Wednesday, June 2, 2010

MAD SKILLS

Hey friends. First things first, notice the weather? Hear those birdie songs and see the contrast between sky and cement? (For those of you outside the bi-polar state of Utah, just nod your heads and say 'yes'.) Well, you can thank me.

See, I decided to be a giver last night and plead your case to Heavenly Father. I told him you were on your last pic-line of serotonin. That you were about to build a Tower of Babel and come up there to talk to Him yourself. I told Him that, even though you were wicked and corrupt, that you were now death bed repentant and promised to throw up on your Wedding Day/First Day on the new job/In front of television crews/While at the gym working out...if He would just please, please, pleeeeeeease give you a taste of this thing called Spring.

And let it linger on your tongue.

And let it last longer than a bowel movement.

So look out your windows and say Thank You...to both of us.

You're welcome.

On another topic~the other day, I was at the Blogger Conference, and pointed out to Linda that I had received my period zits just in time to meet people I'll never see again, but who have seen my profile pic, and therefore, will always think of me as the woman with the photo shopped face. Anyway, pointed out my boils, and Linda said, "I thought you were through with all that." I assured her I was.

And then guess what?

'Member that procedure I had several weeks ago? The pasta that wouldn't thread? The many spectators gathered round my open knees? The tampon parade and the "NO MORE" blog? And who could forget the MULTIPLE WEIGH INS, BODY FAT PERCENTAGES AND DANGEROUSLY HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE BLINKING ON THE DIGITAL SCREENS? 'Member all that?

Didn't take.

That's right. Didn't. dammit. take.

Guess I was one of those "rare percentages" in that a BURNING and SEARING OF THE ENTIRE UTERINE LINING was just a little hicca-burp. My Scarlet O'Hara womb considered it a challenge and made a fancy green dress out of those singed curtains.

And I guess I should be proud that I have such will and determination, but it seems my body/psyche only responds in REBELLION. Never in alliance.

So what have we learned here today, folks? First, Lisa is generous and has power over the heavens. Second, she is also RARE, and can most likely regrow any appendage and/or guts she has removed, as she has WICKED MAD HEALING (and numchuck) SKILLS. And last and most frightening, you will need to prepare to vomit in public, as that was part of the deal.

Enjoy that spring time air, peeps! And once again, you're welcome.




17 comments:

kara Elmore said...

What I got out of this post ....

1) you must've thrown up on your wedding day
2) you must've barfed on your first day on the job
3) you must've FAINTED at the gym.

yes. you did. tell us THAT story blogger girl!

One Cluttered Brain said...

oh my.
I'd thank you for the nice WARM weather, but I have been experiencing warm weather for months now.
I love in Nevada.

hahahahahahha!!!!!!!!!


Oh. I didn't notice your period zits, i did notice how beautiful you are and how put together you are.

Wow.
I almost felt like I was in the presence of Blogger royalty.
We SO need out more at the NEXT blogger conference.
You with me?
You, Lisa, (gotta say your name so I can remember.) AND Krista.

We'll show ALL those bloggers what we are made of.
Right?

Zits, fat and all.

Oh the fat is mine, but hopefully NOT for long!!!! :)

McClendon said...

Was all this praying Utah-specific? My wandering mind was wondering where all the prayers for spring in my behalf may have been. This would have been when all the moaning, groaning, and depression were going on. Huh? Huh?

Jackie said...

Longer than a bowel movement. I love you!

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Wait, you had zits? Totally missed that one.

And thank you for spring. Even though I don't live in Utah. Thank you.

Wish I had you wicked mad healing skills! I'm still dragging from the weekend!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Thank you for Spring Princess Lisa, I basked in it while driving down the road this morning now that I have 2 sun roofs, wind blowing through hair, listening.....No singing to "Lady willpower" by Gary Puckett and Be true to your school...got to love spring and the last week of school! The mothers are out in hoards shopping by themselves, can't blame them.

About the rest...we'll all bring dinner for a month if you'll decease those insides of yours. Won't we peeps? It IS REBELLION...pure REBELLION...your blood runs with IT.

Love your REBELLION every day, love it!

KyAnn (like Cayenne Pepper, only HOTTER) said...

Mine didn't take either... So I hada hysterectomy. Best thing EVER!!!

Lisa said...

Alexes, you're trying to win, aren't you? So many flattering words...and me, ready to receive them all.

Brenda, I thought you were going to say "Lady Gaga". Thank you for not. I would have never looked at you the same again.

KyAnn, I think that's where I'm heading.

Boo, I did NOT puke on my wedding day...I just promised Heavenly Father I would if he kept me from puking on that date. And He did, but He was kind enough not to hold me to it. Never puked on the job, either. Only passed out at the gym. Now YOU, on the other hand, have MANY puking instances. Go ahead and share. :)

See Mom Smile said...

Yes you have a stubborn utereus that gave and gave and gave. It wants to continue to give. Can it be faulted for that?

Krista said...

My bowel movements are pretty quick, actually. Since you asked and I'm looking for the Immodium as we speak. And I even said the "Please Lord, don't let me poop my pants" prayer in Wal-mart today. You know, I didn't notice any zits on you either and I was with you for a long time - I did notice your cute green-ness and that other color the other day. And the shoes that gave you a headache, but worth it. My verification word is Lorty! How funny! Dodging another lightening bolt.

Pearl said...

Lisa, thanks for the warm weather. I loved it today. And I knew there was something special about you, albeit weird. Appendage and gut growing? Why aren't you a nurse or a doctor? We could use special powers like that.

Holly said...

Oh MY!! LOL!! So bipolar ISN'T MY state-of-MIND... It's the STATE I LIVE IN... Thank you for the clarification. And I'll have to tell hubby so he can start reading my mind... I tend to change topics frequently without noticing and he gets confused... He asks me WHAT I'm talking about... I tell him to READ MY MIND like other husbands do... *sigh* HE SAYS "It's TOO CLUTTERED in THERE!!!" GAH!!! But CLEARLY YOU can read my mind... the PROOF is in the post... You WERE talking to ME, I could TELL!! ;p So yes, THANK you for a touch of SPRING!! =D

OneClutteredBrain: Imagine the joke on ME when I was pointing out to him YOUR BLOG NAME as proof that I wasn't the ONLY ONE!! (He's been telling me this FOREVER...) (((HUGS)))

Garden of Egan said...

You did NOT have period zits!
What I noticed about you was the awesome dancing skillz with your numchucks in Cameron Rafati concert! You are one HAWT dancing machine!
I can't believe how funny you are. Seriously. You should package that!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

When you sell packages of Lisa Wholesale...just let me know FIRST!!!

Anonymous said...

I spent the morning/afternoon at Temple Square at a wedding yesterday and it was BEAUTIFUL! Love was in the air! Thanks for those prayers! But I believe you have forgotten to pray this morning....the sky and the cement match again!Anony :)

Sarah loves it all said...

Thank you from the bottom of my angry Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have been dying for good weather. I wish I would have met you at the conference! You seem so fun! Thanks for all the nice things you said on my blog.

reasonably chubby said...

Hahaha! Oh, Heavenly Lisa you is sooooo cwazy! By the way, I've heard many women say the the 'uterine burn' didn't work for them either. Wish I would've known you BEFORE you went through all that pain 'cause I could've clued you in. I'm sure you would have listened to me. :)