Thursday, February 11, 2010


So, tell me friends, what exactly are the spells I need to cast, the buttons I need to push and the prayers I need to pray to make me like my daughter? What am I missing here? Is there a manual? Is there a potion? Is there a light at the end of this hellish tunnel filled with bats, spiders and flying monkeys?

The reason I ask is because I just got back from helping with reading groups in her class. And I "suggested" she blow her nose when she couldn't pronounce her consonants. I know. I know. I should be shot. Also, yes, my family has a seemingly inordinate snot supply.

Anyway, I made the suggestion and then I looked at her with motherly love, just kind of waiting for her to comply, (eternal optimist) but realized too late that she'd lit and lobbed flaming darts into my eyeballs and hair and channeled Rosemary's Baby, 360 head turn, pea-soup puking and accusing me in a DEEP demonic hiss of embarrassing her in front of all her friends. YES, THAT'S RIGHT. I WAS THE ONE DOING THE EMBARRASSING, NOT THE SCREAMING, STUPID NINE YEAR OLD GIRL WHO WOULDN'T SHUT UP FOR A GOOD, SOLID THREE MINUTES AND KEPT BLAMING AND SHOOTING THE BOOGER MESSENGER.

Soooo, in any case, I was just wondering...purely hypothetical...but is it possible that a human sacrifice might just be mandatory to appease the gods in charge of mother/daughter relationships? And........can the daughter be the sacrifice? And if so.......(fingers crossed) do you need to PROVE that it's truly a sacrifice before you can lay her on the altar? Bound. With duct tape. And only her nose exposed?

I'm just asking for a friend.

She wanted me to find out.

You don't know her.


Neen said...

The only suggestion I have for you is to ask your mother. It seems to me she has been through this with one of her dear darling little girls as well..... hummmmm....Who could that possibly be? Maybe you had another sister that you never knew because she too was sacrificed... or eaten by her mother! Just a suggestion.

Lisa said...

Come to think of it, I've always felt like I had a twin. An evil twin. And there was that time that my mom burped up a lock of hair. Hmmm. Gotta wonder. Weird.

Neen said...

Lisa you slay me!!!

Brenda @Just a Bed of Roses said...

RUN.................Forest RUN....... meaning either one of you from each other! (my expert advice). Meet up again, lets see, when she is a mother of 4 children! You'll have all the love you need and long for...promise.

In reality....LOWER the EXPECTATIONS Lisa...LOWER THEM waaaaaay down.

By the looked nice in your little red shoes today...and I am so embarassed, I started talking to you about a business idea when you was telling me something wonderful. Now I owe you an apology and want to hear more "good news" I will duct tape my mouth.

Krista said...

Why is it that snot doesn't embarrass our little darlings but moms do? I don't get it. I guess there have been times I'd rather have a lime green bubble hanging out of my nose rather than take my youngest shopping. She is the same age as yours.

Lisa said...

Brenda, I thought I HAD lowered my expectations. Apparently my standards are still sky high. I'll work on dumbing it down. No duct taping allowed. You're my greatest fan and I need to hear it all!

Krista, glad it's universal. I'm blaming it on the age. It certainly couldn't be the parenting.