Monday, June 7, 2010


I just read about a girl who is changing her diet and going to the gym, in order that she might GAIN weight. Mm hmm. Gain. She figures she needs to take care of that embarrassingly high metabolism before it becomes a really big problem. So here's some free advice, darlin'. Don't you worry your skinny little jeans 'bout that. Time has a way of taking care of these things, without any help from the victim. I mean recipient.

It's called babes.

Babes that you carry in a stretched out flesh sack that turns your nose enlarged and bulbous and makes your hair fall out in clumps. Babes that suckle the marrow from your bones as well as the collagen from your lips. Babes that leave your metabolism groaning in the gutter alongside your swimsuit and eyelashes, grabbing Johnny's hand as he pulls her out of the corner, so they can Dirty Dance together on stage.

Man, that movie rocks. And yes, I can mash potato.

Course, not that I'd know, but rumor has it that you can achieve the very. same. results. with a steady diet of Dr. Pepper and licorice. In case you're afraid of commitment. But I'm not.

Anyway, back to movies. My male babes were recently given permission to watch Schindler's List. Surprising how nudity is so much less intriguing to a teenage boy when it has to do with concentration camps and gas chambers. They were disturbed, to put it mildly, and I'm glad. The perfect beginning to a carefree, lazy Summer.

Segue into Summer, and I've got some big plans, peeps. Parties to plan, camps to attend, gardens to sow and roses to cut. And can I just say that Heavenly Father was on a CREATIVE SKYSCRAPER when he invented the scent of Rose? Seriously. Somebody should bottle that. Oh, they have? Well, okay then.

Anyway, I'm off to splash on some Eu de Red Roses and figure out square foot gardening. If the Bumbles come swarming, I'll let you know by screaming loudly.


Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention that babes suck the life out of your boobs too, leaving you with mosquito bites and poison dart nips. Just thought I'd do my part and remind you of that. ;)

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I would have to go for more of the description that moves along the lines of deflated balloons that make Victoria Secret a life necessity.
Just sayin'.

Kelly and Sara said...

Ugh if only I had to gain weight instead of needing to get rid of WAY too much

kara Elmore said...

I think Pearl's description of "poison DART NIPS!" is BRILLIANT!!! I am SOOOO using that one!!!!!!!!!!! Who ever said "sheesh - I stopped nursing and my boobs got BIGGER ... is a LIAR! Or they got a boob job - OR they were part of the WOOD FAMILY that got THAT gene - and not me. jerks. jerks nicki and lisa.

Meet Virginia said...

Hmmm I can't say I know what you are experiencing since I am still refusing the kid situation and none of these comments are helping ;) jk!! Your blog is too funny!


Meet Virginia!
Meet Virginia!!
Meet Virginia!!!

reasonably chubby said...

Ahhhh. Summer and movies and candy and Diet Dr. Pepper. I love it! :)

T said...

man - now if they could only figure out a way to transfer weight... I've got a few spare pounds I can share with all those poor underweight souls, but only because I'm giving like that.

Ster said...

Sure you can MASH POTATO, but can you DRIVE TRUCK or even BURN DITCH???

Garden of Egan said...

I don't even like to look at the poor shrunken parts that used to be all perky and stuff.
Ya, babes did in the boobs.

Krista said...

I thought I left a message - I didn't or you deleted it. You know how inappropriate I can be. I remember coming home from work one day and picked up my 9 month old baby and my friends shrieks in horror (or humor) "Oh my gosh, Krista, you look like Dolly Parton." Yep, from B to DDD in no time. Not fair.