Thursday, April 15, 2010

YOUTHFUL ESSENCE

FYI~My very first micro-dermabrasion today. Crystal warned me it would hurt. Crystal told me it would sting. Crystal said to be prepared to have my toes curl. Just like her name, Crystal is brilliant. She had me set up for "AAAGGHHHH!!!! I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I WISH I WERE A MAN!" But alas, twas not the case. Slight discomfort. Surely not so troublesome as a vaginal wand. In the end, I actually thanked her.

I thought of it as a tiny old lady gunky skin debris vacuum. And as we all know, you can scrub your entire home, from top to bottom, but without the final vacuum tracks, it's as if you haven't lifted a finger. Might just as well have been blogging all freakin' day long. Not that I've ever done that, but probably you have. (condescending head tilt and face scrunch) So this hundred dollar vacuuming was very, very, VERY NECESSARY, DEAR. ABOUT AS NECESSARY AS YOUR LAST MOTORCYCLE ACCESSORY.

So now here's your assignment, friends. When you see me over the course of the next several weeks, I expect a hearty, "OOOOOHHHH, LIIIIISSSAAAA...YOU ARE POSITIVELY GLOWING. IN FACT, SO YOUTHFUL ART THOU, THAT I FULLY EXPECT TO SEE A CRACK UP THE MIDDLE OF YOUR FACE, BECAUSE YOUR COUNTENANCE SO CLOSELY RESEMBLES A BABY'S RUMP!"

Is that so hard? That's all I ask, people. The truth. Plain and simple....and exaggerated beyond recognition.

Back to necessary, I've been introduced by my face pimp, Jill, an addictive product pusher, to a new ware named "Skincerity." It's this mask stuff that you put on at night and it basically seals in your skin juices. Two things~it's dreadfully expensive and yet, enormously vital to my baby bum face. Makes zits go away. Makes pores go away. Makes money go away. But I think the rule is~ two outweighs one, right? Greater good, people. Always remember that noble decree.

So I'll let you know how this goes. Or better yet, why don't YOU let me know how this goes. If you see me and I SCREAM YOUTHFUL ESSENCE, then we'll know it's worth the price.

"YOUTHFUL ESSENCE, YOUTHFUL ESSENCE, YOUTHFUL ESSENCE!" She screamed!

And can I just say, I never, ever, EVERRRRRR thought I'd be throwing this much cash into the Fountain of Youth. I used to just toss a dirty penny and a wish every now and then. But lately, hell, I might as well chuck in credit cards without limit and let the waters wash away my life savings.

But as long as I go out looking like the way I came in, it's worth it? Right?

(Ding dong)

Don't answer that.




9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I had a visit to Crystal this morning too!!! However, I opted for the less expensive eyebrow tint/wax. Next time you see me, I better hear the words "holy moly, are those caterpillars above your eyes?" You know, one day those caterpillars will turn into beautiful butterflies and fly off my face and then I'll have to pencil them in! YOUTHFUL ESSENCE!!! Anony

KyAnn said...

I use Skincerity too. I LOVE it!

Pearl said...

Wishing I HAD money to throw into the fountain of YOUTHFUL ESSENCE! My children, ever so lovingly, pointed out the wrinkles under my eyes the other day. Thanks a lot you ungrateful rug rats! These wrinkles are from YOU!

ok, done ranting. Thanks for the funny post. I may have to try that. maybe...just maybe :)

Lisa said...

Caterpillars DO become beautiful butterflies! Can't wait to see yours take flight, Anony! (Had mine done today, too. See how freakin' high maintenance I've become?) And thanks for the YOUTHFUL ESSENCE shoutout. :)

KyAnn, I love it, too! That's going to be a problem.

Pearl, so nice to have you along. I forgot to mention in my post to you that I also have an issue with "sneeze/pee" being almost redundant. :)

Mimi Sue said...

It may be too late for YOUTHFUL ESSENCE for me. How about middle aged essence? Sadly my eyebrows have flown away. What's with that? I wish they'd taken a few pounds with them. Sad but true. Mimi

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

You always have a glow Lisa, I noticed it the last time you came in with your mother your faces were glowing...
I'd rather take my beauty in pill form...my credit card is ready...any takers?
I've been practicing my "ohhhhhhhhhhh lisssssssssssaaaaaa'S
Promise you'll love it!

Lisa said...

Yeah, Mimi. Stupid eyebrows. That's why I have to keep having them dyed. They don't really need to wax, as I can just as easily pluck out the three stray hairs that have grown to a full 1/1,000,000 inch. Somehow, though, they've found their way down to my chin.

What kind of pill, Brenda? And that "Oh Lisa" sounds WONDERFUL! You're hired!

Krista said...

I was wondering how I missed this one. This is the day I had a headache from Hell, skipped school that night, went to bed after a handful of narcotics, and missed work on Friday. But anyway - I wanna know how your skin treatment worked. I may need to have some.

See Mom Smile said...

I can't wait to meet you at CBC and tell you your face looks like a baby bum. As long as a foul smell does not come out of your baby bum crack, we'll get a long just fine.