Wednesday, June 23, 2010

FATTY HEART

Second son had his wisdom teeth taken out today. When they told me what time, I ignored them, because I knew they were just making stuff up. Here's some news~Did you know there are TWO 4:00's? ONE of them has an A. M. after it! And I only know this because my alarm went SCREAM SHRIEK BUZZING in my brain canal, at that A.M. one this morning. My adrenaline only stopped pumping like the pistons on the Titanic about an hour ago. Speaking of high blood pressure...

Husband has taken out a life policy on me...without my consent. Now some of you may be thinking, "Heeeeeyyyyy...that sounds suspiciously like maybe he's going to kill you in your sleep and be the subject of a Dateline episode." And yes, maybe that should be my worry...but it's not. I have much LARGER CONCERNS, PEOPLE! On account of MY LARGE GIRTH WILL BE THE SUBJECT ON THE EXAM TABLE.

Pumpkin pie couldn't figure out why I broke into sobs after his passing remark of, "Oh, by the way, the nurse is coming over some time this week to do your physical for the life insurance policy. When would be a good time and I'll call her?"

I know. He can't help it. He just doesn't savvy.

I tried to explain how my self worth is tied up in my crappy blood pressure and body bulk. I did this by suggesting maybe he could "take his...appendage...lay it across an ice cold steel exam table, have the nurse MEASURE girth and length, and then rate his value accordingly."

That helped. A little bit.

Still...apples and oranges, folks.

I'll let you know if I go through with it. And if I end up in the arms of Jesus, you'll know the anxiety was too much for my sweet little fatty heart.

Either that, or Sterling murdered me in my sleep.

Either way, you can't have my stuff.







11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh.My.Heck.!!!
Still laughing over "appendage" remark!

And yes.....I will be getting some of your stuff!

Anony :)

Holly said...

OMG!!! Lisa! YOU are a RIOT!! So should I be concerned that hubby got me a SURPRISE 2 months after we were MARRIED??? A PLOT!! Yep! He's REAL ROMANTIC that way!! I had to do the life insurance thing to. I did survive and HE had to pay a higher premium for MY GIRTH... *sigh* Yeah...

Oh, and THANKS!! Your appendage comment reminded me, they want me to go do a mammogram... GRRRRRrrrr....!!! Now that MAY be an interesting post dripping with sarcasm.

(((HUGS)))

Cluttered Brain said...

Oh, poo. I wanted to keep your blog alive in your death. And steal all those great heels you have.

You foxy mama you!
Oh how I love you!
You will probably be the ONLY person to comment on my Laws of Illusion review, nobody clicks on CD reviews anymore. It's like it is a lost art. People want giveaways.

*sigh*
It's not like I am made out of money or something.
I think I need to organize a blogger meet up in St. George some time. You wanna drive to St. George for a mini vacation?
Come on, it's be fun.
Please?
It will be good for your heart.

Cluttered Brain said...

What size shoe do you wear anyway?
:))

Cluttered Brain said...

Are you on twitter yet? Why the heck not?

And if you are, What's your handle?

Kara Elmore said...

You SAY I can't have your stuff ... HOWEVER - I know the code to your garage, I know where ALL your decorations are ... and those boys will know NO different when I haul them off in the night. Or in the middle of the day - all while you lay "sleeping".

Amy said...

I just want a pair of blue shoes to remember you by. However, since you will live through it, I say may the force be with you. :)

T said...

I dieted like a CRAZY woman (seriously) when the nurse was scheduled to come over to our house... TOTALLY got under my idea weight goal (VERY temporarily) and still got dinged for something so I didn't get the "ideal" coverage... I decided that next time I'm going to just eat my gallon of ice cream per day and tell her to suck it up.

would rather have your funny posts than your shoes (or other belongings) any day - hope you make it through!!! :)

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Lisa this is some serious stuff here.

Sterling a wise man. I keep telling mine to get insurance on me cause I might just drop dead one day...didn't even phase him. He knows I won't pass THAT TEST! He saw how hard I worked to pass the Real estate test and that didn't include CHOCOLATE & CUPCAKES.

Lots of "Lisa things" coveting going on here...can't blame them. I found a stock of those clear plastic vintage high heels...YOU MUST PRY THE LOCATION OUT OF ME THOUGH! Chocolate will do. Good chocolate that is.

Rhonda Stoker said...

You are hilarious!!!! I went to bed in a bad mood, read a little blue and shoe and I just can't remember why I was in a bad mood!!!! I just love ya!!!

Garden of Egan said...

Oh my hell! I can't read you when I'm at work! I start laughing and sometimes in the ER laughter is really inappropriate...if you know what I mean.

I hope your girth survives it and I love you to death!