Monday, February 15, 2010

THRILL OF THE DRILL

So after my last busted and rotting tooth episode, husband felt like he was missing out on all the fun. "Where's MY busted and rotting tooth? Huh? What about ME? You ALWAYS have busted and rotting teeth and I never, ever, EVER get to. No fair! Plus, YOU always get to have your teeth drilled down to the nub and root, and I NEVER do. Goll. Hmmphhh." Arms folded across chest, head down and mumbling, with tentacle eyebrows sprouting out and over his glasses (Not sure why I mentioned that, as it really has nothing to do with this particular story. I just wanted it to be part of your visual, forever and ever, because I get to revel in it every day, forever and ever. And it's really too beautiful not to share. Therefore, my gift to you. No, thank YOU for sharing it with me. Enjoy.) as he kicks a rock down the street.

He had no idea his life was about to change. That soon...very soon...he, too, would feel the thrill of the drill.

So a couple of weeks ago, he goes to the dentist after having some old fillings break out and LO AND BEHOLD, THE MAN DOTH HAVE BUSTED AND ROTTING TEETH! Enter not one, but TWO, TWO, TWO CROWNS AT ONCE! And for this story, we're totally glossing over the cost associated. Some things are just too painful to relive.

Anyway, he has a double header. And he does it WITHOUT PAIN KILLER!!! HOLY HELL, PEOPLE! I KNOW!!! Remember MAN-SICK? ME TOO!!! And you know what? I are not dumb...I are smart. And Something...SOMETHING is amiss here. But that's also another story. This story is about what happened later that night.

He's really weirded out by the fact that he's not allowed to chew on one side, because of the two temp crowns. He mentions it to me, oh, I'd say 436 times in about an hour. Which is just soooooo...endearing. It's hard to emphasize enough JUST how endearing it is. Anyway, we go out to dinner with a couple of friends and we're chatting in the car when we drop them off. He offers us gum and we continue chatting.

You know that dream (nightmare) where your teeth crumble and fall out of your mouth, into your hands? Well, just like a Disney fairytale, some dreams really DO come true.

Husband is suddenly silent. At least on the outside.

On the inside, it went something like this..."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH OHMYGOSH MYTEETHJUSTCAMEOFF!!! MYCROWNS,MYCROWNS,MYTEMPORARYCROWNSJUSTPULLEDOFF! ICAN'TBELIEVEIFORGOTNOTTOCHEWGUMONTHATSIDE! AAAGGGHHH! WHATDOIDO? WHATDOIDO? WHATDOIDONOW?!! SCREAM,SCREAM,FREAKOUT,SCREAM!" Something kind of like that.

Which got me to thinking~what exactly is the expiration date for body parts? I mean, how long are these enamel covered bones in our mouth good for? And how about other bits and pieces? Like a good friend just had a hysterectomy and I'm thinking, "Heeeeyyyyy. Wait a minute here. Why is it that we were made with stuff that has to be surgically removed? Shouldn't there be some sort of "dissolve after use" put into play? You know, the way baby teeth roots just disintegrate before adult horse teeth grow in? Shouldn't our uterus be that proficient?

And yes, I myself am experiencing some "unfortunate" effects of a disintegrating human body and you'd be proud of the grace and dignity I display. "WHAT DO YOU MEAN ANOTHER FREAKIN' PERIOD?!! I THINK IT'S CONSIDERED AN EXPLANATION POINT WHEN IT'S TWICE IN ONE MONTH! WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE? AND WHAT'S THIS CRAP ABOUT PERIMENOPAUSAL? IS THAT EVEN A WORD?!" See? Grace, dignity, decorum. All synonyms for Lisa. Bless my elegant heart.

In conclusion, I'm angry. That's right, angry. That teeth rot out. That periods go rogue. That body's betray and can't be counted on for the long haul.

But hand me another fistful of cinnamon bears and a box of tampons and I'll handle it all with the grace and dignity you've become accustomed to witnessing in me.

%$#*@&*# perimenopause.



11 comments:

kara elmore said...

PERIMENOPAUSAL my A**!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's stress. It will leave. It will flutter by in the wind - like the long over due love for brown.

Don't you worry my sister ... I will help you. And like I said LAST NIGHT - it's better to be 10 days early - than 10 days late! Ohh wait - did mom say that?? I'm taking credit. She doesn't even know how to click on this comment part.

Erika Wilder said...

I have been laughing my butt off reading this! You are hilarious! Poor Sterling! I could only imagine how funny that was with the gum! I'll be sure to ask him about that story when he comes to visit. Thanks for a very badly needed laugh!

Sunshine said...

You make me laugh.... at least he got what was coming to him! he he...

Sunshine said...

oh, and I'm sure he wasn't saying oh my gosh... more like oh my hell..(or maybe something worse) After all he is a Bingham and Bingham's talk about the getting to cock off the table before it chit's in the taters! :D ..

Lisa said...

I like the Sunshine moniker! Fun to have you reading, Sara! How's the babe and the mom? Are you sleep deprived? Hahahaha. That's just funny that I even asked the question like I didn't know the answer. I'm rude like that. And you're right. He didn't say "gosh." It was more like HOLY SHI*. And Sunnova... Stuff like that.

Erika, check out his eyebrows when you see him, too. :)

Boo, I'm going to pretend you're right. And earlier is better than later. YOU STAND AS A WITNESS!

Sunshine said...

Ya, I post on another very public thread, so I try not to use my real name. It's fun. Visit my blog and it will tell you of the joys I have the past couple of days. Fun times! Fun times!

Lisa said...

I did and holy junk, I'm sorry you're dealing with "failure to thrive." It'll all be well, but that sucketh that you've had to worry so much. Glad he's going to be fine.

Krista said...

Lisa - you did not disappoint. I came here needing a laugh and you delivered. Now I'm going to read the other 99 posts. You know, teeth and car parts - they are just not meant to last. Think of how many people we keep employed for things that constantly need work. I mean, we can fly a man to space but we can't invent some sort of "white teflon" substance to coat our teeth to make them last us 80 years. Whiskey Tango!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

lol to all of you...just now I went flying sideways along the ground across the driveway to go warm up the car (no our garage is not for parking, never has been... never will be?) The driveway...obviously it was full of black ice! Didnt see it coming. Glad I wasnt carrying glass...usually thats the case.
So today I will be checking for broken body parts, and glad no teeth hitting was involved. Maybe just a giant one sided body bruise tomorrow?
Sorry your at THAT stage in life Lisa...I took care of that at 38 years old...no regrets!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

No regrets and no more children born to us!

If any of you are laughing about the slip and fall...will you all chip in for the choirpractor (can never spell that one right)and the car is warm so I must go...can you look that up in the dictionary for me someone?

Lisa said...

It's CHIROPRACTOR, Brenda. My brother in law is one. And yes, I'm laughing, but if it costs me, then I wasn't. :):):) Try and prove it.