Thursday, April 8, 2010

MAGGOTS

~The pretty stuff from St. George~


So did I mention that I have an "alarming" Vitamin D deficiency? Yup. Dr. told me. So much so, in fact, that they called in a prescription to be filled immediately and I have to have another check on my numbers in a few weeks. And here are the symptoms of said deficiency~lethargy, depression, fatigue, muscle aches and pains...etc. Which is pretty much the disease called January through May.

Now here are the side effects of the supplement~lethargy, depression, fatigue, muscle aches and pains...oh, and one other...con-sti-pa-tion. So basically, you trade in one batch of crappo symptoms for the identical batch of crappo side effects, and it's a wash. Except for that last highly desirable one.

Also, my sister, Nicki, just facebooked me to scream that she had to order bi-focals, as lately, we've both had this condition that we refer to as "wormy vision" or "maggot eyeballs." See, after focusing on something close for a few minutes, and then averting our gaze to out there, we noticed squirmo wormo lines all over the out there vicinity. Kind of like baby maggots. Thus, our condition. Anyway, she decided to fix it, without realizing the fix would entail "SERIOUSLY? IS THIS REALLY NECESSARY?!" glasses. I myself have picked out a nice pair of rose colored shades called denial, and will embrace my nightcrawler world for as long as I need to, in order to keep that reading glasses chain from choking the youth out of me.

Anyway, this growing old is for the birds. And not just any bird, but food grubbing scavengers. Or Sesame Street Bert's favorite~portly, perching, pooping pigeons. That's right. I'd give the curse of growing old to a pigeon any day, because they're a stinkin' thorn in our side right now. We have a batch of welfare recipients who've taken over our colonial pillars and invite their Hippie Ding Dong pigeon friends to "come crash at my pad." They're squatters. Squatters as in they've taken up residence, and squatters as in they squat over the edge of the pillars and take a daily dribbling dump onto the porch area below. We kind of hate them.

We've tried to sour the milk, as in we put blocks of wood on top of their ledge. Did you know pigeons can perch on one leg, teeter on a half inch platform and fall asleep? Well, they can. So then we got a plastic owl to frighten them. Did you know that pigeons consider plastic owls a toilet, too? Well, they do. Then we got our neighbors giant bird catching net and tried MULTIPLE times to sneak up and ensnare it. Did you know pigeons can sense giant bird catching nets being wielded by angry, less-than-graceful husbands, and all they have to do is flap a wing and they suddenly rise into the air and out of reach? Well, it's true.

Anyway, pretty much we've decided to kill them.

But now that I think about it, maybe the wiser thing to do is to curse them with the old age hex, and watch them self destruct. Just imagine how much better for us it would be if they became near AND far sighted, constipated and fatigued! Throw in a batch of Vitamin D deficiency and they'll get so depressed and achy, they'll waste away their days whining, rubbing their necks, and patting around their bird-bodies for their "readers."

"I swear, I just set those stupid things down, and somebody...SOMEBODY KEEPS MOVING MY STUFF! If people would just leave my stuff where I put my stuff, then I wouldn't have to WASTE AWAY MY WHOLE PIGEON LIFE LOOKING FOR WHERE SOMEBODY KEEPS PUTTING MY STUFF." (shuffle, neck rub and darting pigeon eyes)

I think we're onto something here folks. Scientists and Black Magic Hexers, start looking into that, will you? In the meantime, I'll go take my pills...now where did I leave that bottle? SOMEBODY put it away somewhere. Have to SAVE ME FROM MYSELF...if I'd WANTED my pills put AWAY, I'd have DONE IT...people always puttin' my stuff places I don't WANT my stuff.......(shuffle, neck rub and darting maggot eyeballs...)


13 comments:

Kay said...

I don't have pillars OR pigeons, but somebody keeps moving MY stuff, too!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Lisa...this is just too funny, I am coming back again today just to laugh out loud again, do the belly jiggle/giggle...love the shoes!

Cindy Geilmann said...

Thank you for the laugh Lisa. You are such a doll. Get you shit together will ya, and come see me.

Love Cindy@stitches

kara elmore said...

yada yada yada ... snort laugh pee ....

VITAMIN D DEFICIENCY?????

ok - let's REVERT back to what we "non-doctors" like to call COMMON FREAKIN' SENSE and say GET SOME SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!! not a FREAKIN' PILL! Don't shove ANOTHER thing in my body for me to take, OK DOCTORS?? Because VITAMIN D Deficiency is a LACK OF .... (look up into that BRIGHT LIGHT!) SUNSHINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

idiots.

Go to St. George again. That will solve it all. And while you're gone I'll kill the pigeon (because I'm skilled like that) AND I'll single handedly make some bi-focals! And they'll be PRETTY and sparkly - and won't sit on your face. I'll embed them somewhere. Somewhere where the VIT D DEF. DON'T SHINE! :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

looks like Cindy is not messing around with you Lisa!

Linda said...

Yes growing old sucks. But those awesome shoes should make up for it. Come to Vegas and get some Vit D in our sunshine and let me borrow your shoes....k?

Lisa said...

Brenda, I know! Who knew Cindy was a cusser?! Wow. Little bit proud of her~not gonna lie.
Linda, that must be why you're so delightful...all that Vegas Vitamin D coursing through your bod. Jealous.
Boo~come kill them, will you? And we'll bury them in your in-law's basement when you move. Something to remember you by. :)
Kay, sorry about that stuff moving. I think it might be like Toy Story, where when we walk out of the room, it comes to life.

Krista said...

I'm not sure if some one keeps moving my stuff or if I just keep forgetting where I left it. That's the other sucky thing about getting older. But so far I still have 20/20 vision. The doc said i just need a bigger TV.

Neen said...

Hey, I had to do the whole Vit.D suppliments too! I'm still working on it. I never had the constipation with the suppliment. Should be good.
It's easier said than done getting sun when you live in Utah. Not to mention who in the cuss wants melanoma?? Or wrinkles for that matter!

Ster said...

Love "What the cuss" I need some cussin bi-focals just so I can read my medicine!

Krystal said...

Growing old really does suck, doesn't it?

Hey, I have a SEVERE (doctor's word) Vit. D deficiency, too, along with a SEVERE (again, doctor's word, and he said it in caps, too) Vit. B12 deficiency; yeah baby! Maybe we should form a club.

I can relate to the eye problems as well, and I, too, have donned my super adorable rosy denial shades. They're much more attractive than the alternative.

Mimi Sue said...

You girls just need to embrace all of your deficiencies! I keep trying to tell you it gets way worse in your 50's. I wish I was back in the almost perfect and yet deficient 40's! Do not get the glasses until you absolutely have to. You won't be able to see your wrinkles or pigeon poop, it's great! Mimi

Sarah loves it all said...

You are hilarious! I was just browsing through your last few posts. I love that you confessed your addiction to rabbit poop ice. I have a short list of restaurants that carry that sort of thing and try to visit them as often as possible. I also noticed that we both live in Utah, and we both contribute to MMB!