Friday, July 23, 2010

NOSE BARKS

So get ready for a shocker.......husbands snore. I know! Here's a bag for you to breathe into. My particular husband gets rather vexed when I try to move him around for snort ceasing. I'm surprisingly tender about it, too. No, really, I am. Gosh, you never believe anything I embellish. But seriously? This time? Not even shizzing. I gently lift his arm, or tug on his pillow a bit to make his head roll the other way. Hardly ever do I have to resort to beach slapping or mud wrestling moves. However, husband reacts as if I've done just that, no matter how gently I treat his BOOMING LOUD and unconscious body parts.

It goes something like this~

Husband~"SNORE!"
Me~kindly pillow wiggle
Husband~"WHAT THE?! GEEZ! WHAT DID I DO?! WHY DID YOU SCREAM ME AWAKE?"

or this~

Husband~"SNARF!"
Me~moving his elbow to get him to roll over
Husband~"OWOWOWOWOWOUCH!!!!! THAT KILLS! YOU'RE KILLING ME! GEEEEEEEZZZZZZ......snore."

Totally not exaggerating...I leave that to him.

It kind of makes me wish I'd done something to merit that kind of response. Like when your mom says, "Oh, I'll GIVE you something to bawl about!"

The next morning, while searching for bruises and abrasions, he'll mention in passing some vague memory of being beaten with brass knuckles and a 2x4 in the middle of the night and when I tell him it was the soft pad of my index finger I used to tilt his head the other way, he's...surprised.

Now here's the twist~seems lately, PRINCESS LISA has been the snorehead offender! And she wakes herself up on regular occasion with nose barks that would make a congested pug-dog proud. Eyes darting in the pitch of the night, casting imaginary blame at shadows on the wall, while~now this is important~loudly clearing her throat, so that anybody who witnessed the racket will think, "Oh. Well then. She was fully aware of all that. She meant to."

Now obviously, this shouldn't be happening, because princesses don't snore. And I've sent a memo to the angels and Walt Disney, but until all things are rectified, let's just keep this between us, shall we, dear hearts? Because I've been known to point the finger of shame in Sterling's general direction every now and then, never noticing the digits aimed right back at me.

And I'd like to keep it that way, 'mm kay pumpkins?

'Mm kay.

Thanksomuchpreciatcha.







9 comments:

Krista said...

I was just telling my coworker that I was awakened by earth moving equipment before 7:00 AM only to realize it was my husband snoring. And then you write a post about snoring. My nose barks too, but never louder than my husband's. Part of the rules.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I'm having huge earth moving belly rolls reading the best story on SNORING/SNORTING husbands and princess' EVER here!

Snoring is just obnoxious isn't it!
Especially when its ALL NIGHT.
No matter who the offender may be.

Love your gentleness.

T said...

my poor daughter was asking IN ALL SERIOUSNESS just a few days ago whether or not princesses burped. or "tooted".

She was VERY concerned because she still wants to be a princess when she grows up and wasn't sure she could hold in all those burps and toots forever.

Kara Elmore said...

THE SOFT PAD OF YOUR INDEX FINGER!!! Ohh my #$%n I totally peed reading that part!!! And we both know I"m SUPPOSE to be planning my talk. But my outfit is planned - and that's all that matters. ANYWAY ....... I BELIEVE you my embellishing sister. Only because I have done the same thing. BARELY said "nateeeee" is a snake like whisper only to be THROWN off the bed by his lightening like jolt UP OFF THE BED thinking someone was MURDERING US in our SLEEP! "naaaaaaateeeee!" was the culprit.

So I say BEACH slap him and see how he reacts tonight! As for YOU ... keep clearing your throat. I believed you on that one, too! It's like when I drooled in Science class - but kicked my leg back and forth back and forth. It was on purpose ... because I WAS awake.

Natalie said...

I have to deal with both the snoring and the nose honking from your brother. He is constantly honking then clearing his throat as if he is in the middle of sacrament meeting. I have left gentleness years ago... I push, shove, call to him loudly.... after all I am the one who was so rudely woken buy his symphony of sounds. Good luck to you sis... we are all in this together. For the record, I am sure it was just some shadows in your room making all that racket.

Mimi Sue said...

I may be wrong but I'm pretty sure sleeping beauty snored. And drooled. Probably tooted too. The snoring thing with the bed partners only gets worse as they get older. One more thing to look forward to. You're welcome. Mimi

annie said...

I will believe that I snore when I hear an actual tape recording of it!

Anonymous said...

This will not be a problem for you children if you'll both take 1/2 of an ambien pill at bedtime. With that sleep inducing pill in your system you can sleep completely through 2 pees, as well as never hear one another snore. Ask your mother if it isn't so.

Holly said...

OMG!!! I'm catching up and you've got me in stitches and YOU are GONE to CAMP!! LOL!! I needed a good laugh!

Now just imagine my distress at the news that I have moderately severe sleep apnea. By the time you return from camp I will be donning a nightly mask to give the hubs my sexy Darth Vader winks and oxygen induced echoed breathing. I know I'm not nearly as cleverly descriptive as you, but I have faith that your imagination can visualize the scenario. *sigh* Yeah!! SO MUCH BETTER THAN NOSE BARKING... We shall see...