PAWS

So I'm on the phone with a friend the other morning, and Snotty Sassy comes limping in, with a catcher's mitt on her paw. And it's covered in fur.

"HELLS BELLS, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER PAW?" I toss the phone, and grab the cat. I thought she'd been in a fight, and then I saw the green band around her 'wrist.' An ELASTIC band, people. And we ALL know that elastic bands wrap themselves around kitty cat limbs...TWICE...when they argue. It was a kitty-cat paw ponytail.

"SETH!!! SEEEETTTTHHHHH!!!!!!" I whisper. Or maybe it was an hysterical scream. Whatever. He flew down the stairs looking about as deranged as my tone. "DID YOU PUT AN ELASTIC BAND AROUND SASSY'S PAW?!" I asked. (shrieked)

"NO. NO, I DON'T THINK I DID. OKAY, WAIT. MAYBE I DID. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY. PROBABLY, YES. OKAY, YES, I THINK SO. I THINK I DID! WHY? WHY?! IS SHE GOING TO DIE?!!! WHAT'S WRONG? I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH HER. I THOUGHT SHE COULD GET IT OFF!! WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DOOOOOO?!!!!!" He was wild eyed and psychotic looking, tormented with the possible harm he'd caused.

Now all children would do well to answer their mothers in this repentant and humble manner, as it softens a frozen heart just like butter under an armpit. It saved the boy's life.

We quickly cut the band off, and then my 'natural-man nurturing' took over. I stood there in stained nightgown, yesterday's mascara smeared up the side of my face, pointing and looking enormously credible, while I lovingly mentioned that, "SHE'LL PROBABLY LOSE HER PAW. IT'S MORE THAN LIKELY. IT'LL TURN BLACK AND PUTRID AND ROT FROM THE INSIDE OUT, OOZING PUSS AND SLOB, AND THEN SHE'LL BE A CRIPPLED CAT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, AND WON'T BE ABLE TO PROTECT HERSELF FROM PREDATORS...AND AAAALLLLLL BECAUSE YOU PUT A DA$% ELASTIC BAND ON HER PAW...AND YOU'RE MEAN. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN MEAN TO HER, AND YOU WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER FOR YOUR STEWARDSHIP OVER HER AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? HUH? HUH? WHAT? THAT YOU WERE PLAYING, AND HER PAW FELL OFF?! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT."

Yeah, no trauma there. I told Seth that he needed to seek forgiveness from his Heavenly Father.

That's funny, huh?....Can you say, PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF?! I would imagine something close to those very words being said to me, but regarding my thinking, feeling children rather than a ball of meowing fur.

"Hmmmmmm, says here you fling insults like dung, scream rather than teach and basically have been found "wanting" as a Mother in Zion. You're mean. You're just plain mean. Don't you realize that you are given stewardship over these spirits? What are you going to tell your Heavenly Father, huh? Huh? What? That you were rearing them and their paws fell off? Good luck with that."

And so, once again, I commit to do...and be better.

Because nothing seems more shameful than holding up a handful of little people paws when I stand before my Creator.

DIAMOND COWS

Ashy came home last night~just for a 15 minute visit! Sadly, I was the only one who saw him. I just hated to see him climb into his bright blue dune-buggy and drive back to Brazil. Dear sweet boy. Love him.

And speaking of love...twoo wuv...that bwessed awangement...that dweeam widdin a dweeam. (Princess Bride) GUESS WHAT MY LOVER HUSBAND GAVE TO ME FOR VALENTINES DAY?!!!

NEWER, FRESHER AND BIGGER DIAMONDS!!! That's right. Newer, fresher, bigger...because that's how many cows I am worth.

So let's discuss these diamond cows.

For those not familiar with the story, Johnny Lingo is a hot bodied Don Juan islander who fell in love with MAHANA...YOU UGLY...COME DOWN FROM THAT TREE!~a less than beautiful island girl. He had loved her from their childhood, but she'd been brought low by mean neighbors and a creepy dad~all with really BAAAAADDD wigs. (low budget movie) They thought her worthless and when BARE NAKED (except for a weensy little sarong~but I barely noticed this part, cuz I'm not gross) SMOKIN' JOHNNY WITH THE WAVY HAIR asked for her hand in marriage, they expected it would be payed for with only ONE diseased, skinny cow, as livestock was their form of currency.

While the islanders waited for the groom, the other brides all bragged of their own worth as four or five cow wives. Heifers=worth. BUT ALAS, when Lingo finally arrived, the BIG, BEAUTIFUL HEIFERS just kept coming and coming! EIGHT COWS! EIGHT COWS! Nobody have ever heard of such a thing! Then he whisked her away for months of lusty honeymoon lovin'.

