Wednesday, July 28, 2010

DUNES

So husband and children are going to the Sand Dunes with our neighbors. Once again, I've declined the invitation. I spend enough time cleaning nooks and crevices in my home. I don't want to have to sift sand through my own fanny cranny. (And by the way, Maren, I know you relish the opportunity to make me look bad. I think there's a special place in Hell for you.)

Plus, my husband KNEW what I was when he married me.

Now I, on the other hand, DID NOT know what he was. He lied. Something he admits to now.

When we were first dating, he sent me this incredibly romantic tape (cassette~shut up) that asked me out for a date of...and I quote..."A candlelight dinner for two, followed by an old black and white movie...or maybe, 'Somewhere In Time'~a favorite of mine..." I swooned~dropped in a dead faint right there in the living room. My parents doused me in water and walked away, grinning at each other.

They knew.
But they didn't tell me.
Jerks.

Somehow~I can't recall why (made out instead)~we never did end up watching the movie. But deep down, I knew that he truly loved old black and whites. We were so~in tune~so aware...of the true nature of each other's souls. Love does that, you know. (I just threw up a little bit.)

Anyway, long story short, the moment the ceremony was over, he gazed deeply into my eyes, held my hand and leaned in close to lovingly whisper in my ear..."I really do emit stinky gas~on VERY frequent occasions. I will start growing weird patches of hair in unpredictable places on my body. And I only watch Arnold and Bruce." Then he pulled away to discern my reaction.

And much like our entire Honeymoon, I kept the smile frozen on my face. Nooooooo...it was totally sincere and real~totally. Why wouldn't it have been? You're weird.

Anyway, I'm not going to the dunes. It's payback time, babe. Enjoy the grit. :)

6 comments:

Ster said...

AH but you are going with us this time! Sure Miss you, hope you don't come home with any "ticks" I know a lot of people that have em!

Garden of Egan said...

Sand Dunes? where???? The Idaho Sand Dunes? Tell them to be careful. I work in the nearest ER and I could be their nurse. Bwahhhhaaaaaa

I think sand in the crack sounds totally as awesome as a hemrrhoidectomy.

T said...

glad I'm not the only one who put on fancy airs before the marriage and then turned into a complete bum afterward :)

Krista said...

Lisa, I love you. I don't go on my husband's "medieval camps" for the very same reasons. Or any other camps for that matter. I'll just stay home and clean or whatever. (Karaoke, eat cheesecake, blog)

Amy said...

You are killing me with this one! Seriously. Who WAS honest before the marriage? Not I said the fly.

Holly said...

LOL!! And I LOVE STERLING's #1 comment!! ;p

Yeah... I missed you, too!
When DO you get back? Saturday??

Thanks for scheduling post to give me something to smile about! ;D