Tuesday, June 8, 2010

SLOW-MO HIPPO

Whew.

That. was. close.

I almost was a boy scout sexual predator. ALMOST. But fortunately, I took the vital and obligatory online Boy Scout Safety training course, filled with awkward living room scenario discussions and intimidating quiz at completion, and, well, crisis averted.

A swift and abrupt desist in my pervert tendencies. And it's a good thing, because holding the official position of SCOUT UNIFORM SPECIALIST, there was a very real threat every time I interacted with a nubile, young buck.


So last night, I was cutting me a big ol' pile of rose lovelies, when my foot fell like Alice in Wonderland into a rabbit hole (sprinkler downspout) and guess who went flailing and falling like a slow-mo hippo? That would be me...Princess Lisa. And I don't know about you, but when me hears the words "falling princess," ME sees in me mind's eye, something more akin to a fair maiden in white lace and chiffon, tresses upswept with wild flowers and ribbon woven throughout, baby tendrils spilling down over ivory cheeks...and putting the back of her hand to her forehead, the fall is more of a swoon, as she faints into the arms of a muscular, handsome prince who just happens to be riding by on his stallion and sees the vision of loveliness and is drawn to her beauty as a moth to the flame. He catches her teeny, tiny body~by her 18 inch waist~effortlessly lifts and carries her in his arms through the rest of the forest, only to have her awaken as he emerges from the woods, a shaft of warm light resting upon her splendorous features, and casting a shadow where her Snuffleupugus eyelashes flutter and sweep.

Something like that...not that I've given it much thought.

Anyway, that would be the expectation from someone named Princess Lisa~even if the title was bestowed on me by me. Still, there should be a certain amount of Aurora embroiled in her grace and beauty.

But you should know better by now, because often times, Princess Lisa is obstinate and rebellious and will. not. conform. She is a poor, poor, POOR EXCUSE FOR ROYALTY peeps, and you would do well NOT to use her as an example to your daughters, or read them any bedtime stories about her.

This will only bring sorrow as one day, you might be gazing out your own window and watch that same daughter do a slow motion hippo stumble and crumble, abdomen spilling out from the top of her capris and profanities spilling out from her thin lips.

Don't say I didn't warn you.










9 comments:

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

Oh Lisa...that is just the funniest about your stumble. I will keep THIS story in my thoughts today while out working in the driveway on vintage pieces AND stepping on the grass AND planting some much needed annuals.

As I would surely be the SLO-MO-HIPPO and break an arm, sprain an ankle or break a hip.
Thanks for the words of warning, take a few advil today.

Pearl said...

Ouch! Where was said stud when this stumble happened? And why wasn't he riding his trusty steed and drawn to your beauty just in time to rescue you when this horrible incident happened?

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

I'm still digging the snuffleupugus eyelashes. You should start your own make-up brand. It would be awesome.
And where was your prince charming, one needs to ask?
Real live, breathing men are never around when you need them. :D

T said...

you are almost as uncoordinated as my husbands thinks I am... let's not go there today :)

I've suffered through that training video - glad you watched it before you accidentally assaulted anyone by correcting the way they have attached their insignia!

One Cluttered Brain said...

I'm sorry you fell..OUCH! i'm glad you didn't break anything.:)

You sound like me without a lot sleep.LOL.

Amy said...

I love you. Seriously. Profanities, thin lips and all.

P.S. rabbit poop ice?!

kara Elmore said...

In reference to your boy scout thingy ma-bob ... indian s*****.

You know of which I speak.

Krista said...

You swore? First question: Did anyone see it happen because if they didn't, then it really did not happen. Kinda like the tree falling in the forest, if no one is around to hear it does it make a noise? You are not a hippo - you are BEEE-YOOO-TIFUL!

See Mom Smile said...

Yes I took a similar test for Cubscouts. But every time they mentioned "2 deep" leadership I giggled. Me and my dirty mind...