Thursday, February 25, 2010

AURORA

Hey, guess what I found? A cow that poops candy! Which combines three of my very favorites! CANDY, POOP (rabbit poop ice) and COWS (diamonds, remember?) Oh, and one other thing~CLASSY. Duh. It's like they read my blog or something.

Heeeeyyyy, maybe they DO, and if that's the case, what else can we get them to invent? How about something like a puke pill that if you eat too many treats, you hurl? I know it sounds bad, but you gotta know yourself, and in this area, I DO, and what I KNOW is that I don't learn on my own~I require "compelling." I can't be trusted to eat nutritiously, or wear sunscreen, or exercise, or to go to bed in a timely manner. None of those things occur to my natural man, and he is SOOOOOO in charge. So it's time for a puke pill. (By the way, did anyone else notice the 'genital warts' ad on my sidebar? Apparently I've mentioned warty genitalia somewhere, though I really can't recall where, and they hope to capitalize on 'our lifestyle.' Ew.)

Speaking of Ew, here's an episode that my beautiful niece's roommate experienced. And lucky for her, I don't know her name, (we'll call her Gertie) so she won't be humiliated and I won't be sued. It goes something like this:

Gertie was waiting for her bus, and started the upper lip sweat. She ignored it and climbed on anyway, thinking it would pass. Silly gert. She sits down amongst friends and suddenly goes into hyper-vomit, beginning in her hands and then sharing the blessing with any and all around her. A friend screams, "DOES ANYBODY HAVE A BUCKET?" and a dear boy hurriedly empties out his book bag as she continues to empty out her guts. She fills his bag and sits there dazed, covered in feminine, dainty hurl. The bus pulls over and she stumbles out, followed by kindly students. She steps onto the sidewalk, holds her hands out in front of her and loudly panics, "I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!" then proceeds to BLACK OUT, people, dropping onto her knees and passing out on the concrete! When she comes to, a kindly student asks if he can drive her back to her apartment and she shrieks, "NO! NO! I'm fine. I'll get back just fine. You go. Go, I'm fine!" Well, apparently, poor Gertie was also discharging from her OTHER end. That's right. A real life not candy, pooping cow. I KNOW!!! CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?!!! No, I did not make ANY of this up! AND NOW...SOMEONE BLOGS ABOUT IT! So sad.

Which takes me back in time a couple of years, to when hubbie and I vowed, once again, to "get in shape." (I laugh while I drool suckers and Dr. Pepper.) (slurp) So we're there in the gym and our personal trainer is REALLY, REALLY INSISTENT that I actually perform several reps of things. I guess two isn't several.

Whatever.

So he's pushing me and I keep feeling light headed, but I'll be darned if I'm gonna wuss out. Plus, he calls me "Princess" and that makes me feel pretty and I want to make him like me even more. So we finish the workout, and I sit down to wait for hubbie, in front of aaaaallllllll the treadmills. And I start an inner dialogue: "I wonder...I wonder if...could Ster maybe, I don't know, maybe back his car into the front doors, here? Are they wide enough that he could pull in without anybody noticing? It might be loud, but that's OK. And then I could, maybe I don't know, kind of crawl into the back seat and lay down and puke without anybody seeing me, cuz I'm willing to clean it up, if he could sneak me out of here...without anybody seeing me do it. Huh. Probably not. Well, then, let's seeeee....how about if...I wonder if I prayed hard enough, if maybe I could become invisible. Or could they just cover me in an invisible cloak or something to get out? Nope. Those aren't real.....what else? There's got to be a way..." And then, there is this beautiful music playing, and I am JUST SO RESTED, I've never BEEN so stinkin' relaxed in my whole LIFE...and somebody adores me and thinks I'm a Princess! Just like AURORA! And he's saying, "Hey, there, princess...how was your sleep? Yup, looks like she's coming around. CAN YOU GET HER A COLD WASHCLOTH TO PUT ON HER FOREHEAD? SHE'S SWEATING A LOT!"

And then it hits me. Aurora passed out. In front of the treadmills. And she's apparently sweating. And her hair is in a stringy ponytail. With no make-up. And one pant leg is pulled up to her upper thigh, as when she fell over, she did it without being self aware. Which means she ALSO wasn't holding in her gut at ANY POINT OF THIS FAINT. And this is just SUUUUUCH A FAAAARRRRR CRY FROM WHAT SHE IMAGINED WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL!!! dammitalltohell.



I never went back. And Gertie has no choice but to drop out of school. And as God as my witness, I will NEVER DO MORE THAN TWO REPS OF EXERCISE AGAIN! Because CLEARLY, that's what got me into this mess in the first place.

Well, that and genital warts. (let's see what the ad scrolls do with THAT! HA!)

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

Hi-stinkin'-larious!!! You are on FIRE as of late...you make me smile, I sure do love you Lisa Bingham! ~~ Heather ~~

Megan Dewey Clark said...

lol. You're great Lisa.... I don't remember you this spunky when I was in young womens. It makes my day.

Krista said...

When I was at the MTC I didn't feel so well after taking my anti-biotic on an empty stomach and as me and my comp were walking back to our room I had to RUN to the nearest garbage can. Lucky! That could have been embarrassing. I had to pull off the freeway once and spew, too. Week before last Jared had to pick me up from work because I had the headache from Hell and couldn't drive. I barfed all the way home. No puke pill - how about a "No" pill. "No, I just couldn't eat another bite." "No, I don't want to take on that assignment." "No, I can't babysit for you." You get the point.

Lisa said...

Megan, I'm still in YW, so ssshhhhhh...:)

Krista, I can see the whole thing in the MTC. Thank goodness for garbage cans. I like the No pill. Invent it, will you please? I'll even be your guinea pig to test it.

Heath~I love your GUUTTTSSSS!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

I had to come back here when I had time to comment and re-read...as there are sentences here I have just never heard before and I thought I was kind of in like the twilight zone.

Like feminine dainty girl hurl,and you know the rest.
It's always nice to take a refreshing break from my world to come visit part of yours.