream.
If you are that HAWT. is true about weight, DMV...I always make myself look better and usually say 10 or 15 pounds lighter than i really am.

What's a cop going to say?
"Hey this isn't you! the pic on here isn't as FAT as you are! U are a real porker! No way you only weight 170 pounds! U are getting a ticket for sure!"


Megan (Best of Fates) said...

I love that story.

And I actually assume they take a 10lb lie into account - I mean, since everybody does it, you'd think they would have to!

Kara Elmore said...

INTERESTING that this last comment can apply in SO MANY WAYS! They knew what we wood girls were when they picked us up. So why do they complain? idiots.

That nurse can't complain. For alllll she knows you went on vacation in the meantime ... and we all know how vacations are.