NAME DROPPING

You can't see it, but this keyboard is slicker than a teenager's honker. APPARENTLY, the last person (son) to use it was also scarfing down a bag of potato chips, leaving behind animal fatty fingerprints as a sort of "guess which keys I touched" spy game. So forgive me if I accidentally spell some of my swear words correctly, thereby making them genuinely offensive, as it's most likely that my fingers slipped on the...lubricant.

So I'm back, peeps. I know. Once again, I didn't mention my impending departure. And it's not that I don't trust you, it's just that I don't trust you. And let's not act like you don't know why, M'kay pumpkins? (two fingered eyeball point)

Anyway, I was attending the annual meeting of brilliant minds, patriotic souls and bum-less bodies known as the Stewart family reunion. And yes, that right there was SOME BRAZEN NAME DROPPING. I do that quite often, truth be told. It's an arrow in the quiver of my credibility arsenal. Here's a for instance~

I went to a conference, and as I stood in the waiting area to go into class, there was this darling little creature whom someone introduced as Hilary. I said, "Hilary who?" And everyone but Darling Little Creature turned stone faced BORG on me, and in disgust and unison, rolled their eyes and hissed, "HILARY WEEKS...*idiot." (*more implied than spoken)

She's famous. And I love her. So I went ape-shit stupid. (Sorry~lubricant, remember?)

Now, I'm nothing, if not good at covering faux paws, people...I have a pocket full of them, remember? But inappropriate humor seemed to be my calling card that day. When I could see there was no way out and she was recoiling like a Shrinky Dink from my crazy desperate cackle and stare, I did the only thing I could do~I just kind of barked out~

"STEWART! THAT'S MY FAMILY! THEY'RE ACCLAIMED...AND DISTINGUISHED...AND IMPORTANT. SO I AM, TOO. BECAUSE THEY ARE. HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW? HUH HILARY? HUH? HUH? YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT."

It was like super glue on cracked and bleeding fingertips. Fixed and forgotten were the idiot words out of my mouth and Darling Little Creature reached for my hand and held it to her weensy little bosom.

Maybe it was to stop me from stroking her hair.

We may never know.

Either way, I will continue to use the family moniker often and recklessly, as I see fit. And sadly, I shall never be a source of pride and swagger to them, but you can only have so many contributors in one family.

It's the law. I read it somewhere...or heard it on T.V...or made it up. Whatever.