Friday, October 9, 2009


I walked half a block, carrying Taz (this will be important later) to her waiting crib and laid her down. It's official, folks. I cannot have any more children. It's gone~the critical component necessary to continue seeding and spawning is gone.

"What?" you ask. "You're missing a womb?"

No, no I have a womb. It's stretched and sagging and could easily house triplets in it's present state.

"Like patience, then?"

Well, of course I don't have patience. As far as I know, that was never a prerequisite for having children in the first place, or there would be at least four less in the world.

"Then what, Lisa? What could it be?!"

I'll tell you, friends. Mother's arms.

That's right, mother's arms...and legs...and back...and hips...but mostly arms. Those limbs that allow young mothers to hold a 30 pound baby carrier with a 20 pound child in one arm, a purse and a 30 pound toddler in the crook of the other arm, grocery bags tucked under her chin while kicking along a forsaken tricycle and shoving a car door shut with a hip.

Arms that "ustacould" throw a kid over a shoulder like a sack of potatoes and steer a mountain bike with a flat tire all the way home. Arms that "ustacould" carry an exhausted Halloween cow home when he collapsed in a heap halfway through Trick-or-treating.

But "ustacould" is over, friends. It's over. I've been betrayed by my own biceps. My own middle aged, turkey gobbler, crepey skinned biceps. May they rest in peace.

And sweaters.

And all manner of generously cut sleeves.



Kara Elmore said...

Now .... I KNOW that this post was suppose to make me laugh. But ... SOMEHOW it made me cry. Thinking of TAZ being carried down the street. Thinking of YOU carrying her, loving her, rocking her. And then transferring that sad feeling to imagining you carrying your own halloween cow over your shoulder. Imagining you w/ little teenies.


Somehow sad. But laughed too. After I cried. Love you. Taz loves you. Fluffy Head and Scout love you, too. Fall times will never be the same without you.


Lisa said...

What'd you have to go and ruin everything for?! I told Sterling there would be NO crying today. None! Nada!

And then you have to talk about my own Halloween cow and Fluffy head and Scout and Taz and Fall and memories and sad and sucks.

Nice going.

Anonymous said...

Do they make SPANX for arms? Cuz if they do, I'm gonna need some!!! And for the life of me, I can't figure out how to post a "comment" without doing the "anonymous" thing. Although, maybe that's a good thing! Just figure out who I am!!!

Lisa said...

ARM SPANX? BRILLIANT! And since you're posted as "anonymous" then you won't mind me taking full credit for the idea, will you? Hmmm?