Heeeeyyyy, maybe they DO, and if that's the case, what else can we get them to invent? How about something like a puke pill that if you eat too many treats, you hurl? I know it sounds bad, but you gotta know yourself, and in this area, I DO, and what I KNOW is that I don't learn on my own~I require "compelling." I can't be trusted to eat nutritiously, or wear sunscreen, or exercise, or to go to bed in a timely manner. None of those things occur to my natural man, and he is SOOOOOO in charge. So it's time for a puke pill. (By the way, did anyone else notice the 'genital warts' ad on my sidebar? Apparently I've mentioned warty genitalia somewhere, though I really can't recall where, and they hope to capitalize on 'our lifestyle.' Ew.)
Speaking of Ew, here's an episode that my beautiful niece's roommate experienced. And lucky for her, I don't know her name, (we'll call her Gertie) so she won't be humiliated and I won't be sued. It goes something like this:
Gertie was waiting for her bus, and started the upper lip sweat. She ignored it and climbed on anyway, thinking it would pass. Silly gert. She sits down amongst friends and suddenly goes into hyper-vomit, beginning in her hands and then sharing the blessing with any and all around her. A friend screams, "DOES ANYBODY HAVE A BUCKET?" and a dear boy hurriedly empties out his book bag as she continues to empty out her guts. She fills his bag and sits there dazed, covered in feminine, dainty hurl. The bus pulls over and she stumbles out, followed by kindly students. She steps onto the sidewalk, holds her hands out in front of her and loudly panics, "I CAN'T SEE! I CAN'T SEE!" then proceeds to BLACK OUT, people, dropping onto her knees and passing out on the concrete! When she comes to, a kindly student asks if he can drive her back to her apartment and she shrieks, "NO! NO! I'm fine. I'll get back just fine. You go. Go, I'm fine!" Well, apparently, poor Gertie was also discharging from her OTHER end. That's right. A real life not candy, pooping cow. I KNOW!!! CAN YOU EVEN BELIEVE IT?!!! No, I did not make ANY of this up! AND NOW...SOMEONE BLOGS ABOUT IT! So sad.
Which takes me back in time a couple of years, to when hubbie and I vowed, once again, to "get in shape." (I laugh while I drool suckers and Dr. Pepper.) (slurp) So we're there in the gym and our personal trainer is REALLY, REALLY INSISTENT that I actually perform several reps of things. I guess two isn't several.
So he's pushing me and I keep feeling light headed, but I'll be darned if I'm gonna wuss out. Plus, he calls me "Princess" and that makes me feel pretty and I want to make him like me even more. So we finish the workout, and I sit down to wait for hubbie, in front of aaaaallllllll the treadmills. And I start an inner dialogue: "I wonder...I wonder if...could Ster maybe, I don't know, maybe back his car into the front doors, here? Are they wide enough that he could pull in without anybody noticing? It might be loud, but that's OK. And then I could, maybe I don't know, kind of crawl into the back seat and lay down and puke without anybody seeing me, cuz I'm willing to clean it up, if he could sneak me out of here...without anybody seeing me do it. Huh. Probably not. Well, then, let's seeeee....how about if...I wonder if I prayed hard enough, if maybe I could become invisible. Or could they just cover me in an invisible cloak or something to get out? Nope. Those aren't real.....what else? There's got to be a way..." And then, there is this beautiful music playing, and I am JUST SO RESTED, I've never BEEN so stinkin' relaxed in my whole LIFE...and somebody adores me and thinks I'm a Princess! Just like AURORA! And he's saying, "Hey, there, princess...how was your sleep? Yup, looks like she's coming around. CAN YOU GET HER A COLD WASHCLOTH TO PUT ON HER FOREHEAD? SHE'S SWEATING A LOT!"
And then it hits me. Aurora passed out. In front of the treadmills. And she's apparently sweating. And her hair is in a stringy ponytail. With no make-up. And one pant leg is pulled up to her upper thigh, as when she fell over, she did it without being self aware. Which means she ALSO wasn't holding in her gut at ANY POINT OF THIS FAINT. And this is just SUUUUUCH A FAAAARRRRR CRY FROM WHAT SHE IMAGINED WHEN SHE WAS A LITTLE GIRL!!! dammitalltohell.
I never went back. And Gertie has no choice but to drop out of school. And as God as my witness, I will NEVER DO MORE THAN TWO REPS OF EXERCISE AGAIN! Because CLEARLY, that's what got me into this mess in the first place.
Well, that and genital warts. (let's see what the ad scrolls do with THAT! HA!)