"HELLS BELLS, WHAT'S HAPPENED TO HER PAW?" I toss the phone, and grab the cat. I thought she'd been in a fight, and then I saw the green band around her 'wrist.' An ELASTIC band, people. And we ALL know that elastic bands wrap themselves around kitty cat limbs...TWICE...when they argue. It was a kitty-cat paw ponytail.
"SETH!!! SEEEETTTTHHHHH!!!!!!" I whisper. Or maybe it was an hysterical scream. Whatever. He flew down the stairs looking about as deranged as my tone. "DID YOU PUT AN ELASTIC BAND AROUND SASSY'S PAW?!" I asked. (shrieked)
"NO. NO, I DON'T THINK I DID. OKAY, WAIT. MAYBE I DID. I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY. PROBABLY, YES. OKAY, YES, I THINK SO. I THINK I DID! WHY? WHY?! IS SHE GOING TO DIE?!!! WHAT'S WRONG? I WAS JUST PLAYING WITH HER. I THOUGHT SHE COULD GET IT OFF!! WHAT HAPPENED? WHAT DID I DOOOOOO?!!!!!" He was wild eyed and psychotic looking, tormented with the possible harm he'd caused.
Now all children would do well to answer their mothers in this repentant and humble manner, as it softens a frozen heart just like butter under an armpit. It saved the boy's life.
We quickly cut the band off, and then my 'natural-man nurturing' took over. I stood there in stained nightgown, yesterday's mascara smeared up the side of my face, pointing and looking enormously credible, while I lovingly mentioned that, "SHE'LL PROBABLY LOSE HER PAW. IT'S MORE THAN LIKELY. IT'LL TURN BLACK AND PUTRID AND ROT FROM THE INSIDE OUT, OOZING PUSS AND SLOB, AND THEN SHE'LL BE A CRIPPLED CAT FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE, AND WON'T BE ABLE TO PROTECT HERSELF FROM PREDATORS...AND AAAALLLLLL BECAUSE YOU PUT A DA$% ELASTIC BAND ON HER PAW...AND YOU'RE MEAN. YOU'RE JUST PLAIN MEAN TO HER, AND YOU WILL BE HELD ACCOUNTABLE TO YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER FOR YOUR STEWARDSHIP OVER HER AND WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SAY? HUH? HUH? WHAT? THAT YOU WERE PLAYING, AND HER PAW FELL OFF?! GOOD LUCK WITH THAT."
Yeah, no trauma there. I told Seth that he needed to seek forgiveness from his Heavenly Father.
That's funny, huh?....Can you say, PHYSICIAN, HEAL THYSELF?! I would imagine something close to those very words being said to me, but regarding my thinking, feeling children rather than a ball of meowing fur.
"Hmmmmmm, says here you fling insults like dung, scream rather than teach and basically have been found "wanting" as a Mother in Zion. You're mean. You're just plain mean. Don't you realize that you are given stewardship over these spirits? What are you going to tell your Heavenly Father, huh? Huh? What? That you were rearing them and their paws fell off? Good luck with that."
And so, once again, I commit to do...and be better.
Because nothing seems more shameful than holding up a handful of little people paws when I stand before my Creator.