Monday, July 5, 2010

NAME DROPPING

You can't see it, but this keyboard is slicker than a teenager's honker. APPARENTLY, the last person (son) to use it was also scarfing down a bag of potato chips, leaving behind animal fatty fingerprints as a sort of "guess which keys I touched" spy game. So forgive me if I accidentally spell some of my swear words correctly, thereby making them genuinely offensive, as it's most likely that my fingers slipped on the...lubricant.

So I'm back, peeps. I know. Once again, I didn't mention my impending departure. And it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I don't trust you. And let's not act like you don't know why, M'kay pumpkins? (two fingered eyeball point)

Anyway, I was attending the annual meeting of brilliant minds, patriotic souls and bum-less bodies known as the Stewart family reunion. And yes, that right there was SOME BRAZEN NAME DROPPING. I do that quite often, truth be told. It's an arrow in the quiver of my credibility arsenal. Here's a for instance~

I went to a conference, and as I stood in the waiting area to go into class, there was this darling little creature whom someone introduced as Hilary. I said, "Hilary who?" And everyone but Darling Little Creature turned stone faced BORG on me, and in disgust and unison, rolled their eyes and hissed, "HILARY WEEKS...*idiot." (*more implied than spoken)

She's famous. And I love her. So I went ape-shit stupid. (Sorry~lubricant, remember?)

Now, I'm nothing, if not good at covering faux paws, people...I have a pocket full of them, remember? But inappropriate humor seemed to be my calling card that day. When I could see there was no way out and she was recoiling like a Shrinky Dink from my crazy desperate cackle and stare, I did the only thing I could do~I just kind of barked out~

"STEWART! THAT'S MY FAMILY! THEY'RE ACCLAIMED...AND DISTINGUISHED...AND IMPORTANT. SO I AM, TOO. BECAUSE THEY ARE. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW? HUH HILARY? HUH? HUH? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

It was like super glue on cracked and bleeding fingertips. Fixed and forgotten were the idiot words out of my mouth and Darling Little Creature reached for my hand and held it to her weensy little bosom.

Maybe it was to stop me from stroking her hair.

We may never know.

Either way, I will continue to use the family moniker often and recklessly, as I see fit. And sadly, I shall never be a source of pride and swagger to them, but you can only have so many contributors in one family.



It's the law. I read it somewhere...or heard it on T.V...or made it up. Whatever.









6 comments:

Jackie said...

Do your children read your blog?

See Mom Smile said...

Oh my gosh how much do I love you. That was an awesome moment and I am glad you finally outed yourself. You covered nicely with your name dropping.

Our keyboard is so full of crumbs the keys barely work. I should have let the rat have at it before we ran him out of the house.

Tee hee, you said "lubricant."

Ster said...

The only name I need drop is Lisa Bingham, that gets me everything I need!

Lisa said...

Um, not sure why my entire comment section is empty, but I've received several comments and I'm pretty sure I didn't imagine them. Sometimes Blogger/blogspot sucks.

.E. said...

you are too freakin funny I think we should BFFS wanna huh.

Krista said...

Who is Hilary Weeks? Whatever. I know Lisa Bingham or Stewart or Wood or whoever you wanna be and that's even better! Can you slow down with the writing? I can't keep up! JK. Just know I may lag because of work and school and family. Reality sucks.