When they returned, she had been transformed into a GLORIOUS ISLAND GIRL, complete with smiling capped teeth and a MUCH better wig! AND A FLOWER IN HER HAIR! Her father was FURIOUS, saying, "YOU CHEAT ME! YOU CHEAT ME! SHE WORTH TEN COWS!"

So do you see, friends? Do you SEE how cows/diamonds=worth=lusty honeymoon lovin'=flowers in hair=good wigs=my husband loves me abundantly and wants to give me lots and lots of (10) cows/diamonds in order to see what I will metamorphosis into?

Which means....I guess he's still waiting....

That first couple of diamonds evidently didn't give him quite the results he was looking for. And to be honest, I'm kind of disappointed in what he ended up with. Especially in the morning. Or anytime before noon. Or when I'm naked.

BUT, and this is important, folks, I AM willing to slather on some fake island tan, pull on a bad wig with a flower tucked behind an ear and wrap myself in a tropical print Moo-Moo. Now isn't THAT sayin' something? Yes, yes it is, friends. It says I earn my keep. And my cow diamonds.

So come hither, hubbie. THIS Moo-Moo Mahana is all yours! Lucky! (now if I could just get down out of this tree)

THRILL OF THE DRILL

So after my last busted and rotting tooth episode, husband felt like he was missing out on all the fun. "Where's MY busted and rotting tooth? Huh? What about ME? You ALWAYS have busted and rotting teeth and I never, ever, EVER get to. No fair! Plus, YOU always get to have your teeth drilled down to the nub and root, and I NEVER do. Goll. Hmmphhh." Arms folded across chest, head down and mumbling, with tentacle eyebrows sprouting out and over his glasses (Not sure why I mentioned that, as it really has nothing to do with this particular story. I just wanted it to be part of your visual, forever and ever, because I get to revel in it every day, forever and ever. And it's really too beautiful not to share. Therefore, my gift to you. No, thank YOU for sharing it with me. Enjoy.) as he kicks a rock down the street.

He had no idea his life was about to change. That soon...very soon...he, too, would feel the thrill of the drill.

So a couple of weeks ago, he goes to the dentist after having some old fillings break out and LO AND BEHOLD, THE MAN DOTH HAVE BUSTED AND ROTTING TEETH! Enter not one, but TWO, TWO, TWO CROWNS AT ONCE! And for this story, we're totally glossing over the cost associated. Some things are just too painful to relive.

Anyway, he has a double header. And he does it WITHOUT PAIN KILLER!!! HOLY HELL, PEOPLE! I KNOW!!! Remember MAN-SICK? ME TOO!!! And you know what? I are not dumb...I are smart. And Something...SOMETHING is amiss here. But that's also another story. This story is about what happened later that night.

He's really weirded out by the fact that he's not allowed to chew on one side, because of the two temp crowns. He mentions it to me, oh, I'd say 436 times in about an hour. Which is just soooooo...endearing. It's hard to emphasize enough JUST how endearing it is. Anyway, we go out to dinner with a couple of friends and we're chatting in the car when we drop them off. He offers us gum and we continue chatting.

You know that dream (nightmare) where your teeth crumble and fall out of your mouth, into your hands? Well, just like a Disney fairytale, some dreams really DO come true.

Husband is suddenly silent. At least on the outside.

On the inside, it went something like this..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH MYTEETHJUSTCAMEOFF!!! MYCROWNS,MYCROWNS,MYTEMPORARYCROWNSJUSTPULLEDOFF! ICAN'TBELIEVEIFORGOTNOTTOCHEWGUMONTHATSIDE! AAAGGGHHH! WHATDOIDO? WHATDOIDO? WHATDOIDONOW?!! SCREAM,SCREAM,FREAKOUT,SCREAM!" Something kind of like that.

Which got me to thinking~what exactly is the expiration date for body parts? I mean, how long are these enamel covered bones in our mouth good for? And how about other bits and pieces? Like a good friend just had a hysterectomy and I'm thinking, "Heeeeyyyyy. Wait a minute here. Why is it that we were made with stuff that has to be surgically removed? Shouldn't there be some sort of "dissolve after use" put into play? You know, the way baby teeth roots just disintegrate before adult horse teeth grow in? Shouldn't our uterus be that proficient?

And yes, I myself am experiencing some "unfortunate" effects of a disintegrating human body and you'd be proud of the grace and dignity I display. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANOTHER FREAKIN' PERIOD?!! I THINK IT'S CONSIDERED AN EXPLANATION POINT WHEN IT'S TWICE IN ONE MONTH! WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? AND WHAT'S THIS CRAP ABOUT PERIMENOPAUSAL? IS THAT EVEN A WORD?!" See? Grace, dignity, decorum. All synonyms for Lisa. Bless my elegant heart.

