Friday, April 2, 2010

MEANT TO SAY

I thought you might be interested in how I answered some of the questions my Dr. asked me.

"Is your blood pressure always that high?"
"Nooooo. Hm mm. Nope."

What I MEANT to say was, "Oh. my. holy. roast. Are you freakin' kidding me? You make me wait over two months for this appointment and another hour in the waiting room, to get the anxiety juices EXPLODING through my veins. The pager flashes and buzzes, scaring the bejebus out of me. You walk me back here, have me pee in a cup, weigh myself in front of TWO other nurses, with the new HIGHLY ACCURATE electric scale that ALSO MEASURES BODY FAT PERCENTAGE~THAT'S RIGHT, BODY FAT PERCENTAGE~and you LEAVE MY EXTREMELY HIGH SCORE (not a basketball game, people...not PROUD of this high score) SCREAMING IN DIGITAL NEON TO DELIGHT EVERY PASSER-BY! Then you seat me, stab and squeeze the hell out of my finger and strap a cuff to my arm that turns into a tourniquet, where I can feel the resounding thud of my pulse while I contemplate the stirrup ride that is waiting for me in the next room. Had I walked off the plane and into this women's center, from a tour of duty in Afghanistan, with the machine gun still strapped to my back and enemy blood splattered on my face, my heart still couldn't slam any harder into my chest than it is right now.

"Are you drinking any caffeine?"
(long pause) "Um. Not a lot."

What I MEANT to say was, "Yes. Yes, I am. And it's medicinal...much like California marijuana. And if you think for even a split second that you're taking THAT away from me, you are UP IN THE NIGHT! You can have my Dr. Pepper and Diet Coke (with lime~that's important) when you pry them out of my cold, dead hands!" (thank you, Charlton Heston)

"Have you had a mammogram?"
"No, not yet."

What I MEANT to say was, "I know you told me to do this last time. And I was disobedient. And I feel badly about that now...mostly because I got caught. And because my dear neighbor has breast cancer and she's about my age, so apparently I'm not immortal. But mostly because I got caught."

"Do you do self breast exams?"
"Mm hmm."

What I MEANT to say was, "I did them for a good, strong month after the last exam. Just like I flossed my teeth for the month after my last cleaning, where they scraped the gunk off, what felt like, my soul. I am a slothful, daft, fair weather lump checker/teeth flosser. And I'm sorry."

One last comment~
"Your 'lining' is a mess, dear."
"Wow. Is it?"

What I MEANT to say was, "Really? Why, thank you. Because I have sooooo much control over my uterine lining."


Anyway, good times. Good times.
What I MEANT to say was, "Hated it. Every single second. But I'm a woman and I'll be fine."











7 comments:

kara Elmore said...

oh. ok. I like this. "I meant to say" stuff. I'm going to apply it to EVERYTHING now. Kind of like when you preface "she's very bitchy" with ... well - BLESS HER HEART. Everyone KNOWS you meant well - and you don't REALLY think the person IS a b**** .. because you said BLESS HER HEART.

So now - I can answer ANY question ANY way I like, just so as I can afterward to you ... "what I MEANT to say." I LOVE THIS! It's like freedom! OHH LET IT RING!!!

Q: Does it bother you when I copy your words - they're just SO funny?
A: NOooo -it's flattering.
REAL ANSWER of what I meant to say: You Stupid S*** - get your own brain and your own words. I have worked REALLY hard at them - and you "copying' them isn't flattery .. it's rude.

There - I was pretending I was you and how I would answer if someone said that. LOVE YOU! have a great time in warmer weather.

Linda said...

We are strong women. We can do hard things. Oh wait, what I meant to say was you are freaking awesome and go get a mammogram. Then get a Coke at Target. Now please get that uterine lining cleaned up before I see you at CBC!

Lisa said...

LAUGHING at both Kara and Linda. We ARE freakin' awesome. And I WILL get a mammogram...and a Coke with lime...and while I'm AT Target, there will be some reward shopping going on. The uterine lining will be a clean sweep after the "procedure." YAY! See? I AM obedient, after all. :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

You just hang on to that Diet coke with lime...no matter what! You get warmer weather...it cant be in this state.
Have a fun Easter and will be looking to hearing about it through "Lisas" brain.

JAMAL said...

Oh, Lisa. Bless your heart.

kara Elmore said...

You have no ice in your house.

oops - what I MEANT to say was that Dad and Nate broke into your house last night getting ice for our Easter Dinner - that you are NEVER ALLOWED TO MISS AGAIN! ... anyway. YOu have turned off your ice maker. hmmm. that's rude.

Erica Borrowman said...

lol...sayin', again, what we're all thinkin'. That visit is just the most fun I have all year. Yeah. Fun. Loved this one, Lis. :)