Friday, May 14, 2010

FERMENTING FLORA



My Mother's Day flowers are dead. Stinky, wilting and heads hanging in exhaustion. I don't know what to tell them. Thank you, maybe? Thank you for giving me the best days of your life, standing upright and flourishing for a full 72 hours, in order that I might dress you in my best white porcelain pitcher and display you on the front entry table, for all the world (neighborhood kids) to admire and covet?

Well done, thou good and faithful flowers. Well done.

Funny how quickly the fragrance of "rose" turns to "fart," though. Last night, I was on the couch and kept smelling a rotten batch of linger longer~some people think that's the term for a social gathering. It's not. It's a pile of warm pooh air that won't dismantle quickly. Often, they're orphans. Nobody claims responsibility. People find them and don't know what to do with them, so they abandon them in grocery store aisles...kind of like a stray cat. I myself might have been known to drop off one or two of my own there. Not proud of it, people. But it is what it is. And more often than not, they find a home with an unsuspecting shopper that happens to walk past, dragging it like a screaming child through the rest of the store with them. So grateful for people willing to take them in.

Anyway, where was I?

Oh, yeah. I thought it belonged to my son, but alas, he was waaaaay in the kitchen and surely it would have lost some pungency traveling the distance. Then I considered it could have been Princess Lisa. Her memory isn't what it used to be, and she's been known to point the finger of shame, only to find her majesty the only one in the house. Far as I could recall, it wasn't me either...this time.

It wasn't until this morning that I wafted past the dying flora and caught a quick whiff of flatulence. Just proves that looks can be deceiving.

Just ask little Ethan Stacy. He thought his Mom was his Mom~committed to love, protect and give up her own life if needs be, in order that she might save his. Turns out she wasn't...and she didn't. Like I said, looks can be deceiving.

And maybe that smell this morning wasn't from the fermenting bouquet, but rather because I was walking past the newspaper with the front page picture of the rotten, decayed soul that called himself step father to the child. A step father wielding a hammer and black garbage bag.

Mm hmm. Yes. I do believe THAT is what I inhaled.

And that is all I'll say about this subject. Wouldn't want to sound like I'm judging "IT."

Bless it's steaming pile of excrement heart.

(FYI~there seems to be a dim-bulb "anonymous" that has no sense of humor and he/she keeps leaving incredibly mediocre comments, thus, I'm forced to moderate the comment section. Thanks a lot, anonymous, for spoiling it for the rest of us.)











16 comments:

Cindy Geilmann said...

I ENJOYED YOU STORY, ESPECIALLY THE FIRST OF IT.

COME VISIT
CINDY@STITCHES

Ster said...

Freaking funny, I will leave you a linger-longer when you least expect it!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Stinkin' funny Lisa, it makes me want to run right outside and take of picture of my fermenting flora and see if there is room for competition as you see I had that same flatulence smell yesterday...wondered if someone gave us a dog or cat without our knowing. Out to the porch shelf they went only to blend in with cow pooh smell.

cow pooh smell and fermenting flora do well together. Unlike the Creeps on the news right now who called themselves parents. THAT REALLY STINKS!
you got me laughing so hard, glad no one was around to hear.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
annie said...

TMI? What? Whatever anonymous!
This is why I never get flowers, they die and stink.
My heart still breaks for little Ethan - watch, that mom will be out before too long and making more children with more losers.

Lisa said...

Anonymous, I'm not sure who you are, but I think you're lost. You meant to visit another blog, I'm sure. You'll need to put a block on this site, so as not to mistakenly come back again. If you DO accidentally end up here, please keep your comments to yourself.

Annie, Brenda, Ster, Cindy and all the rest of you who are invited, LOVE flows freely from me to thee.

Mimi Sue said...

I think just exactly enough information. Thank you. So so so sad about little Ethan. Mimi

The Martos Fudge said...

Girl. My flowers come from walmart every Tuesday. When I go grocery shopping... Husband still has not gotten the memo. I LOVE FLOWERS... especially $2.50 ones that are already half dead. But they last and make me happy for a few days. I love
your humor.

Kay said...

The news smelled all the way down here, too. The only thing I can think positive about the story is that Little Ethan will never have to see either of them again, and no one will ever touch him again except tenderly.

Lisa said...

Amen to all my peeps. Amen, I say.

Pearl said...

Umm...THANKS FOR MAKING ME CRY! First, from laughing hysterically at the linger longers! When I was a kid, my dad would take me to the store and say, "watch this". He would then let one loose and quickly hide around the corner waiting for an unsuspecting victim. We would watch and then laugh as we watched the victim walk into the deadly trap. Good times, good times.
Secondly for reminding me of the sad story of Little Ethan. I imagine that God had to have sent Angels to watch over him as he was treated so horribly. I know the Lord is merciful, but not to those who injure the innocent....so may his mother and step father ROT IN HELL!

Jackie said...

This is such a good story! THanks for sharing.
I found you over at MMB and will be back! I love your blog!

The Damsel In Dis Dress said...

Wandered over from MMB. Glad there's no pooh air here. Because ew.

I'll be back...

Krista said...

Hello Dahling! We need to chat about CBC! I have some flowers from Mother's Day, too. I didn't think that was the stink! I've been blaming the sink full of dishes and the garbage that still needs to go out. Criminy! I've been yelling at my family for nothing! It could be the vase full of pond scum!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Ah dang, I missed the anonymous comment?

I had to laugh, my husband hates getting me flowers because they die so fast!

As for the newpaper? Amen sisa! Amen.

Christy said...

Lisa, I love your blog. You definately have a talent for storytelling. this post made me laugh and cry. What a perfect way to deal with such a stinky issue! Tell me you are a writer-I would definitely read your book if it was anything like this post! I've heard about Mormon Mommy blogs now I need to check it out. So nice to meet you at the rendezvous!

www.dearestdreams.com