In conclusion, I'm angry. That's right, angry. That teeth rot out. That periods go rogue. That body's betray and can't be counted on for the long haul.

But hand me another fistful of cinnamon bears and a box of tampons and I'll handle it all with the grace and dignity you've become accustomed to witnessing in me.

%$#*@&*# perimenopause.

MORNING MUSK

ARE YOU FREAKIN' KIDDING ME?!! Seriously, angry slit eyes and lifted eyebrows worthy of botched plastic surgery are being sent through the Universe network to Hollywood and whoever gave a thumbs up to taking the two HOTTEST men in the Valentine's Day movie and making them LOVRRRRSSS! That's right. You heard me. BOY LOVRRRRSSSS for Valentine's Day. Can you say "pandering to politically correct agendas?"

Now there was other hetero-smut passing for love, too. Namely fornication, adultery and phone sex. But the thing that was just more than I could handle...that brought me to fling my head back, three snaps in a ZEE formation with righteous indignation and "Oh no you di-nt!" was the fact that EVERY SINGLE COUPLE...EVERY ONE OF THEM...KISSED~nay, MADE OUT PASSIONATELY when they had just. woken. up.

I KNOW!!!

And they close talked. With morning breath! Because as EVERYBODY KNOWS, nothin' says lovin' like MORNING MUSK AND EYE BOOGERS.

So reality check~have the writers/producers never been the recipient of little baby sweaters knit over their teeth during the night? Do they have no sense of smell...or how about a healthy gag reflex? Not to brag, but when we say our morning prayers, I turn my entire body in the opposite direction and cup my hand over my mouth, just so the sulfuric vapors have further to travel before they slam into the rest of the families faces. It's what I do...because I'm self aware...and I'm human.

Therefore, I pose this question~ Where was Adam's Eve when this movie was being made? Sound random? Well, here's the basis. Bitty Boo was remarking that Heavenly Father didn't let Adam get very far before he was put back to slumber and Eve was formed. Like maybe two steps and here comes "deeeeeeep sleeeeeeeeeep." Which makes sense, really. I mean, he'd started making and naming things like Armadillos...and Octopus...and Tarantulas. I know. Who does that? Adam~when he's alone~that's who.

Then Eve is brought into the garden and suddenly the sky is being painted blue, there's a roast in the oven and flowers are being christened Violet and Rose. Shoulder shrug. I'm just the messenger here, folks. Put the gun down.

So my point is, Eve has gone missing. And this is just me talking, but it might have something to do with open mouth kissing in the morning musk dawn.

I'd flee, too. Ew.

SACRIFICE

So, tell me friends, what exactly are the spells I need to cast, the buttons I need to push and the prayers I need to pray to make me like my daughter? What am I missing here? Is there a manual? Is there a potion? Is there a light at the end of this hellish tunnel filled with bats, spiders and flying monkeys?

The reason I ask is because I just got back from helping with reading groups in her class. And I "suggested" she blow her nose when she couldn't pronounce her consonants. I know. I know. I should be shot. Also, yes, my family has a seemingly inordinate snot supply.

Anyway, I made the suggestion and then I looked at her with motherly love, just kind of waiting for her to comply, (eternal optimist) but realized too late that she'd lit and lobbed flaming darts into my eyeballs and hair and channeled Rosemary's Baby, 360 head turn, pea-soup puking and accusing me in a DEEP demonic hiss of embarrassing her in front of all her friends. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS THE ONE DOING THE EMBARRASSING, NOT THE SCREAMING, STUPID NINE YEAR OLD GIRL WHO WOULDN'T SHUT UP FOR A GOOD, SOLID THREE MINUTES AND KEPT BLAMING AND SHOOTING THE BOOGER MESSENGER.

Soooo, in any case, I was just wondering...purely hypothetical...but is it possible that a human sacrifice might just be mandatory to appease the gods in charge of mother/daughter relationships? And........can the daughter be the sacrifice? And if so.......(fingers crossed) do you need to PROVE that it's truly a sacrifice before you can lay her on the altar? Bound. With duct tape. And only her nose exposed?

I'm just asking for a friend.

She wanted me to find out.

You don't know her.

FAVORITE

Sooo excited! My sister Nicki is coming to visit! (JOY DANCE) Which can only mean two things...SHOPPING AND EATING...(with scores of bathroom breaks in between as we're kind of incontinent, but whatever)...but even MORE importantly, these verbs are hitched to the best adjective in the world...GUILTLESS!

