Friday, October 16, 2009


So husband and children are going to the Sand Dunes with our neighbors. Once again, I've declined the invitation. I spend enough time cleaning nooks and crevices in my home. I don't want to have to sift sand through my own fanny cranny. (And by the way, Maren, I know you relish the opportunity to make me look bad. I think there's a special place in Hell for you.)

Plus, my husband KNEW what I was when he married me.

Now I, on the other hand, DID NOT know what he was. He lied. Something he admits to now.

When we were first dating, he sent me this incredibly romantic tape (cassette~shut up) that asked me out for a date of...and I quote..."A candlelight dinner, followed by an old black and white movie, or maybe 'Somewhere In Time'..." I swooned~dropped in a dead faint right there in the living room. My parents doused me in water and grinned at each other. They knew.

Somehow~I can't recall why (made out instead)~we never did end up watching the movie. But deep down, I knew that he truly loved old black and whites. We were so in aware of the true nature of each other's souls. Love does that, you know. (I just threw up a little bit.)

Anyway, long story short, the moment the ceremony was over, he gazed deeply into my eyes, held my hand and leaned over lovingly to whisper in my ear..."I really do emit stinky gas~on VERY frequent occasions, I will start growing weird patches of hair in unpredictable places on my body and I only watch Arnold and Bruce." Then he pulled away to discern my reaction.

And much like our entire Honeymoon, I kept the smile frozen on my face. was totally sincere and real~totally. Why wouldn't it have been? You're weird.

Anyway, I'm not going to the dunes. It's payback time, babe. Enjoy the grit. :)


Kara Elmore said...

OH MY GOSH ..... I SERIOUSLY believe this to be your BEST POST EVER! Every single solitary comment. I'm going to throw up now. And grow some odd hair in neat places. And then I'm going to smile while stupid things are said to me from MY love that NEVER went pee in the same house I was in. I believed him to be perfect in every way. And I believe it was YOU who laughed and scorned when I said aloud these words: "Nate and I are different. We love each other too much to fight."

Insert kackling laughter.

Go on boys - dig that dirt out. Idiots.

Anonymous said...

Lisa, You make me laugh BUT I am just following the 'Family: A Proclamation to the World' where it says to participate in "wholesome, recreational activities" as a FAMILY and trying to set the EXAMPLE for you my friend. I sure love ya....Maren

p.s. if there is "a special place in H E double hockey sticks" for me, well I hope there is Dr. Pepper there as well.

pps..I can't even spell that word that describes where Satan is....that's how spiritual I am :)

Lisa said...

Oh, anonymous, you slay me! Soooooo spirachal, and yet, a heathen for drinking Dr. P.

Keeps you here for a while longer, though. I'd miss you if you were translated, you know. :)