Friday, July 9, 2010


Just got back from a wonderful day spent with my birthday girl mom and little sister. We watched Tom Cruise~or should I say, TOM watched ME. I know. Awkward. Just like Gerard Butler, I think he's got a thing for me. I don't know what it is about a grape aging into a raisin that gets these leading men all flustered, but I'm clearly all he can think about. Shoulder shrug and hair toss.

Plus, we had our toes done. And I shaved two days ago, thereby morphing my legs into a prickly pear cactus for the poor little Vietnamese woman giving me a leg massage. I guess she could consider them like a hand loofah though, right? So in my own special way, I was serving her, people...remember~always a giver.

Speaking of hairballs~Sassy coughed one up today, and it looked suspiciously like she might have been grooming the woman's legs I sat next to at my last pedicure. When she plunked down, I screamed at the top of my lungs, "What the he#$ are you thinking coming here looking like that when you know the woman has to touch you and get all tangled up in your leg mane?!" And by screamed, I mean my facial expression was 'the picture that shrieked a thousand words.' I think there's a special place in Hell for people like her.

And her hell mate will be the girl I was chatting with on the phone, who casually mentioned that she slept-in the morning of her LADY DOCTOR APPOINTMENT and didn't have time to shower. That's right~didn't. have. time. AND...she had played a lot of sports the day before. Sweating. In all sorts of locations.

I know.

I had to throw the receiver down while I vomited.

I think it's safe to say that at times like that, YOU MAKE THE TIME...even if you have to build it from scratch.

So what have we learned today, folks? First, Tom and Gerard are working out some kind of arrangement. Second, leg tresses are highly undesirable. Third, I have a wonderful recipe for TIME, so you have no excuse to EVER run out the morning of your Down There Doctor appointment.




T said...

down there Dr. appts should always be first thing in the morning - immediately following a really thorough shower. otherwise I feel awkward. especially if it's summer in Southern Utah!

Jackie said...

Dude. The OBYN is one person I will ALWAYS be clean and shaven for. Even if I am 9 months pregnant. It's just the right thing to do people.

Kara Elmore said...

what's the down there doctor? I don't get it. Explain more. In detail. With pictures. Or a book or something ....

And what makes you think that Tom was look at YOU? I thought I was the one who looked like cameron.

Kara Elmore said...

I meant LOOKING not look.

annie said...

So true about the leg hair - I once noticed a girl who had really hairy toes - so gross!
The down there should always be well groomed ladies!

reasonably chubby said...

Oh my gosh, you have me laughing out loud in a serious guffawing, snorting unattractive sort of way. How the heck do you expect me to steal Gerard Butler with these types of noises emmanating from my guttural throat/nostril region? Oh, yeah, I just remembered: I have big boobs. He's all mine...:)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Okaaaaaaay Lisa...this time I have been gone 12 hours today...turn on the air conditioner, pull the carton of Farrs Rocky road ice cream out of the freezer to sit down and read your blog.

Final decision is being made here...NO MORE EATING ANYTHING while reading Lisas blog.
I will still continue to be a faithful true blue peep...just no more eating ANYTHING, fraid I will choke and 911 will not be able to hear why I am calling.

Very funny though. Love it!

Now back to finding those little marshmellows in all that cold chocolate. mmmmm!

One Cluttered Brain said...

You know what helps with hairballs?
Vaseline on their paws..
Really Honest.
:) That's what I use.

Lisa said...

So glad we're all on the same page, here peeps. I know none of YOU would be the offenders I've spoken of. And reasonably chubby, guess what? I have big boobs, too! I know! Way more competition for Gerard than you once thought. Good luck and try again.

Anonymous said...

I don't UNDERSTAND why you bother to use other characters when you swear? Is He!! & He#$ cooler than HELL? -please

Lisa said...

You're so right, anonymous. It's kind of like polishing a turd, but it makes some people feel better when they read my offensive blog, so I do it for them. Not that they deserve it. :)

Garden of Egan said...

You seriously have me gagging! I mean really?
Leg hair and woman appointment all in one post?
Thanks for being such a giver.

I don't understand the showering before "that" exam. I mean seriously.
I KNOW how grusome that can be. I'm an ER nurse and NO ONE plans to come there so I get the "fresh" smells.

Holly said...

You can HAVE Tom... but I may want to arm wrestle for Gerard. ;p LOL!!

I CAN'T BELIEVE you're talking about ME in your BLOG like THAT!??? I THOUGHT we were FRIENDS!! ;p
OK people... NOT SERIOUS!! I think I just threw up in my MOUTH!! BLEH!!

Garden of Egan: WOW!! LUCKY YOU!! *BLEH* AGAIN!!

See Mom Smile said...

Yes, you are a giver if not a daily shaver. I carry lady powder around with me for that not so fresh feeling or emergency GYN appts. Because with the heat in Vegas I would have to shower ever hour stay daisy fresh. It's all in the powder baby.

Krista said...

Ugh. For that appointment, you skip brushing your teeth and you make time for showering. That's all there is to it. Lisa, I don't think you should talk to that person anymore. Not that we're being judgemental, but you just can't be around stinky people. Tom and Gerard will be so turned off.