That's right, guiltless, because it's a bonding ritual that we've been commanded to perform on a regular basis in order to keep families together forever, and also to make sure the scriptural prophecies by Malachi come to pass. In Malachi 4:6 we read, "And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." Which can be a reference to geneology, but also, and much more LIKELY, is a reference to sisters and mothers~cheek to cheek, belly to belly~laughing, talking, shopping and eating all kinds of fat drenched deliciousness (crap.) And I know, if it hadn't been so difficult to carve onto those ancient plates, he'd have written all the rest of those words~trust me. Plus, and even MORE CRUCIAL~Do we REALLY want to be held responsible for a SMITING CURSE on the Earth? I don't think so.

So there you go.

Therefore, I've saved up my money and my calories, in order to be able to splurge while she's...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! OH. MY. HECK! I'm sorry! That was just TOO CRAZY to keep going with! Freakin' hysterical!!! Oh, my gosh! Aaaaaahhh! Sooooooooo funny! Oh, you guys know me too well. (tear wipe) There was no saving of any kind going on, people. NUUUUUUUNNNNNN at all. Oh my gosh, sorry, forgive me while I grab a tissue to blow my nose and wipe my eyes. Aaahhhhhh. I slay me! Just a sec, I need to compose myself. (throat clear and another tear wipe) OK. I think I can go on. (throat clear) Fine. OK. We're good.

Aaaaaaanyway...where were we? Oh yes~rewrite~I'll be doing some supplemental shopping. How 'bout that? That's more like it. And I'll think of you poor miserable, cold and cloudy February sweeties while I do it. It'll be like you're there with me, as you're in my heart, therefore it's almost like a gift I'm giving you. No, no~no need to thank me. Just thank my generous heart. (head tilt, heart pat) I think it has a secret crush on you. (ssshhhhh)

In conclusion, we have learned several things from this blog entry...1)Lisa is generous and selfless, and she's saving Earth from a curse. Greater good. 2)She is more spiritual than you, as she's able to quote scripture at will, in order to rationalize her decadence. And if Heavenly Father is on your side, you're golden. 3)Lisa is HIS (Heavenly Father's) favorite. He told her so. Just sayin'.

'Member~you're in my (making heart shape with hands in meaningful sign language) Kisses and Toodles!

SAPLINGS

We went to the Aquatic Center last night for Family Home Evening. "Yaaaaaayyyy! Everybody get ready! Get your suits on and finish up your beans so we can go! (hand claps) Hurry! Hurry! Hurry!....Why aren't you hurrying?......Why are you all looking at me like that?......Why is Jules the only one running up the stairs to get her suit on?........WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!!"

Yeah. I know. I had a momentary lapse in memory/reality. I forgot they're not 2,6,8 and 11, therefore, "SWIMMING FOR FHE" is no longer a reason for giddy laughter and pee-in-your-pants excitement. It's been replaced with, "Huh? Wait. Now....hold on. What? When did you decide this? Swimming? I...seriously? Like, do we ALL need to go? How about we have a church lesson instead? I don't want to get WET...Plus there's a bunch of pooh and loogies in the water. That's pretty sick."

And they were right. I was witness to the filthy nature of the cesspool, as I sat next to a mother with enormous swinging pendulum breasts, getting her herpes infected and diaperless children into their suits while they picked their noses with dirt encrusted fingernails. And ate it. But, hey, at least that's one less loogie in the pool. Glass half full, people.

And since nobody else would take on the assignment of getting in the actual H2O to keep their sister/daughter alive, (Jerks) I was forced to be the life-guard. And APPARENTLY...there are rules against being in the wading pool in a dress, cardigan and kitten heels. Some kind of "dress standard" that seems pretty damm discriminatory, if you ask me. (If it's spelled wrong, it can't be deemed offensive~just a reminder) Which means I was forced to display my "41 year old 'body-magnifying-glass' lycra." I rocked that wading pool, friends. PAPER, SCISSORS, ROCKED! And don't worry. They're young. Their little minds will forget. But I did notice that stretch fabric shirring doesn't necessarily carry the load it's designed to when it comes to camouflaging a flesh apron.

Which brings us to a nugget that formed in my less than fit brain~Two words, SPANX SUIT. I mean, really. REALLY. Is that SO HARD to construct? Let's get on top of things, designers. Time to ride that belly fat train!

Anyway, long story short, two of us swam, two of us lifted weights, one of us talked on the phone and one of us served a mission. All in all, not the MOST successful family togetherness night we've ever had.

And as I washed the....unsanitary....out of my hair later that night, I realized that another season has ended and a new one is just coming out of the winter freeze.

It's thaw time, people. THAT'S RIGHT, THAW TIME! Which means we get to eat the fruits of the seedlings we planted. The fruits of our labor, if you will. And I do believe that I planted and nurtured some mighty fine saplings.

And she looked around, and thaw that it was good. (I am so sorry~that was a very poor quality joke. It was made in Taiwan.)