Tuesday, May 11, 2010

MAY

Today is supposed to be my friends' daughters' outside wedding. And it's May. In Utah. Which could choose to be any number of things, but NEVER accommodating. May has a pretty name, and therefore, people tend to think highly of her~that surely, with a name like THAT, she can't help but BE what she SOUNDS LIKE. But then again, strippers have pretty names, too...Bambi, Angel, Princess...and we all know the apple falls far from that pole.

I myself am sitting here excited to attend the outdoor track meet that is in a few hours. The metal bleachers on a slight tilt to throw your back out. The cold, whipping winds that blow rain sideways into your ear canals. The linger...loiter...kill time for hours...no, SERIOUSLY, HOURS, for an event to be called, which lasts roughly 5 minutes. Then no scores post. Then you go home.

So worth it.

We did have some fun one year though, with eldest son. It was when the sun had warmed the day, as it was closer to June. The boy had a rough day at school and I wanted to help comfort him, so I took him out to lunch for a couple of bacon cheeseburgers. You know, to settle his stomach as they're known to do.

So I kind of forgot he had a track meet later on. Oh well. Whatever. He had one of the first events and he was running the mile. And he took it seriously, as he's a strong runner. So run, run, run, five minute mile and second place. Something like that. YAY, YAY, CHEER, CHEER. He climbed into the truck for the half hour ride home with husband, and as I'm talking to Sterling on the cell phone, I hear screaming! So I scream back, "WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?! WHAT IS IT?! A WRECK? WHAT? WHAT!"

"YOUR SON JUST PUKED ALL OVER THE TRUCK! OH MY HELL, IT'S EVERYWHERE! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING, ASH? SERIOUSLY? WHY DIDN'T YOU ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN? A WATER BOTTLE? WHAT THE?! THAT TINY...? YOU REALLY THOUGHT YOU COULD CATCH ALL THAT CHEESEBURGER PUKE IN A WATER BOTTLE? OH MY H...I'VE GOT TO GO. I'LL CALL YOU BACK."

So to clarify, as runners are known to do, they get pukey after so much exertion in running a race and when he started to feel ill, get this, he DIDN'T WANT TO ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW, AS IT WOULD GET VOMIT ON THE OUTSIDE OF THE TRUCK DOOR...bless his barfing heart, so instead, grabbed a water bottle and tried to throw up INSIDE of it. Using the one inch opening for his 5 inch, gaping, spewing orifice. But he used his hands as a kind of "connector" to funnel the fluids into the bottle. Needless to say, it was like putting a thumb over a lawn hose on full blast, spraying fermenting bacon cheeseburger chunks over the ENTIRE CAB...and the inhabitants therein.

And it baked into them...aaaaaalllll the way home.



We sold the truck.



Hope you didn't buy it. :)








11 comments:

See Mom Smile said...

Oh my puke! I do not miss track meets. So glad my son quit in the middle of his first season. Yea, I encourage quitting if there is nothing in it for me.

Erica Borrowman said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! Oh my, that was very funny. Picturing your huge-hearted son trying to get his vomit into that tiny little opening. Kind of gross, actually, but seasoned mothers get that it's also funny. WAY AFTER it has happened, of course. (or happened to someone else). :)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Oh... tee hee heee... Ha Ha Ha!!!!!
Sorry, but my husband is SOOOO ainal about his truck, I can only imagine what this would do to him. Awesome.

Pearl said...

Grossness! That's why I carry gallon sized zip lock bags everywhere! Not only are they handy for puke episodes (which happen frequently in our vehicle) but they are great for storing pee soaked clothes, poo stained undies and other clothing items with bodily fluids on them. I have small children remember?

kara elmore said...

haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!! That is SO great!!! I can totally SEE him funneling it into the itttttty biiiiiiiity opening. There. That oughta do it! Reminds me of when I was flying home to St. Louis after quite a traumatic flight. I was wearing a dress - and the 45 min drive home was NOT helping my stomach. So out the stomach contents came ... into my skirt/turned bucket. I totally threw that dress away. Hope YOU didn't take it out of the trash because it was stewart plaid.

Krista said...

Oh.....ew.....I hate puke! I held the bucket for Mimi once and I was nearly joining her. I think you can write cars off if someone puked in them. Aren't you glad it happened with Sterling? Then you didn't have to clean it up. I think that whole running thing is totally bad for you if it makes you suffer so much. What a waste of a perfectly good bacon cheeseburger!

Kay said...

I had an Arby sandwich an hour ago, and after reading this, I'm starting to feel a little queasy myself :o)

Miss Breeze said...

Oh my heck!! That is one of the funniest puke stories I've ever heard. And by the way we didn't buy it. And I'm just curious why you said you were selling it?? lol....

Lisa said...

Miss Breeze, I don't think there's necessarily any reason that we needed to disclose the why. Don't ask~don't tell, you know?

Erica, I could laugh right away, since I didn't have to clean it up. And I made sure I wasn't there to smell them when they came dripping in.

Boo, no, I didn't save it from the garbage, but I might have, if I'd known about it. Stewart Plaid should not be tossed...cookies or in the garbage.

Krista said...

Lisa - I tagged you on my blog. Looking forward to your answers!

annie said...

Oh My Gosh - I am laughing my head off - only because I know exactly what that is like!
Thanks for stopping by my blog - and just so you know, I fully support profanity!