Tuesday, May 18, 2010

RUNS SMALL

Want to know how to tell when you're in denial? Like when it's SOOOOO OOOOOVERRR that you can only pray that you still have time, energy and a big enough shovel to dig yourself out of the muddy sludge hole you're lying high centered and face down in the bottom of? Here's how you know~when these words come flying like monkeys in Oz out of your mouth...

"Well. These must run small."

Mm hmmm. That's right.

These must run small.

Because they don't, friends.

They don't run small.

They do, in fact, run average.

And the recall that they didn't run small last year when you (me) bought and wore them every other day should be a big, fat abdomened tip off. Also, the fact that your other (stupid skinny) friend doesn't like to order from that catalogue because she says they run big, well, that should be a shaving cream pie to your double chinned face.

And the reason these...things...run small is because YOU (me) run big, because YOU (me) won't RUN AT ALL.

So the lesson we (me) learn here is that clearly, one cannot rest on their weight loss laurels for long. So like if you (me) lost some weight two years ago, but took one of those two years "off," whether for good behavior or simple lazy-assity (that's a word)~and, in fact, forget (refuse) to put new batteries in the scales~well, let's just say you're going to find an awful lot of things that run small...including but not limited to vintage yellow gingham dresses, seats on an airplane and self respect.

So the next time I pass by you, and you hear screaming, you'll know it's coming from my buttons as their little fastener arms are pulled slowly out of their sockets while they clutch at the two sides of fabric they're meant to hold together. And feel free to feel sorry for them, but be ready to duck should one come popping and flying like a piece of shrapnel at your eye.

Course, it's not my fault.

That shirt runs small.



That's why I buy shoes.


13 comments:

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Shoes are so forgiving. And I love them.
But I do have one serious problem. My second toes is longer than my first.
DO you know what kind of trouble that causes me?? Huh! Huh! Do ya?
All those dang cute peep toe shoes look insanely stupid on me as my second toe tends to try and squeeze its way out, hiding my big toes from view.
Oh the horror!

Krista said...

Yes, ma'am, I have some lovely size 8 clothes that I wore just one and one half years ago. Somehow, my whole body swelled up and I can no longer fit those cute clothes. Butt, does it really matter in the end?

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Okay Krista, I HAVE to ask, did you use the word "Butt" on purpose?
If so, it makes the rest of the sentence that much funnier.
Because funnier is a real word.

Pearl said...

You crack me up! I have the same problem as Serene, stupid 2nd toe. My toes actually are so long, they could be considered fingers!

Lisa said...

Guess what I figured out? The REASON our second toe is now longer, is from years of wearing squinching pointy toed heels. It shoved our big toe over, making it all lopsided and hideous, whilst accentuating the tall, thinness of our second toe. It's all our fault. Stupid crap.

annie said...

summer is coming and I have this problem too - I am trying to decide if I really care.

Sherry said...

Amen and A.Men.

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

don't RUN AT ALL...that's right...how did you know? My buttons always missing?

Torture sometimes getting dressed...shoes don't make me as happy as they do you.

OF COURSE krista meant BUTT!

Kelly and Sara said...

I am having the same problem, wish I liked to run! We are your newest follower, follow us at:

http://peace-love-tbell.blogspot.com/

The Damsel In Dis Dress said...

Vintage yellow gingham dresses run tiny, (not just small. Dagnabbit.

Mimi Sue said...

I believe it has something to do with my washing machine. Sometimes I put things in there and when they come out they've shrunk up a size or two. Perhaps you have the same stupid machine?? Shoes and don't forget bags don't go in the washing machine. So there's the proof. Mimi

Kelly and Sara said...

Hey, just answering your message. I was just looking around for some fun new blogs, so looking at blogs other people recommend and comments and stuff. Hope you have a great rest of your week and thanks for following :)

See Mom Smile said...

Me and my sisters all bought matching mu'u mu'us for a girls trip awhile back. The best thing about them was the tag. It said "one size fits most". So I just look for that size now.