Wednesday, April 21, 2010

THIN LINE

Cute second son is running for Jr. Pres~
Vintage Coca-Cola posters with his face photoshopped in...


Hey, pals! Okay then. I'm done with bed and Lortab and stinkin' up the joint with my sweaty head. Actually had a dream that I was hugging people and I smelled sour~ew~so I woke up sheepish and ran straight to the shower. Wouldn't want those imaginary dream people to judge me, you know.

Speaking of clean, I have to come clean on something. Some of you dear peeps have "assumed" that I was speaking of a more serious procedure~akin to the ripping out of innards that I spoke of wanting to do on my own. I hang and swing my head in shame.

Though I've loved the sympathy and phone calls and blog comments and candy and decorating magazines and love notes and offers of dinners being brought in, I find it necessary to put up a hand to halt! I AM UNDESERVING, FRIENDS! Kind of red faced to say the only thing I had done was a burning and inserting. Of which only one was actually successful. Dammitalltohell. So SAVE THOSE TENDER MERCIES FOR NICE, because eventually they'll have to go back in and do RIGHT what they should have DONE RIGHT in the first place. And then I'll enjoy your lovely meal and earnest faces. But for now, I'm not nearly so sick as you thunk me to be.

And though not completely triumphant, all was not lost, as I learned a couple of things. After coming out of my very first anesthesia stupor, and thinking (being the operative word here) how INCREDIBLY STUPID THE WOMAN ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CURTAIN SOUNDS! OH MY GOSH! SLUR, SLUR, SLURRRRRRING HER WORDS! I KNOW I DON'T SOUND THAT STUPID! Also, being ASTONISHED that it was all over JUST. LIKE. THAT! And I didn't remember a THING after them saying you'll feel the effects soon, and I had started to feel the effects in my NOSE, and so I POINTED AT MY NOSE TO SHOW THEM WHERE I WAS FEELING THE EFFECTS, then suddenly, HERE I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROOM AND IT'S OVER! THAT IS JUST STINKIN' FREAKIN' AMAZING! I CAN ONLY HOPE I DIDN'T LET LOOSE WITH A STINKER WHILE I WAS UNDER! And I thought these same thoughts over and over, for a good five minutes or so.......well, the thing I LEARNED about coming out of anesthesia is that there is a TEEEEENY, TIIIIIINY, WHISPER THIN FINE LINE BETWEEN WHAT YOU'RE THINKING AND WHAT YOU'RE ACTUALLY SAYING OUT LOUD! In FACT, that line is sooooooo fine, that often times, they're one and the same.

Another thing I learned is that nobody really needs to, or wants to, or should know how many people they called in to gather round your...open knees...to see what they could do about getting one of those things to insert. Apparently, it was like feeding a "wet spaghetti noodle into a needle's eye" (Dr.'s words) and they called in extra hands with different vantage points to try to shove that pasta through. Also, did you know they can inject Novocaine into your fallopian tubes? Makes them relax~just like a hot bubble bath. Anyway, plenty of observers-turned-active-participants during my unconscious plight. Thereby making it impossible for me to look anybody in the eye, in the whole clinic, as they might have different memories of our...interaction...than I had.

So that's where we stand. The burning and the learning went well, the thinking and speaking were indistinguishable, and the participants many and varied.

In retrospect, maybe I need one last Lortab for the road. Help to knock out a memory or two that I sincerely feel I can do without.












10 comments:

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

gee Lisa sometimes your just hard to understand. Your going to have to be more CLEAR if you want us PEEPS to know your entire life.

Lisa said...

I know, Brenda. I was intentionally vague, hoping for gobs of undeserved sympathy. Then I felt bad. So I repented.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

lol!!! I just don't know you well enough then do I?
So glad for REPENTANCE! Your going to need it.

LOVE YOUR SON...that is the coolest thing ever!

Talk about an ATTENTION GETTER! Hope he wins!
Love your photos every now and then, very good.

See Mom Smile said...

Okay so you still have your womb and it got burned all to hell and then countless people tried to get a wet spaghetti noodle in your fallopian tubles. Got it. Maybe. Now I need a Loritab.

Krista said...

Yeah, so now you have the most famous goods in town - you should have charged admission! When I gave birth to Ali the used the "vacuum extraction" to help her out and since it was an uncommon procedure they had a class come in and watch. By then you feel like you're a piece of meat at the butcher, so what the heck! So from one fine steak to another - they look at us all day long. Yep. You'll be forgotten. Unless you said some great things coming off anesthesia, in that case you might be remembered for years!

kara elmore said...

wait ... are you telling me that OTHERS dropped by - and my phone calls and praying from CLEAR OVER HERE were somehow NOT GOOD ENOUGH? Because SOMEONE ELSE brought you FOOD and MAGAZINES? Who is this person? Who OUTDID ME??????????????????????

ps - glad you're better. Will you entertain me?

Lisa said...

LINDA, YES! YES! See? You get me. And that's exactly the way I would have put things, if my head weren't still so foggy from the Lortab. Krista, I like the steak analogy. Good one.

Pearl said...

I had to laugh at your post. Being a nurse and taking care of patients who are fresh out of surgery is often the HIGHLIGHT of my job because of the hilarious things people say over and over and OVER again. Glad you are ok. :)

Mimi Sue said...

After I had to have an emergency C section (many, many years ago), I told my husband to get me a knife because I wanted to kill him. The nurse said I didn't really mean it but she was wrong, I really did mean it at the time. So see you're not the only one. Also any little procedure should be worth A LOT of sympathy and at least one casserole. Milk it girl! Mimi

Miss Breeze said...

Oh my gosh!!! I couldn't help but laugh out loud in a room where I am all by myself reading that post. Especially about the "hoping you didn't let lose a stinker" --- I think I'd be so self conscious of that if I couldn't control my bodily functions... heck I'm not impaired now, and I have a hard time. But luckily the hard times are let lose while at home behind closed doors. hehe..

This post was great and hopefully you are "FIXED" soon. There may or may not have been a pun intended there. You can decide. ♥