Saturday, April 17, 2010

CHICLETS


Shower gift for Morgan~fun stuff for Summertime
Table runner, watering can, dishtowels~LOVE the fabric!


Is it SO wrong to eat six boxes of Chiclets...by your lonesome...in a half hour? I submit no.

Plus, it's not like I'm EATING them, because all you do is chomp, chew and suck out the flavor, then spit the left over gum wad into a giant pile of dead gum corpses on your used up newspaper. So you don't like, really, ABSORB the calories or anything. Unless you swallow it. I think that's written somewhere~the rules regarding chewing up Chiclets. Or I heard it on TV. Or I made it up. Whatever.

Anyway, I'm not going to feel guilty. Because I ate a bag of peas (and hamburger, fries, onion rings, 44 oz root beer) afterward. AND, I brushed my teeth. So it's all good.

Hey, by the way, did you know that when you go into the Dr.s office for what they refer to as a benign "CONSULTATION," that it translates in medical profession speak as, "Why don't you go ahead and weigh her again."

I KNOW! Crazy, idiot, medical professionals! Bless their hearts.

So I followed the nurse back, "Baaahh baaahhh." No idea that she's going to motion all nonchalant like at the scale and say, "Go ahead and step on here..." and she kept her head down, looked at her chart and acted like she didn't just ROCK. MY. OVERWEIGHT. WORLD!

So I kind of screamed, "Woooo. Hoe. Waaaaiiiitt...um...I just DID that two weeks ago!" I tried to keep my crazy eyes from taking the stage, but they insisted on performing an 'Interpretive Dance.' (Amberlee)

The nurse looked up, totally unconcerned~as any size 2 would be~and said, "Oh. Well, OK then. Let's get your blood pressure. Go ahead and have a seat."

Then she kept asking me questions, after she'd strapped the cuff to my arm! HOW INSANE IS THAT?! LIKE I COULD ANSWER HER! I had to hold up my "ssshhhh" finger and continue to breath in and out through my nose to try to calm down. I think my numbers alarmed her. But not HALF as much as the scales alarmed me. So we're even.

Anyway, just had to pass that trivia by you, cuz you're my BBFF's and I like to burden you with nonsense. Have a good day, peeps!



12 comments:

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

A whole bag of peas Lisa???
Whoo hoo... that's your veggies for the week isn't it?
I dropped a pound this morning, that's a whoo hoo for me as it's the first one in quite some time.
A whole bag of peas...really...? (frozen peas are kind of yummy).
I'll take your advice and get outside now to play in the garage with the spiders, got to get some sun for my "lisa glow".
Got my garage sale touring in this morning...mobs of thrifty buyers out there, too bad there wasn't much to buy.

kara Elmore said...

Six boxes is equivalent to like .. 4 pieces of REAL gum .. because EACH box only contains like 2.5 pieces. AND they're TEEENY - so it doesn't count. It's like consuming an entire thing of tic tacs. IT's like NOTHING!

kara Elmore said...

btw - Morgan may not appreciate the gift like I WOULD! Soooooo ..... let's give it to KARA as a pre-baby gift. YES??

yes.

Krista said...

I think those medical assistants are trained to keep a poker face when they weigh you. How bad would it be if they started giggling or shouted "Holy $#!+!" or something like that? They would then be a patient themselves if that was the case and it would be a worker's comp, too. Now if they would just say, "Oh, these scales are always off. We'll minus ten pounds for the clothes and shoes and hairspray and another 10 because you've had lunch. There, much more accurate."

Lisa said...

YEAH, KRISTA! YOU should be a nurse! I would love you and hug you and tell everyone how perfect you are! Plus, that would save a lot of women from getting cancer, since they wouldn't put off the visit because of the weigh in. If you ever get tired of your other career, you know what to do.

Brenda, yes. A whole bag of peas. They're snap peas and they're DELISH! And they undo fat grams and too many calories. Hope you had fun with your spiders and garage sales.

Boo, you're right. It's like NOTHING. Thank you for supporting my denial.

Neen said...

Hey Lis, just to make you feel better, Alissa found all her easter candy while cleaning out her room today. (I asked her a week ago if she had any left, cuss!) She bagged it all up because she doesn't like things like peanut m&m's and such. I proceeded to eat every last peice! I'm sure while you were munching down on your gum I was munching down on candy.... pretty sure that cancels each of us out. Member, member how that works! HA!

Fat, Female and Forty said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog about avoiding affairs. I know it's hard for hotties like us not to attract a lot of men. Good thing we're strong and married extremely hunk-a-licious men.

Anonymous said...

Stupid scales!!! Who invented it anyway?!?!?
AND funny ad posted on the side by the comment section....kinda looks like me!

BTW....what is this "benign consultation" Should I be concerned?

BTWW.....darling shower gift :) Anony

Mimi Sue said...

See, I told you so. Just say no to that scale. Saves you from getting high blood pressure medication. I think chiclets have minus calories. Think of all that exercise you're getting with the chewing and chomping. Mimi

Lisa said...

Thanks, Mimi, for the permission to just say no. I wish I'd done it with more grace and confidence that I was allowed to abstain. And the exercise associated with chiclets is EXACTLY WHY I choose to eat it.

Anony, no worries. It's just for my "procedure" on Tuesday. Having the ablation. Then I'll send over my recently acquired years' supply of tampons for YOU, since I'll no longer require them! Oh, wait. I'll keep them for Jules. Anyway, just ridding myself of Mother Nature's progressively more annoying gift.

Neen, cancelled out. Totally. Thanks for takin' one for the team.

Krista, how's the head? Still attached?

Pearl said...

Ummm...I just read your post on my blog and I'm so STOKED to have a long lost sister I never knew about! And it's great to finally have a name for the disease I have (noassatall). WHO KNEW!

Anyway, sorry for my fellow nurse trying to crush your self esteem. We have a sick way of getting pleasure off of other peoples suffering. What can I say? I get pure joy seeing a grown man faint at the sight of needles. BWAAAHAHAHA (that's my evil laugh).

Chiclets don't count. There isn't any calories in them at all *wink wink* and the peas balanced out hamburger, fries and onion rings, so you're good!

See Mom Smile said...

I had to stand on scale today at the gyn. office. I think I heard it scream. Love the shower gift!!! Ummm I am having a shower for myself just because I want to. Because I think every woman should have one every 5 years or so, not just when you get married or have a baby. Why should they have all the fun? Anywho.... I am having a shower and you are invited because you give pretty gifts.